Some things should be classified

Some things that happen at our home should be classified information but they are not!  Sometimes in the face of struggles, one just has to laugh.  And that's exactly what I did tonight.  I could have very easily cried.  But I didn't...just laughed!

Zine's cath bag has developed a leak.   And I don't have an extra.  So today I like triple bagged it.  Unfortunately as the day has gone on, the leak has gotten worse.  I can't even find the hole where it is leaking.  This is most definitely faulty equipment.  Tonight when Zine went to get ready for bed, he picked his triple bagged cath bag up and set it in his lap to come to the bathroom.  Well, the triple bagged cath bag...it leaked all over him.  So now his jeans are wet.  And I have the privilege of going through the triple bagged cath bag to get the cath bag out.  Zine is looking around feeling a bit stressed and asks what are we even going to do.  I said never worry I have a plan.  So I washed the outside of his cath bag in the sink.   I disposed of the triple bags in a trash bag, tied up, put in the larger trash bag, tied up and taken outside to the large trashcan.  Then I washed my hands with soap.  I put his cath bag in a bucket!  But when I put the bucket on the floor, I noticed under the sink where I had just washed my hands is the soapy water I just washed my hands with.  Really??   Why in the world would it be on the floor underneath the sink?  Oh and my toilet handle is frustrating me too!  Guess my plumbing skills may not be that great!  But you know what, as I was on my hands and knees cleaning urine and soapy water  out of the floor, I just laughed.   It's a zoo here sometimes!

So for tonight...

Zine has gotten a shower at 11:30 at night!  That wasn't in the plan...but oh well!  On the bright side we won't have to do that in the morning...hopefully!   And...

The cath bag is placed nicely in a bucket.  These buckets are typically known as our throw up buckets.  But tonight it is changing its role to the new and improved cath bag container.

And not only that, it has now been securely sealed inside a trash bag.  Placed on top of a towel and waterproof pad just in case there could be further incidents.

And for tomorrow...

I think an early morning run to get new cath bag is in order.  And then...I have to go to Birmingham for a follow up with my jaw surgeon.  But at least before I go, the cath bag crisis will be solved...hopefully!

And for the record....I did not make this story up!  Zine says it sounds like "you made that up no one's life could be like that."  My response:  "Guess what baby?  We're special!!  Our lives get to be like that!  And tonight....we are just going to laugh."

Classified Information

We have been in the middle of a Cold War at my house so we have been silent.  Silent in a lot of ways.  We don't often reveal classified information!  But after a long week, I have been given clearance to share this classified information.

This is what happens when we leave our trash out and our dogs inside.  You can be certain that they are going to make a mess.  And just like this mess...our marriage has been in the middle of a BIG mess!  Zine and I have discussed, argued, fought for almost an entire week.  Just so you know we aren't perfect...in front of Krisann, we screamed, we yelled, we cursed, a cup was thrown in the floor, I threw my back pack on the bed and started packing clothes and Zine wheeled out the front door and slammed the door with all his might.  I have never been so hurt in my entire life and Zine has never been so angry in his entire life I don't think.

But you know what...we forgot something major.  The battle wasn't between him and me, it was a battle against Satan.  Satan loves to divide and conquer and make us think we hate each other.  Thankful for that wise reminder from a sweet friend in the middle of a fire!  And that's exactly what Satan did...he divided and conquered us in a lot of ways!  And not only that our youngest child is probably even more traumatized for life!

There are daily emotional battles within Zine Smith's heart!  And sometimes, I get to be the recipient of his anger and frustration and bitterness.  That happened this week!  So what I did, super duper self condemnation.  But because of my hurt and self condemnation, I set some boundaries around my heart in a not so loving way!  And guess what, no one likes boundaries even adults!  But boundaries are good!  We just need to set boundaries when we are not steaming angry!  Lesson learned!

For Zine, his perspective was very skewed through the anger, bitterness, and denial that exists in his heart.  He saw things that weren't true.  He had looked through the lenses of denial, anger, and bitterness so long that it looked like truth.  The way he viewed me had been altered drastically.    And because of false accusations for a couple of days, Zine has had to do everything all by himself!    It was such tough love on my part.  I wanted to leave because I didn't want to watch my husband struggle.  But it was important for Zine to discover some things on his own.  I am not the bad guy and he had to discover that for himself.

So now that we have shared some very classified information with you, we hope that someone is encouraged by our classified information!  Remember, when an argument ensues, the battle is not against each other...it is Satan doing his work of dividing and conquering!  Guard your words with care!  Apologize when needed, even to your children!  Make sure your glasses are clean and you can see clearly when you assess your current situation.

We also hope that we have stirred your heart to pray for us.  Pray for Krisann.  She had her first appointment with a psychiatrist after many, many battles, tears, and counseling sessions.  So now my baby is taking anti anxiety medicine!  Pray that we can manage her anxiety and that she will settle down.  Pray for Zine as he is learning many not fun lessons!  Pray for our marriage to be strengthened.  Pray for our family to be resilient. Pray that we can learn to make the best of our reality even if it's not the reality we want.  Pray that my heart would be full of love and forgiveness.  Pray that we would have complete trust in our Good Father.  And pray that we would believe without a doubt that He is good!  

Escaped

As I typed part of this, I was sitting on a screened in porch with the perfect night temperature, listening to music in the background and fountains splashing.  It was indeed a perfect night to sit outside.

We have known for awhile that we were making a trip.  But we didn't talk much about it.  We knew that if we shared, we would get unsolicited advice.  Some would say that's the dumbest thing you could do!  Others would have encouraged us to go.  And to be honest, we had very mixed emotions about going.  So the advice would have made us question and second guess ourselves and that was stress we chose to avoid.   We are super sad that our sweet friends were not able to take their vacation but we are super grateful they offered their condo to us!  

The trip to Florida was killer for Zine.  We knew it would be difficult but neither of us realized how difficult it would be.  You never know how much you use your core muscles until they don't hold you vertical when you go around a curve or hit the brakes.  And that's exactly what happened.  Neither of us could have predicted how incredibly hard it would be.  It will indeed be a LONG time before we go anywhere again.  In many ways, the time away was very bittersweet recognizing that going was becoming way too difficult.

When you have been under the stress we have been under, it affects the dynamics of relationships.  So it has been good to be away together.  We were very intentional about entering each other's worlds and enjoying one another.  For just a few days, there were no home health nurses, there were no doctors, there was an escape from the reality and details of normal life.  We did a lot of resting.  And each child we planned something special for while we were away.

--Chloe was the first child to get her special day.  We painted together red, white, and blue paintings.  We tie dyed shirts together.  And I introduced her to the spa!  That last adventure definitely took her out of her comfort zone.  The last words we would use to describe Chloe would be a girly girl.

--There was something we desperately wanted to do.  We wanted to take Krisann to Disney to see the Princesses.  Zine was simply not able to actually go but I took Krisann one day to Disney and we enjoyed it together.  It was only 97 degrees in a park with thousands of people.  But she finally got to meet some princesses which will be priceless memories.  Sad her daddy didn't get to go but at least he was ready to listen when she got back to condo!  So glad that he at least got to see the joy in her eyes!

--We wanted to do something special with Conner as well.  His time with us is short!  He's about to fly from the nest!  But God gave me the perfect idea.  You see Conner has always been a Stitch fan.  So what better fun than to have breakfast with Stitch.  And to get your very own Stitch ukulele and to watch Stitch take your ukulele and lead a parade of big and little kids around the room.  He was so surprised.  He had no idea what was going to happen!  But I think it was pretty special to him.  Zine did go to breakfast with us but it wiped him out! 

It was good for Zine and I to be away from home.  Our emotional states have been a bit on the emotional side.  We have had some big arguments, lots of questions about the future, etc.  Our relationship struggles at times and it's been good to get away and remember we really do still like each other.

It has brought heartache as well.  

--When you realize that you don't have the core muscle strength to keep yourself upright in the car seat or upright in your wheelchair with bumps and turns, that is heartache.

--When your hands become significantly affected by the disease, it brings heartache.

--When you can't go to Disney or even the pool, it brings heartache.

--When something as simple as going out to eat wears one out, it brings heartache.

But we have a choice to make...we can focus on the heartache or we can focus on the happies.  So we will for today focus on the sweet memories we have made.  Fourth of July paintings, mom learning to play Smash Up and ruining a win for dad, catapult building and catapult wars, smoke alarm going off because every oven is different of course, Chloe coming up with a pun for Krisann being a dressmaker in a play with Belle "that's fitting for her",  Ohana breakfast, princesses, brownies at midnight, pizza at almost 1 am, photo scavenger hunt with two wheelchairs, a lizard making Krisann scream, a bat scaring Chloe, and the list could go on.  There may never be another family trip but there will be memories from this one.  And the impact it had on our family dynamics, we are especially grateful.  

After a scavenger hunt!

Zine's reading spot!

Mom learns to play Smash Up!

Beautiful children!

Just a little fun at the pool.

Crazy kids!

One of our last projects that we did together!