In a funk!

I have been so grumpy, teary eyed, needy, overwhelmed since Thursday.  A funk does not even begin to describe it!!  But I have three friends that have simply hit my target in responding to my funk!  One I called literally frantic!  She told me later she sure was glad she had caller ID or she would not have had clue who she was talking to!  And I talk to this lady on a regular basis!  But I don't think I've ever called her that frantic feeling before!!  I'm still sad she moved away and doesn't live three miles from me anymore!!  But I'm super glad for telephones and text messages.   She didn't have any advice for me! She simply listened!  She cared!  She said I'm sorry!  Another friend got to hug me while I weeped.  I didn't hear quit crying.  I didn't hear words that tried to fix my situation.  Only silence and an affirmation that I would get through this next medical drama on the horizon.  And my third friend, well she was surprised for a moment at the chaos that was spinning up again.  And then she prayed the most powerful prayer ever!!  Isn't it amazing how God used three different people with three different responses to care for my tender heart?!  They are not the only three God has used!  God has used many of my friends for different purposes.  These were just the three I wrote about!!  So no one get your feelings hurt that I didn't talk about you!!

And Zine Smith has definitely been working hard to stay out of fix it mode.  That guy just wants to wrinkle his nose and make my jaw work with no pain and my ear not hurt.  After all...that is his role often in my life...the problem solver and fixer!  He wants to encourage me that when they stick a needle in my jaw and inject dye on Monday that it's not going to be bad.  He talked to someone else who had an MRI but they didn't have to have that done!  So he tries to give me hope that maybe it won't be as bad as I am expecting.  But then he looks at me and says, I want to respond appropriately!  And I'm so sorry you have to do this!

Definitely in a funk over this surgery thing!!!  It was not on my to do list to say the least!

Another way I am in a funk...

To blog or not to blog...I often ask myself that question over and over again!  I have been blessed by many people when I have blogged.  I have got to see how God has used my blog and my realness over and over again.  That's been really cool!

The downside to blogging is that now no one ever needs to call or check in to see what's going on in our lives. They read it on the blog.  So in a lot of ways, blogging has reduced our one on one connections that we might have had without the blog.  The good side of that though is I don't have to make five phone calls and say the exact same thing because I know those closest to me will read my blogs!

The most difficult part of blogging our personal lives to an extent is that you all know us better than we know you!  And so sometimes that feels very intimidating.

It's so weird how God works.  Yesterday, I was done with blogging.  I was frustrated!  And I wasn't going to write anymore.  And then today...I get message from a sweet friend from college years ago that came across our blog!  And God said see, I want you to keep blogging.  I think because of my blog, God has opened doors for me to talk to other people that I wouldn't have had otherwise.  A lady in my church and I have become very good messenger buddies.  We rarely are together in person but because we have shared some medical journeys at the same time God opened doors for us to communicate!  So God says keep blogging!  You're being obedient!  You're reaching people!  That's what you wanted!!  You want people to see your struggles but you want people to see your faith!  And I hope that we have showed both of those in our blogs!  We are human!  We are far from perfect!  We do not walk this road without mess ups!  But there is grace in those mess ups!  Some days our faith is strong.  Sometimes we simply come up for a big gulp of air before going back under.  It's just where we are!  And I have come to understand...it's okay to be in both of those places!  It's okay to have strong faith and it's okay to struggle!

But let me just say...sometimes blogging is difficult!!  Sometimes I edit posts a gazillion times.  Sometimes we converse over whether we really want to write on that topic or not.  Many times I will let a blog post sit for days to weeks at a time before publishing it.  Just because I have to sit on it for awhile before feeling freedom to post it.  Sometimes I write a blog post and then two days later, I don't feel that way at all!  I have one right now sitting waiting to be published.  It was about God as a good Father.  We all know that's one of my weak points.  And I was making some headway in that area, but then slam I go back sliding.  So...I will just have to hold onto that one for awhile longer and let God work in my heart some more so I can publish it!  But...I will publish it one day and it will bless someone!  And that will mean I've wrestled and learned something and someone else has benefitted from my wrestling!  If only I were a quick learner!!

Another way I'm in a funk...

Well I think it might be PMS!  Now that you've all laughed and can't believe that I said that!  It's a fact of life!  And despite my night sweats and crazy hormones, those female cycles still come on occasion!  So...I'm thinking maybe one is on the horizon!!  It really is a fact of life for females!  And males have to live with females.  So I'm not sure why it is socially unacceptable to mention in mixed company or in this case mixed readers!!  :-)

Another way I'm in a funk...

My son is growing up.  Tonight he went with his sweet little girlfriend to a dance.  Don't get me wrong, we love his girlfriend.  But this mama...she's just not ready to let him grow up!  I'm not old enough to have a child this old!  And he's surely not old enough to have a girlfriend and go to a dance!  Wow!   However, we did decide...he cleans up nicely!!  Except for those tennis shoes with a tie!!  But I'm told that's hip!

I think I will try to sleep some funk off now!!