At our last visit with the oncologist, it was determined that the chemo is not doing the job we had hoped for. Tomorrow, we meet with the neurologist, and we are expecting to determine the next step. And I wonder why my head hurts???!!
In November, we were not prepared for life to come undone! Tomorrow, we are prepared that our current life will come undone yet again!! In November, we were given 3 options! Plan A seems to be a no go. Plan B or Plan C. Or neither. Tough tough decisions to make.
Terribly afraid. Future unknown. Terribly afraid. Sad hearts. Terribly afraid. Wishful thoughts of a different life. Did I say terribly afraid?? So then I ask myself what is there to be afraid of...
I'm afraid of...
another medicine that doesn't work
children saying goodbye to a dad way too early
maintaining lifestyle as we have known it
a healing that never comes
how much effort it takes to face some days and some appointments
the emotional battle that rages in our home on numerous fronts
Just to name a few.
In those moments, I am reminded of this Bible verse that I just love in the Message version. Hebrews 13:6..."Since God assured us, 'I'll never let you down, never walk off and leave you,' we can boldly quote, God is there, ready to help; I'm fearless no matter what. Who or what can get to me?" I quote this version often!! I spent an hour or longer making this picture to help me remember that my faith needs to be bigger than my fear.
When those moments come, I simply have to take some time to regroup my thoughts. I have to remind myself that if I look back over the past few years, I can see God at work. If you told me five years ago we would have been through everything we have been through in the past eight months I would have told you there was NO way we could survive that. But God's grace is sufficient for those moments!! So why should my faith waver?? I think the answer is I'm human! Oh how I would LOVE to go through these circumstances and never feel the need to....
But, I'd surely be leading you astray to make you think I always live in that place of great faith. Today I have been consumed with that thought...I need more faith! My fear has been bigger than my faith numerous times! Think if I put a hash tag in a blog post it would read #faithversusfear #constantstruggle.
Reminding myself that God already knows the next step. With a 3:45 appointment I fear tomorrow will be a LONG day of a #constantstruggle. Worse than that, I fear tonight will be a LONG night of no sleep! #faithversusfear...needing faith to win!
{{{Karen}}} Understandable to have more fear than faith at such a trying time. Heck you've had one trying time after another. Know that in your weakness, God is your strength and your friends are lifting you and your family in prayer
ReplyDeleteThank you! A year ago, I would have had self condemnation over the fact there was a faith versus fear battle even going on. But God has freed me from that lie that entangled me so! I'm perfectly content to know that God is at work in this faith vs fear issue. However, I like the internal feeling when faith is winning much better than the internal feeling that exists when fear is winning!! :o) Thanks for your prayers!! Definitely needed!
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