Crazy Lives Unplanned Surgery

The past week of our lives have been so totally crazy.  There are things going on that I simply just can't write about.  And I haven't done a very good job speaking about it either.  Definitely have shared ample amount of tears this week.  Life has been heartbreaking! The following is something I wrote earlier in the week.  I can never share things live very often.  My posts often sit in my blog for a few days before I publish them!  Sometimes I have to get my nerve up to post them!  Othertimes I have to pray and make sure I still think it is the right thing to write.  But from the following I think you can see some of what has been going on in my life and heart.

Tonight I lay awake with a very heavy heart.  I have sinus drainage going down the back of my throat!  Zines leg is shaking every 5 to 10 seconds.  We are still altering Chloe's meds with no real plan.   But those things are minor compared to what is going on inside.

Earthquakes in Nepal.  Riots in Baltimore.  And another tidal wave right in the life of my family.

I cannot even bring myself to explain the heartache right now.  It is so overwhelming at times, I'm certain that I quit breathing.  It's terrible when you must tell yourself to breathe!  Uncertain thoughts...I don't even know how to align the gazillion thoughts in my head.  Alone...there are no words to describe the depths of this feeling.   Fear...it is has consumed me at times.  Which means, I feel cold all the time!  My body even shakes at times.  Like having chills cold but I know all too well it is not because I am cold! 

I know all the good Christian answers.  Gods plan is to prosper not to harm.  My job is to trust Him.  God will supply all my needs.  Do not fear do not be afraid for God is with me.  I can do all things through Christ.  Yep, pretty sure there's probably not a Christian answer I don't have in my head somewhere.  

But let me just be real...I am calling to mind these promises and still sick with emotion!  And that's where I am tonight.  Claiming in my head the promises I know!  Trying to let them infiltrate my heart.  Covered up like it is 20 degrees outside.  Except for my one arm that is typing.  Reminding myself to breathe. 

Tonight I do not feel as desperate as I did the night I wrote that!  Tonight my thoughts are turned toward my sweet girl!  Chloe had a growth on her thumb that has been there for years.  But for some unknown reason in the past 6 to 8 weeks it has chosen to start growing.  It is causing much pain.  She saw a hand dr yesterday and will have surgery to remove it tomorrow.  And tonight, despite the extra medicine she's got going on, she's scared!  Killing my mama heart right now.  Medical stuff typically doesn't bother her.  She doesn't mind needles, unlike her mama!  I'm quite deathly afraid of them!  She doesn't mind going to drs, unlike her mama!  I'm quite terrified of them!  But she's not unlike her mama when it comes to feeling anxious and apprehensive over new situations.  And tonight the apprehension has emerged!  It might be a long day tomorrow until our arrival time of 1:30.

God's got this!  I'm not worried about the procedure.  I just don't like my babies to hurt and I definitely don't like my babies to be afraid!

Tonight I'm praying for a calm spirit for Chloe and skilled hands of a doctor and for this mom to remain calm and unemotional!  I'm praying for great wisdom into the tidal wave that came into our lives a week ago.  I'm praying for God to restore relationships and heal hearts. I'm praying for miracles in my family's lives, to miracles in this nation, to miracles in the world!   Here's a song that has been in my head lately!!  What Faith Can Do