Secret Santa delivers gifts early sometimes. At least he did last year and again this year. Really, I haven't even been able to talk or write about this topic very much. When I think of this Santa, I really struggle! I've heard everything my friend has told me about Secret Santa and receiving love and I try to apply it but then I find myself right back at those unworthy and uncomfortable struggles. Still working on processing that one! But it was a VERY special evening as we opened and remembered our Santa. And if Santa can hear and see this...it might give a glimpse into what we felt!
Homemade cinnamon rolls, pumpkin and banana bread, egg casserole, biscuits and gravy ushered in our Christmas morning! Yum yum! And then onto a new excursion for us on Christmas day. We felt led to purchase gift cards and just deliver to some people who were working! It was quite a fun experience other than the horrid rain and flooding!! When we gave the gift cards, the employees would just look at us with wide eyes like they couldn't believe we were doing that! Every one of them very gratefully received. They were excited to receive on top of that! There was much for me to learn in that experience. I receive gratefully sometimes...but I don't know that I am ever EXCITED to receive! The joy on their faces were so special. And then we did something else. We took two big pans full of home made cinnamon rolls to the ICU where Zine spent a week. We all thought it was a great idea! But oh my goodness, I stood right outside his room at the nurses desk as we chatted about our thankfulness for all they had done for us! And emotions totally OVERWHELMED me. I walked out of that hallway to the elevator and the tears began to flow. And they flowed on and off all day long! I don't think I was ready to do that! Zine and I talked about it later...we called it Post Traumatic Stress!! It was definitely a trigger point for me! I was telling a friend about it and she wanted to know if it was healing. And I still don't know the answer to that. It didn't feel like healing...but...then again...maybe it was!
This was our second year to not be with our family! It is indeed still difficult for me. Zine seems to be content and I think grateful to be just us. A sweet phone call came as a FaceTime and I got to chat for a minute with my family! For that I was super grateful. Somehow it came up later and I asked Krisann if she would rather have Christmas here or in Arkansas. The answer was here. I asked her why and she said because Santa comes here. I asked her if she remembered when Santa came to Arkansas and she has no memory of those experiences. It made me incredibly sad! I have two kids who have been raised with lots of family around and have such sweet memories. But Krisann...this is now normal to her! At four she was still small enough to not carry those memories forward! And it made me think of all the memories Conner and Chloe will have of life pre MS and how much Krisann will never know. Gut wrenching! I tell Conner and Chloe they have to tell Krisann about the things dad used to do! And over Christmas I watched Conner do something for Krisann that ushered in lots of memories. Krisann got tired walking and Conner reached down, picked her up, and put her on his shoulders! This was one of those moments that melted my heart. You see, that was what Zine used to always do with our children and Krisann has never been on his shoulders! The other two got many miles up there on his shoulders!!
Even through Christmas, it has pricked my heart to cry out more to Jesus. Yes, I have been mad at Him...(sort of). Not sure mad is the accurate word! But definitely knowing that He is the only One that can take this heartache of MS away and He has chosen not to! So sometimes I do get frustrated when I know beyond a shadow of doubt He can take it all away! But through the Christmas season, it has pressed me into a deeper heartfelt request and longing...Jesus please take this MS away! Please please and please. Please please and more please. I remember looking at our pastor one day and saying I just want it all to go away! I think I may have even had pleading eyes and asked him to make it all go away! Sometimes, there's just a desperate feeling to be rid of MS! We are in one of those seasons!
But...even amidst all this...as I reflect on our Christmas...there are many fond memories I hope will stick with me. I loved the blessing others on Christmas morning. I loved our secret Santa time on Christmas Eve. I have LOVED having Advent Family devotionals for the month of December. Those have created many sweet family moments! So amidst the struggles, there have definitely been some sweet sweet moments!
But yet here comes Monday, and we embrace this MS stuff again with a doctor appointment with oncologist. It is never ending.
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