At times this situation has consumed us. It has caused us to do much research. It has caused us to do some things that are way out of our comfort zone. It has caused uncountable amount of tears to flow from our eyes. It has been the recipient of many, many not nice words from our mouths! (Yep, we're not perfect!) It has produced much anxiety for everyone in our family. On the 23rd, 90 days will have passed. There will be one of two outcomes at that point. And there is no way for us to predict what that outcome will be. So literally, we are having to trust Jesus for each and every moment!
I would love to say that we are not worried at all about what this week brings. But as we get closer and closer, it becomes more and more consuming! And when things consume, it is hard for me to function. And Zine becomes more withdrawn as he becomes consumed. Please join us in praying that God would provide us much grace this week! Anxiety can definitely soar in stressful times! Pray that God would work His plan in our lives this week! Pray that we would be able to trust in Him that He is working all things together for our good!
Chloe has been struggling immensely! We decreased some of her medicine yesterday that we suspect is causing many many emotional issues. However, with that decrease brought back some pain. So as we come off this medicine, her pain will continue to increase. She is SOOOOO tired of trying medicine! I think she's just resigned herself that she would rather live with pain than to continue trying different medicines all in an effort to help!
As a mom, it is heart wrenching to watch your child sit with their face buried between their knees to cry and say I am so done. I can't do this anymore. I don't want any more medicine. I am so tired of feeling this way. As a mom, I've been exhausted knowing how to respond to her. When she has a completely different personality, it's like having a stranger reside in my home. It's terrible for all of us but especially for her and me! I am so thankful for Conner this past week as he has been able to help her work through several many anxiety attacks! He's so good when she's struggling and she really responds to him too! Please pray with us that by decreasing her medicine that her emotional status will get better quickly! Pray also for her pain levels. And pray for our doctors! She sees her local neurologist tomorrow!
I have also stepped way out of my comfort zone and agreed to some major counseling sessions. I had my first one and I was terribly nervous. My entire body was shaking like I was having a chill! I don't know why I find it so hard to share my feelings with other people. I can tell you facts all day long! But when you go a step further and ask how I feel or what's going on inside of me, I'm done! I'd much rather tell you I'm fine. Or my best answer ever is life is difficult but God's grace is sufficient. That's quite the cop out answer...but it SURE sounds good and it is a true statement just doesn't reveal what's going on inside of me! That first session was one of the hardest things I've done in a LONG time. Well, next week I have another one of those get togethers! I am totally convinced it is the right thing to do and God is going to grow me tremendously through his process. But...it is quite nerve wrecking for me! I know it will get easier and easier and God is going to grow and stretch me. But between now and the improved me evolves...it's VERY hard.
That's not all...chemo is returning in two weeks! Sometimes I want to ask, can we just quit? Do we have to do this? I know the answer. We have to do this. It is the path that God has laid out before us. But I think I may have a glimpse of what Jesus felt like when He asked "if it be possible let this cup pass from me". So I know that God's grace is sufficient and I know His strength is made perfect in my weakness! But sometimes my human side shows and I say...Can we quit? Nope...can't quit. But we can ask that God would provide us His grace and His strength over the next few weeks! God already knows what 90 days brings, He already knows if medicine change is going to help Chloe's emotions, He already knows everything about my counseling session and God already knows what side effects chemo will bring! Our job is to rely on His grace and His strength as we navigate life these next few weeks!
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