A desire, A concern, Wise Counsel, Guilt, and some Pixie Dust

So...the wife has been quite stressed.  The family is not used to mama and wife being stressed.   I am the laid back one over here.   On more than one occasion I have looked at my family with tears in my eyes and reminded them that I am NOT mad at that them.  That simply I am stressed!!  In the big scheme of our lives, this surgery on Thursday is minor!  But...when the cup is overflowing and plate is already full...it becomes huge!  Never mind the fact that I won't be eating for three months which in itself is a big deal!!  If you only knew how much I LOVED chocolate chip cookies.  The thought of going without one for three months is almost more than I can even consider!!  :-)

But as I began to plan out the details of making our schedules all work for surgery...I became very stressed.  All of a sudden what should be easy was no longer easy.  Thanks to MS!  As Zine and I began to talk, he wanted to go with me for surgery!  And to be real honest, I want him to go with me. He may have MS and it might wreak havoc in his body, but he is still my spouse!  So that should be simple, we go to Bham, I have surgery and he brings me home!  No biggie for most people.   I was so grateful for his desire to want to go!  Made me feel loved when I know that him going will not be an easy task for him!

But then enters a concern!  How can Zine do this alone?  He can't!  He needs help and I'm not going to be able to help him.  Who's going to keep up with my stuff?  Who's going to help him wheel around if he has to go along ways?  How will we park?  And a gazillion other questions started flying in my head!

So now...what's a wife to do?  Yes honey, I want you there.  No honey you can't go!  Yes honey I am so thankful that you still want to love me well.  No honey you can't go because it stresses me.  Really?  And as I thought, my insides got all stirred up!!  And I mean all stirred up!!!

I finally sat down with our pastor for a few minutes and spilled my deepest feelings...which is a rarity for me to share those with anyone!  He gave very wise counsel to me!  He definitely encouraged me and removed some of my stress.  He said some things I wasn't sure I liked but they were true!  And I know that!  But I still don't like them!!

And now...I am struggling immensely with guilt!  Feeling guilty about letting someone love me!  Letting someone go with us to Birmingham, spend the night away from their family, all to be with me and Zine!  Arghhh!  I have even tried to talk this family out of going!  I have given them plenty of text messages tonight offering them to back out!!  But for some crazy reason I get these text messages back that say...We WANT to go!!!!!!!!!!  Really did they have to put like 10 exclamation points at the end??

So...I guess there's no backing out, much to my dismay.  I guess I've got to swallow the pride, let them go, and let them love me!  But...I would much rather them be loving someone else!!!    And I'm just not an easy person to love right now!  And...it's not comfortable for me to let others in my life and love me!  It's so much easier when I keep you at arms distance and not let you behind my walls.  I like it that way better!  And if I had my wishes, there would definitely be no need to love me in this way!  I would much prefer you come love Zine in the hospital...not me!!  :-)  Zine would probably argue that statement!  But he's banned from my blog for awhile so I can say it if I want!

I  like to put a picture in my blog posts so that when they post on social media they have a picture and not this little tool looking thing!!  That just bugs me!!  But tonight I couldn't decide what picture would be good!  The only one I can think of is me pulling my hair all out!  Or a picture of a suitcase waiting to be packed!  But then God reminded me of a saying Krisann used to say all the time...so I decided I might need to remember it.  And it was her favorite saying for a long time...God uses Krisann all the time in our lives.    But I could hear her say tonight, mom all you need is faith, trust and pixie dust.  And she would put her little hand about my head and sprinkle me with pretend pixie dust.  But how true is that...I just need a bit of faith and trust.  And pixie dust never hurts!!