Not much to say

I know you all think that we share so vulnerably on our blog.  Zine and I always smile when someone says that because we know how much we do NOT say.  You guys get glimpses.

And today is just one of those days that I really don't want to put into words to share.  There's been lots of things over the past two weeks that I've not put into words to share.  But today in general, I just don't even want to really share our day.  I could tell you but in all reality, you would not even be able to imagine.  I wouldn't have ever been able to imagine for someone going through this.  But man oh man, I can do more than imagine now.  

I will say the hospital bed has been delivered.  Preparations are in progress to go home! Home health will be coming in.  For those that don't know, my mom started out as a nurse for home health agency and kept promoting until she was a director over home health for many years and many counties in Arkansas.  As things began to roll today, I found myself thinking about my mom ALOT!  She had such compassion for the people she took care of.  She always made them feel better emotionally and encouraged them. So today, I have prayed that when home health comes to our house, that I would get to experience my mom's expertise through someone else.  I can't imagine getting anything better than my mama's care. She loved her job and she loved her people.  I miss my mama.  Although I still have her in body, I don't have her emotionally or mentally.  And today I have struggled with thinking about her legacy all day long and missing her.

Emotionally Zine and I are both down tonight.   One would think with as bad as neither of us wanted to come here we would be ecstatic to go home.  Don't get me wrong....we are ready....but for me especially...I have become dependent on having constant helping companions.  So I am definitely feeling a weight of responsibility on top of my shoulders as we go home.

I'm not even sure I can suggest ways you can pray tonight.  I just know Scripture tells us when we don't know what to pray for that Jesus Himself intercedes for us with words and groanings we can not even imagine.  And sometimes, I just bow my head and say I don't even know what to say God, but I'm trusting you to get us through this!  And...He always does!  Zine has said numerous times, I want to quit.  I ask him...what does quitting look like and neither he nor I can define it.  So since we can't figure out how to quit we just hold on and somehow God always gets us through the storm!

  

Epic Disaster

So...here we are making preparations to come home!  Or so we think!!  Might not be after tonight!!

There were some wonderful men who went to our home this evening late and made some changes.  A hospital bed is going to be delivered to our house at some point soon.  So they made the bed change for me.  And as I was texting our sweet friend Noel he was sending me pictures of what they had done.  And this picture, just all of a sudden reached out and broke my heart.  My king size bed is gone.  Krisann and I will sleep in this bed and now there's room for a hospital bed.  This picture definitely did something to my heart!  But my house is now ready for that bed to be delivered.  We keep reminding ourself that this is temporary!!  But still, even temporary, it is sad and painful!

You think you are as handicap accesible as you can be and then you do things like break a hip and they find other things for you to make it more accessible.   So the men also added us a grab bar in the front of the shower!  That handle has been a life saver for Zine yesterday and today in getting showered here.  So he now has a hand hold in the front of the shower.  And before they will let you go home from here they have to know you are as safe as you can be!  So we are marking things off our checklist!!

Therapy was hard today but not as exhausting as it is some days.  I ran home this afternoon for a bit.  Did some major decluttering in a few minutes!  Amazing what you can get done when you're working hard.  I felt a bit rushed as I wanted to get back here before the doctor made his rounds this afternoon.  Zine had a problem develop on his elbow!  And I didn't want them to do anything to that elbow without being here!

The therapist was concerned about it but the physician here said it is a pocket of fluid that has developed because of inflammation.  He possibly hurt that elbow when he fell and the pocket has just developed.  Because each open wound is a risk of staph infection the doctor here did not recommend doing anything just yet for it.  We are going to continue to watch it, ice it, and hopefully, it will go away on its own.  That's the hope...but we don't do anything the easy way!!

Yesterday was Zine's first shower with the OT.  We both listened to the therapist and I watched intently but the therapist was the one that did it with Zine.  Tonight we got to do a test run on the shower routine. Well, we had an epic disaster to say the least.  The transfer to the bath chair went well.  He bathed himself!  He has a cool new gadget to get his feet and back and such!  Dried off and now ready to transfer back to wheelchair!  Well, that was NOT a success!    The tech and I and he weren't able to make the transfer.  So the tech went and got another tech and all together we still weren't able to make the transfer.  By this time, Zine is exhausted.  There's no way he can try to transfer again.  So pretty soon, about five more people joined us in the little bathroom and literally they picked him up out of the bath chair and set him in his wheelchair!  This was definitely not cool.  And then we notice that Zine has started bleeding and there is blood all over both of his feet and legs.  At first glance you think oh my word!!  But then you remember this is a guy on blood thinners.  But I tell you one little place on his leg left a great big mess!  It took me 20 minutes to get his legs all cleaned up.  He needed another bath but no way Hosea were we about to try that!  So the tech and I together got him all cleaned up and all he needed was one little bandaid!!  Go figure!

So our trial run was an epic disaster.  I can look back and see some little things we could do differently.  But that's the thing with these transfers...you have to have everything exactly correct, lined up just right and he has to make sure he leans the right way, pulls the right way, etc.  It's not the easiest of tasks...especially uphill like this one was!  I don't even want to know what they have written in our chart tonight.  And I don't even want to know what the OT will say tomorrow!   And I sure hope our epic disaster doesn't keep us here longer!   But...it made for an adventuresome evening to say the least.    I even took my jacket off tonight...that never happens!!  But it did tonight!    And poor Zine...that's so difficult emotionally when things like that happen!  He said it is definitely not his idea of fun and this is the worst bed and breakfast ever!  Early on in this process, the emotional state was horrid for both of us.  Probably the worst place either of us have ever been emotionally.  But our emotions have stabilized some and even in the middle of all this...the staff here all love Zine!  He continues to make friends, listen, and talk and encourage whomever walks in our room.  He said he could even see how God had used him in a young lady's life one night.  But...he says in the same breath...I don't want to minister to people here.  I don't love these people enough!  But the thought I had....God loves these people enough that He allows us to share our faith and struggles with them.  It'd be nice if we get to the place that we love these people enough that we are grateful that we get to share our faith and struggles with them.  God has truly given us a unique ministry opportunity in medical places!

I want to be here for OT tomorrow and I want to be home in the morning.  So pray that God would make OT be after lunch tomorrow!!  And our next door neighbor is having a bad night.  So you can pray for Mrs. Mary to settle down.  Her bed alarm continues to go off.  Poor lady!  Zine and I have felt for her ever since she got here!  So tonight we're praying for Mrs. Mary to settle down and sleep! And we're praying that Zine would be comfortable tonight and that he could rest well.  He has had pain meds and seems to be settling some!

Beginning preparations for home

We had our family meeting today.  It was very informative.  We know that we will go home no later than Friday but no sooner than Wednesday.  We expect it to be Thursday or Friday.  Several things have to happen before we can go home.

Before they will release us they have to know things are as safe as possible for our return to home.  So it was a time for the therapists to go over what equipment they thought was needed for the safety of all involved.  We discussed the different aspects of our home, how we could do things, etc.  What we came to realize very quickly was that we really were indeed blessed that our home was already so accessible!  Wow!  To be a normal person and fall and break your hip this would be even more overwhelming!

There are some men going to my home tomorrow night to make some preparations.  We have to add a couple of things to our shower.  We will be getting a hospital bed so the king size bed has to come down!   Then I'm going to have them move Krisann's bed into my room.  So she and I will be bed partners in my room and Zine will be in the hospital bed.  He is not excited about this at all!  But it is for his safety and mine!!

We have perfected transfers to level surfaces just about every time.  We finally got clearance for Zine and I to do them ourselves...so no more waiting on a tech to come before he can do anything.  That has been nice!  Unlevel surfaces are a bit more difficult to transfer.  And the transfer to the commode is quite difficult here.  But we think we have it fixed so it will be easier at home.  We will have home health therapists coming in to help us figure things out at home as well.

He has lost some more of his independence for the next while but he and I have managed that pretty well so far.  We have become quite the team.  I hope it stays that way!  Showering and dressing can't be done alone for sure!  And when transferring someone always needs to be there just for safety sake and helping with the board and his feet.  There will definitely be some pretty big life changes to say the least.  Morning and night routines will be the most time consuming and most difficult.  But...we will pretty much be stuck together. Zine being alone is just about out of the question for the next several many weeks.  Conner is ready to help carry some of the load when we get home!

I didn't want to be here and thought it was a horrible terrible idea.  But...now that we've been here...going home brings up some anxiety to say the least.  There will be no help!  There will be no one with me and him when we transfer and when we shower or bathe.  It will be Conner and I!  And that scares me.  I do NOT want to let anything happen to him!  I will be quite over protective of him to say the least.  I will feel horrible if we let him fall or something happen to him.  And before I wanted to go home so bad that I wasn't scared at all...but now...it's different.  I guess I have more sober thinking now.

Zine's emotional status went up today just knowing home is on the horizon.  That doesn't mean that when he wakes up he will be in the same place.  Both of our emotions have been so crazy!  One moment we think we can do this and the next moment we are crying and miserable.  As evidenced by these pictures.  Yes, I have climbed right up in that hospital bed with him numerous times.  We have cried in that bed.  We have laughed in that bed.  We have talked in that bed. We have grieved in that bed.  We have pushed the nurse button on accident in that bed.  :-)  But...we have not slept in that bed together just so you all know that!  Don't want any rumors surfacing about what we did while we were at the hospital!!

His UTI is better.  He has been having some pretty bad pain yesterday and today.  So we are keeping ice on his hip and taking pain meds.  But the therapist told him today it was not unusual for the pain to set in about a week after surgery.  But he sees home as an attainable goal now...so he's better emotionally.

Our children have amazed us this week.  The first part of this experience got off to a rocky start with them.   Conner just two days out from having his wisdom teeth removed, strong emotions, uncertainty, Krisann being shifted from pillar to post and some clashing personalities in the middle of stress set us off on the wrong foot.  But things have settled and Conner and Chloe have just made us so proud!  Not saying anything negative about anyone...but in times of high stress we all react differently and can be easily agitated, we can be highly emotional and need to shed some tears, we can need love and tenderness.   And I think we definitely saw that in our children the first part of this adventure.

This whole experience has brought something to light in my life...not only have I gotten skinny... I have gotten very weak!  I had no clue how weak I had become until we've had this happen.  Man oh man, I've definitely got to work harder.  I need some muscle back.  And some energy!

Pray for us as we navigate the changes in our lives yet again.  Pray for all the necessities to come together so by the end of the week we will be at home!  Pray for our kids as we prepare to return home.  Sometimes, when we return we bring stress.  When we are away they can escape reality.  But when we are there, it is a constant reminder.  And pray that I can increase some things in my diet that will help me get to the point I can build some muscle back!

You know...I can never ever write enough thank you notes to say the least!  And thank you seems so inadequate!  But thank you for the many many prayers.  Thank you for the physical acts of service.  Thank you for those that have comforted us.  And for those who have orchestrated behind the walls to make sure we were cared for.  God gives us all gifts and when we all use the gifts He has given us, then we begin to bless others.  And we've been the recipient of many blessings!

Easter in Rehab

We were all dreading this Easter.  We all know that Easter is not based on our circumstances.  But it is based on the resurrection of Jesus.  But we were grieving the fact that we weren't together, we haven't had all our family fun, that Zine is still in rehab, and our usual routines are all messed up, etc.  Just lots of heartache.  And not to mention not many people in our family like change.  So...it was a dreaded day.

My kids did a great job at getting dressed this morning!  I had fixed the girls hair yesterday and they even made it to church in time for breakfast!

They are three amazing kids.   Blessed by them everyday.  While they were at church we perfected the bath in the bed.  The doctor came by and we found some medicine that helped Zine's pain from the UTI.  Thank goodness...because that has been terrible!!  After church Conner picked up lunch and brought it here to rehab.  We went down to the day room, and sat at a table and had lunch together.  Wasn't home and wasn't my cooking but sometimes you just have to make the most of a bad situation.

 I had even managed to have a few goodies in an Easter bucket for the kids.  There were not thought out scavenger hunts, no meaningful stories about the little gifts inside, not much thought put into them, rather a stop at a store to see what I could find in 15 minutes!  Definitely not the way I would have wanted to do Easter for them but for this year....we simply made do.

We even had Conner take a few pics of us.  And his idea of taking pics is to hold the button down and see how many he can capture in 10 seconds!  So we always have a plethora of pictures when Conner has my phone!

We even had someone take a family photo for us!  Not once but three different times.  One because Krisann was trying to give bunny ears.  One because Krisann had a crazy look on her face.  And finally the third time we captured one decent family photo.

Then I went home and took a shower.  Chloe got a nap.  Krisann played.  And Conner got some alone time with his dad!  

When I got back up to the rehab, we all shared some chocolate cake together and the kiddos headed over to a friends house.   Very soon after that Zine got to hurting really bad. On a scale from 1 to 10 and Zine said a 6 to 7!  You know this guy was hurting.  For probably two hours from his hip down to his toe had muscle spasms.  It was not fun.  Two pain pills, an ice pack, and some time it finally settled down.  He then dozed off to sleep and had a nice nap!

So although this Easter wasn't what we would have desired, I hope we at least created some happy memories for down the road.  I know we all put on smiles for the pictures because that's what you're supposed to do...but no one was really happy and there really wasn't many smiles today!  But in years to come, I hope we look back and remember this as a bonding time for our family. 

I have had to work on my attitude this evening.  I should not look on Facebook.  Pictures of all the fun family times, and I find myself a bit on the angry/jealous side.  

In the morning we have a family meeting at 9.  Not sure what exactly to expect in that.  But Conner is coming to join me.  And Zine's adopted brother is coming too.  So...this family meeting better be good!!  :-)   We think we understand it is in prep for us to begin preparations for going home.  But no one will tell us when we can leave!!  Guess that might depend on what all has to be done.  And I think tomorrow or Tuesday, the therapists are going to try to progress Zine from baths in the bed to the actual shower.  I know he will be ever so glad for that!  Praying that they can make our shower chair work perfectly for us!   We finally got clearance today and he and I are now allowed to transfer from wheelchair to bed without the nurses in here!  Yay!  I take that as progress.

When we get to go home, I will be ever so glad to have my family all together again.  But I will say, I am nervous about taking Zine home too.  We will have to find new routines of doing things at home and make modifications to fit our home and not hospital.  So there will be an adjustment going home. Zine has been very nervous with Krisann here.  So I'm definitely praying that settles down some when we get home.  Now...if we only knew when we got to go home....we've heard Wednesday, we've heard next Monday, the therapist said two weeks.  I think no one knows!!!  But maybe after tomorrow we will know!!??  

Too Young for This!!

As I said yesterday....everyday is different.

Today Zine has been miserable miserable miserable.  He has a horrible UTI.  Last night at 10 pm he was so miserable our sweet nurse called the on call doctor for orders to give him something.  But even today, he is just miserable.  We are pretty sure he needs a different antibiotic but unfortunately it takes 72 hours for the culture to grow to know which antibiotics are effective!  So on Monday we should know which antibiotic to treat with...but for the time being, he is miserable.  Today's therapy was a bit easier than it has been earlier.  Weekend crew just doing some basic therapy.  He's getting to be a professional with that transfer board from the chair to bed!  We have managed a bath in the bed the past two days and I think we've made a great team!

Chloe and I both had scheduled eye drs. appt this afternoon.  I had promised the doctor I would get my eyes tested before I came back and saw him and my time is running out.  He said going 8 years between eye exams was totally unacceptable.  Chloe needs reading glasses.  And I about fainted when the doctor said, are you ready for bifocals???  For a moment I felt sheer panic.  No.....I am much too young for bifocals!  But no wonder I can't see to do these awesome coloring books.  And no wonder I can't see road signs until I get very close!!

I am much too young to be sitting in rehab with my husband.  Most of the people here I assure you don't have children at home!!  They are in the grandparenting years.  So yes, I am much too young for this too!

Zine is much too young to use a wheelchair all the time.  Much to young to have a broke hip.  Much to young to go on disability.

My son is much too young to look at me and say "Mom, you and dad have always said you were rearing adults not raising children.  You just didn't know it would be for such a time a this but God did."

My 15 year old is much too young to cry tears because her security level has been rocked to its very core.  Her heart is overflowing with overwhelming emotions but because she's trying to be big and brave, she unfortunately has to hold it in way too much!

My 6 year old is much too young to fear that her dad is going to die one day.  She is much too young to grow up in hospitals and be as comfortable with them as she is.

We are definitely feeling too young to be going through what we are going through.

I think this picture pretty well sums up our week.  I saw it on Facebook and just knew it would be a great picture to use sometimes.  I think this is the week for this picture.

But even in this process of complaining that we are too young for this, there are some polar opposite statements to these.  Because of what we are going through...God is working in our lives.

Because I am sitting in rehab with Zine, God has strengthened our marriage and made it sweeter. God has allowed us to be totally broken together and on the "same team" so to speak.   God has given Zine a new view of how much his wife needs him! We will not go into the details of the complete come apart that ensued for this realization to be made so vivid in his mind.  And God has given me a new view of how strong my husband is.  Not only to watch him physically work with everything he has, but also to watch him love me well despite my imperfections and crazy emotions, and to watch him make hard decisions because that's what needs to happen!

My son is understanding at a greater depth what it means to be responsible.  He is also knowing when it is time to step up to the plate and help with decisions and offer great wisdom.

My girls are developing a closer sister bond because of this season.  All three of them are having new experiences together.

My 15 year old is learning to share emotions a little at the time and not be overwhelmed and fall apart for hours on end through this situation.

My 6 year old is learning that we make the most of life we are given.  It doesn't always go like we want it to, but our job is to make the best of the situation.  That's a hard lesson for a 6 year old.

Our children are getting to see their parents broken and they are seeing hurting hearts but devoted hearts in the difficult moments.  Our children are getting to see the meaning of what it means to love in sickness and in health.

So yes, our entire family is broken hearted, but I can also see how God is developing good things in each of us as we walk through this season.

But we would still rather not be here and rather not be in this place in life.  Pray specifically for us tomorrow.  Easter is making us all sad because of how we have always celebrated Easter.  Chloe and Zine seem to be the most affected by this for sure.  But I think there are three kids making a resurrection cake tonight and I can't wait to see pictures.  I bet it is awesome!!  And Zine is doing his best not to think about it!

Pray for us as we put our calendars together tomorrow and look into next week.  Pray that details will come together smoothly and we will be able to work everything out to be a somewhat normal life for our kids.  Praise Jesus I am on spring break next week.  Didn't plan on spending spring break like this...but maybe it was God's gift to me.

Everyday is different

Yesterday I didn't even have energy to post an update.  Therapy was really hard yesterday.  Zine was exhausted.  And very down and out.  So he didn't even want visitors last night.  He was just spent physically and emotionally!  Today has been a better day than yesterday.  But yesterday was indeed bad!

Zine is progressing well with his therapy.  He's stronger than he was on Wednesday. His transfers are getting much better.  He's doing awesome from bed to chair and chair to bed.  Still haven't mastered the chair to commode and back transfer.  He worked on it during PT today but then we did it tonight it did not work too well.   More practice is definitely needed.  Please please pray that we can go home mid week.  We know we are here until at least Wednesday.  They told us today most people were here about two weeks.  So we want to beat that and leave here in one week.

Zine is miserable with a UTI yet again!  I asked the dr. to do a urinalysis today and sure enough, there's a big bad ugly infection.  Of course it has to grow 72 hours to know which antibiotic to treat with.  But tonight he is very miserable.  As I type I have just called for the nurse to see if there are any other options to give him some relief tonight.

We have cried more tears together this week than I think we ever have.

And my eyes may never be the same...

The night those two pictures were taken is no doubt, the worst night of our entire lives.    We don't understand many things!  We are devoted to each other and love each other greatly.  But with that means we hurt deeply.  And it was almost more than we could bear.  We have definitely been broken together.


We are both very ready to have our little family all back together.   We know that Easter Sunday is going to be a very difficult day.  We had planned for Easter Sunday to be our first Sunday back at church as a family!  But...that's obviously not happening.  So we are all saddened at not being together.  And we have always celebrated Easter all week leading up to Easter.  It has been our big holiday.  This year...well..needless to say we've missed out on all our family fun!

I had the idea of asking our sweet Kimble friends to just go have fun with our kids and dye easter eggs.  And from the pictures it looked like they had a great time!

For me balancing time with my kids and time with Zine is a constant battle.   I either feel miserable when I am away from Zine or I feel guilty when I am away from my kids.   Zine and I have definitely needed each other this week.  Our emotions have been so spent that we could barely function for a few days without each other.  We were very dependent on each other.  And....I think that's really how God intended it to be.  Two people become one flesh!

Yesterday Chloe and I had a picnic in the blue bus together.  It was our quiet time together and that was good for her and I to be together.

This week Krisann has been going to drama camp all week at Fantasy Playhouse.  So this afternoon was her little show.  So I skipped out on PT today to go watch her.  She did a fantastic job.  She was super proud of herself!!

And then I spent a few hours with all the kids!  They were crazy couple of hours!! But nonetheless, we saw each other and accomplished some things!

Tomorrow is a new day and everyday is different.  We shall see what it brings!!

Please pray tonight for some relief for Zine or else it might be a long night!

Keep praying that the transfers could be mastered, that our emotional state will be strengthened each day, that our strong faith will be restored, that our children will be transformed and not scarred by the events going on in our lives lately, and pray for Easter Sunday for our family.  We are ALL dreading it already!!

Transitions and Adjustments

No update for a couple of days.  No time and no energy for an update.

Zine was moved Tuesday afternoon to Healthsouth Rehab.  It wasn't necessarily what we wanted to do but medical staff said we just had to.  So we did.  I had no peace about that.  Tuesday night was awful.  Pretty sure I think I must have had a total emotional breakdown.  Glad I had mine last night because Zine has had his today!

Today has been learning how to give yourself a bath in bed and trying to learn to use the transfer board.   It's getting easier from wheelchair to bed.  But to anything else it is impossible.  So we definitely have some work to do before we get to come home.  Although Zine says he is coming home on Friday!    Neither of us or are children are content.

We definitely have a long road ahead of us.  A LONG road!!  We are all struggling emotionally.  Words can not even describe...

Visiting hours are from 4 to 8 Monday thru Saturday.  And 12 to 8 on Sunday.   Sometimes they give passes to go home on weekend but I'm betting we don't get one of those this weekend!  We can be here anywhere from 7 to 21 days.  Zine says 3!

The only way I can describe this whole experience is it is a complete nightmare.  Our faith is weak.  Last night I had none...it vanished somehow.   But our faith is struggling!  Our hearts are broken.  The depths of the emotional toll can never be explained.

 God has not stilled the storm.  And He has not stilled us yet.  So we are praying and waiting on Him to still us or still the storm.

Difficult Monday

Today has been a difficult day.  I won't write much tonight.  But we have seen all 3 of our doctors here today.  It was so nice to see our oncologist today.  Finally, a familiar medical face made us feel good!!  Zine's pain is manageable with meds.  About 30 minutes to an hour before it is time to take them, he begins to get uncomfortable.  

The doctor wants Zine to move to rehab for awhile.  Without using his right leg, he is quite immobile!  It is definitely a HUGE challenge to do anything right now.  I went and toured the only facility that my insurance will pay for.  And I left totally heartbroken.  I do NOT want that.  It is the perfect set up for Zine to catch the flu or any other number of things.  Not to mention, I am exceptionally concerned that his emotional state will be worse after going there.  And I think my children would be really upset if I came home without their daddy.  And....I simply do not function too well without him!

However, going home will be very difficult.  It will require some extra help!  Conner will definitely have to do way more than any son should have to.  We will have to help from others as well to bring him home.  And if something were to happen and I should let him fall again, I would be soooo mad at myself for bringing him home.  And in times of frustration and stress, it often causes marriage struggles.  So...that has entered our minds as well.  Is our marriage ready for such a huge task??

So we have no clue what the best decision is.  We are very conflicted.  After my fall apart with our nurse this afternoon, she suggested that I call Dr. L and see what he thinks about it all.  I thought that was very wise advice!

The PT will be back early and we will see if can transfer any easier and if he can transfer uphill.  And we will call Dr. LaGangke.  At that point, we will have to make our decision.  So please just pray that we would have great wisdom!  Or that Dr. LaGanke will have a strong preference.

And pray for both of our emotional states!  They have been very bad this evening.  Zine has struggled immensely since this happened.  He has been very frustrated and angry.  However, we have both cried ALOT this evening.  I had a friend bring me some dinner about 8 tonight and she visited for a bit.  And when she left, Zine said, I need her to come back.  While she was here, I forgot all this heartache!  But as soon as she walked out, it all flooded right back to the surface!  

Cherishing prayers right now!!  

Sunday Update

Zine slept last night.  The nurse was in and out every 30 min to an hour last night.  But I did manage to rest pretty well.  Think sheer exhaustion had caught up with me.

Zine's surgery was very successful.  It was quicker than they had prepped us for.  And he did great.  No complication with anesthesia or anything.  But they did his anesthesia very different to try to help complications be less.  We are super thankful for our anesthesiologist.  He was wonderful!!  And very thorough!  We actually were sent to the Orthopedic Trauma Unit.  We have received excellent care here!!    If you know Zine...you will believe he said this statement.  I've been screwed three times over!  Three long screws now reside in his hip!

Zine doesn't complain but we know he's hurting when he gets fidgety and says he can't get comfortable.  Pain meds help him settle down and feel much better.  Tonight he has been quite uncomfortable. But he is beginning to settle down and hopefully will rest well again tonight.

Today was a rough morning as physical therapy came to begin to see how we are going to manage things.  Zine can bear no weight on his leg for at minimum 6 weeks and this was his good leg.  As suspected, his left leg is not able to bear weight nor be of any help.  Which leaves him unable to transfer or do much of anything.  It took two of us to get him to sitting on the side of the bed.   Tomorrow we are going to work at using a transfer board and see if we can transfer that way!  We've never used one before and don't know if he will be able to manage that or not.  But they are going to send two therapists tomorrow and see if they can find a way we can be successful at something.  He is pretty weak right now.  Chemo and now this fall and broken hip is definitely taking its toll.  I asked the therapist today if he thought I was going to be able to take Zine home and he said...let's see what we can do tomorrow.  But if you do Mrs. Smith, you are going to have to have help and your hands are going to be full.  You have a long road ahead of you!  He was very, very nice.  We talked about our possibilities.  Zine wants to go home.  He does not want to go anywhere else.  I totally understand.  I want him to come home.  But I want to be certain I am able to care for him.  

This afternoon for the first time has been quiet.  Until about 1 today it seems that we have had medical people in and out almost constantly.  But this afternoon, it seemed much quieter.  I was able to get my class ready for the week.  My sub is graciously stepping in for me once again this week and next week is my Spring Break. I just simply feel terrible for my students and families!   I hate to be out as much as I have been.

The emotions are pretty much a roller coaster!  He is frustrated and mad and then he is depressed.  He got himself quite the attitude today for a bit.  But that is all to be expected!  I have been very even killed almost no emotion!  I got upset one time in pre op but that was just because I had just turned over a living will to the hospital and it made me purely sick to my stomach.   I think I have been in shock!  Today I have begun to finally feel some emotion but still not a lot.  I am concerned about what and how we are going to do life...but I just keep saying one step at a time.  And that's what I tell him.  One step at a time and this is the next step.  So right now, the next step is to try to get some rest.  No clue what the next step is after that but that's okay...we are going to conquer this step!  And then the next step will emerge.  My faith has been much stronger the past two days than it has been in several many weeks.  I know that's a result of prayers!  Our focus right now is just one step!!  If I look forward I can quickly become overwhelemed.  But as I told him, we've always adjusted and adapted to whatever and this will be no different.   Just one step at a time.

I feel very disconnected from our kids right now not just physically but emotionally too.  So I am very grateful for those that are loving on them right now.

Obviously pray for Zine's healing, that he would continue to be protected from getting something else or developing pneumonia, and for his emotional well being.    Pray for our entire family as we deal with this stress and the emotions that go along with it.  Also, eating and drinking is very very hard for me right now.  So just pray that I can continue to work on that even in the midst of this.  My brother has been with me this weekend and taking good care of me.  But he left today.  So I know a difficult time is about to ensue!  I'm awful at taking care of myself.

Thank you to our many prayer warriors out there.  There is no way we could have survived without your prayers!!  We love you all!  And thank you to those who have been standing in the gap with us and with our children. If there is ever one thing I can say...I can say without a doubt that we are being loved well!  Thank you to those who are being hands and feet for us!!

Just one step at a time.  And the next step is rest!  So off I go to try to get some rest!!

How Fast Life Can Change

I truly have no words.  It is simply amazing at how fast life can change.  We thought things were getting better.

Zine was beginning to not be as fatigued.  Our children were back in routine.  We were finding new routine at home.  I was improving in my eating.  We were beginning to feel like we were beginning to find a new normal.  And in the blink of the eye...life changed drastically.

On Friday morning, Zine was in the bathroom getting ready.  We have handles and dressing bench and lots of resources so that he can be independent as possible.  He had used the handles to stand up off the dressing bench and was tucking his shirt in.  He lost his balance, missed the many grab bars and landed in the floor.

I went to the bathroom to get a shower and found him in the floor.  He was trying to get up but was not successful.  Every muscle in his body was contracted I think.  So I just sat down on the floor with him and talked to him and just tried to let his body relax and recover.  In a bit I worked at trying to get him up but was unsuccessful.  Once again, Conner to the rescue.  Together we were able to get him up on bench.  I finished getting him dressed and tried to get him to stand and transfer to chair.  But that was a no go!!!  He could not bear any weight and he was having pain when he moved.  I suspected we had a problem.

Without my shower, I put my clothes on gathered a few  things and headed to Madison ER.  What we learned was he had broken his hip and it would need surgery.  Later we took an ambulance ride together to Huntsville Hospital.  Needless to say it was a LONG day and a LONG night.

Because he has been on blood thinners, we needed to wait 48 hours without them before surgery.  However, it has been decided that they would give him plasma to thicken his blood so that surgery would be safer.  So he has now had one bag of plasma and must get one more.  And they are hoping that this bag gets in before they come get him for surgery.  So it should happen soon!

He is uncomfortable but that is controlled with  morphine.  If he moves a muscle, it is pretty excruciating pain.  He has been alert and talking some and he has been sleeping some.

A broken hip has been one of my worst nightmares for a very long time.  So....at least I'm getting to face my fear!!  I still just think surely this didn't happen.  I guess it's a bit of shock stage.  Zine is grumpy about it.  He says he is not in shock but he is definitely not happy.  This will probably forever impact our lives.  For Zine, I'm sure this is more of his independence being robbed from him.

The caretaking for a while is going to be difficult to say the least!  So pray for us!  And....kiss your loved ones and hug them today!  Never underestimate how fast life can change.

10 Ways to Love Families in Crisis

Ever had a friend that is struggling and you don't know what to do?  Had a church member going through a tragedy and you seemed like there was nothing you could do?  I want to share from the other side of this.  I have been that friend struggling.  My family has been that church member going through a tragedy.  And I thought I would share some ways that we have been loved well.

1.  Remember that crisis is big.  That crisis seems like the end of the world.  You can't imagine going through what they are going through.  You are so sorry they have to go through that.  Those are the same things that you communicate.  You say you don't understand but you care.  You say it stinks, it stinks, it stinks, and after that it still stinks. You give lots of hugs!  You cry for them!  You might cry with them...that's ok too!  You may never say a word but your presence may soothe.

2.  Don't ignore their situation.  Don't pretend it's not there.  It is there and it is real!  So don't feel awkward mentioning it.  Some of our sweetest moments have been when someone has not been afraid to just ask hard questions about where we are!

3. Don't quote scriptures or give pep talks in the middle of the crisis to them.  I tell you...they probably won't hear it.  It will either go in one ear and out the other or it will anger or isolate them from you.   When the crisis settles, and we've comforted our friends a lot, then God opens the door for us to begin to speak truth.  And most of the time when they are ready for truth, they will unknowingly ask for it.  It just seems to be natural.  I find myself saying sometimes, please speak truth to me.  Or, what wise words do you have for me about this?  When hearts are ready to hear, then God will open the door.  No need to push yourself in and explain God's purposes and plans!  Let God do God's work!

4. Look for ways to serve.  Your friends in crisis don't always know what they  need.  What are even little ways you could brighten their day?   Make them laugh?  Let them feel in a tangible way they are loved.  It's okay to brainstorm ways you could help and ask if any would bless them.  But sometimes, you just need to step out of your comfort zone and not ask...just do.  And serving doesn't mean it has to be some huge project.  A card, a small gift, a meal, their favorite drink or dessert could all be ways you could brighten their day.    We have had fruit baskets, donuts, cookies, movie night basket that have been delivered to our doorstep.  We have had friends clean our house.  We have had friends help us with our laundry.  We have had friends do a little maintenance.  Because you know always in the middle of a difficult situation, something is bound to break!  We've had friends just come visit.  But when you visit, be careful to not overstay your welcome.  Often times, families need contact.  They need physical presence of people, but they tire very easily.  So just keep in mind not only are families physically tired they are also emotionally tired.

5.  One of the ways we have been blessed is to have a couple that coordinate our care.  One of my best friends has access to my online calendar.  She can look and see what's coming up and can know what days would be good for dinner, what taxi services might be of benefit, etc.  If someone has said can I do something, I always point them to this friend.  Her husband has been the contact point for things to be done.  So I point people to him as well.  It's easier for me to do that!  (Since I'm not awesome at receiving yet.)

6.  Pray with them and for them.   They may not want to pray.  That's okay!  But you get to stand in that gap for them and pray for them.  Some of the sweetest moments we have had is when friends have prayed for us in our presence.  One week I was sobbing, literally sobbing.  And my friend called.  She couldn't be with me, but in the middle of my sobbing, she prayed.  And she simply prayed until I settled a bit!  Priceless moment!  Sweet couple has come to our home and prayed with us several times...each time...priceless.  We don't always believe God's truths in our hearts.  We know them in our head but letting them sink to our heart is sometimes difficult.  So we have been blessed for friends to say," I know you're not feeling like God is good or I know you're struggling to believe this truth.  But that's okay!  I am standing in the gap and claiming that for you and committed to covering you in prayer and believing that one day that truth is going to be meaningful!"  No need for guilt when we are struggling.  Just tenderness and love.

7.  In medical tragedies and trauma, they often take a toll on finances.   We have received gift cards to where we buy our groceries and medicine.  We have received gift cards for a fun night to go have ice cream!  We have received monetary gifts.  We have had people run errands and then not let us pay for whatever they picked up.  So looking for ways you can help financially is always welcome to those who have enormous medical bills.

8.  If you have been their friend, continue to be their friend.  Don't change how you respond to them. Most of the time when people go through crisis, their closest friends will change.  They will quit talking about their problems.  Often times, they will even say, I shouldn't complain because look at what you have going on.  My problems are nothing.  This is isolating.  So don't be afraid to continue your relationships!  In crisis mode, people need to be loved and cared for but they also need outlets to give love and care.  I strongly believe God has designed us to be loved and to give love all at the same time.  If you have not been their friend, I'm sure they will always welcome new friends.  But I do offer one word of caution, sometimes people are really good at ministering in a crisis situation and you quickly develop a relationship.  But when the crisis is over, then you are done.  This....is difficult.  People in crisis need security.  And when people come in and offer security and then disappear, it is exceptionally difficult emotionally!  So be an "all in" friend.

9.  Understand that sometimes they need others to make decisions for them.  Now you must have that place in their lives to be able to do that!  But when we are overwhelmed, it is hard for us to think.  And it has been such a blessing that on more than one occasion to be able to look at a friend and say...what do we do?  And to just let friends come to your rescue and make decisions for you.  Sometimes simple decisions can be overwhelming!

10.  Remember, loving in crisis mode can be hard.  The person can be snappy.  The person can be emotional.   The person can be a little controlling.  (okay maybe a lot controlling) The person has the potential to say something that hurts your feelings.  Just remember, in the middle of a crisis, the crisis is about that person.  Give grace...lots of grace!!!!  Be tender.  When you don't know what to say, say "I don't know what to say.  But I love you!"  Sometimes just a good long hug melts hearts!

I have had this post in my blog entries for months now!  I've edited it several times!  But I can not give enough praise to Jesus at how He has loved us through our friends!!  If there is one thing I am certain of...I am certain that the Smith Family has been loved well!  And I'm certain that one day when we get to give more than receive...we are going to be much better givers!  But for now we are in a receiving mode and we have to remind ourselves that's okay!  We know that we will rebound and we will be out loving like we always have....only we will do it better!!  We have experienced love in very tangible ways!  So we would like to take just a minute to say thank you to the many, many people who have played a part in loving us well!

A New Health Adventure

On August 10, 2015, my husband almost died.  I will never ever forget watching his respirations go all the way down to seven and then to three!  Then it would come back up.  Only soon to return to three.  I said goodbye to my husband that night.  It was not frantic.  It was quiet and sweet.  Today, six months later I cherish those moments.  But those moments ushered in a new phase in my life.

Shortly thereafter, I discovered that food no longer tasted good.  I could never figure out what to cook for dinner.  I wasn't hungry.  So my food intake started reducing.  In October, I had jaw surgery.  So my food intake was very lhimited.  I got to where I was never hungry!  And often the only things I would eat in a day were a few bites at dinnertime.  I was always busy teaching or on the go to this appt or that appt.

In January, I started having horrible heart problems.  My heart rate was fluctuating like crazy and I frequently would miss heart beats.  Wore a heart monitor for a week which showed my heart rate was very unregular, I was having missed beats frequently and PVCs.    I had a sweet friend who went with me to the dr where she explained that I was under a ton of stress.  So it was decided that I would see a psychiatrist and treat anxiety as that could help the heart as well.  The entire time I was arguing I didn't have anxiety.  To no avail, my anxiety was almost totally off the chart.   So thus began a season of trying to acclimate to new meds.   Our bodies are simply not designed to operate under the sheer amount of stress mine has.

The first week of February, Zine received his chemo and we were gone for a week.  Stress was indeed very high.  I don't think I've ever cried that much in one week as I did that week!  And I am not a stress eater.  I am a stress no eater!!  That week I had the blessing of having a sweet friend with me and reminding me to eat and drink.  But eating and drinking was difficult.  Who knew you could chew food for as long as it took me to get one bite down!  And then by that time it sure wasn't too pleasant to swallow.

As a matter of fact the first three weeks in February, I lost an additional 7 pounds.  All together I have  lost right at 50 pounds and dropped 4 pant sizes in just a matter of months.  My back hurts A LOT due to my muscles getting weak.  Sweet friends talked to me about my eating and even hinted that I had an eating disorder.  These statements only made me angry.  I did not have an eating disorder.  I only had a stressful life!

On Feb. 15, 2016, the doctor suggested the possibility of anorexia.  To which I bristled my feathers and said I did not.  My blood work had revealed I was dehydrated and my vitamins levels were out of whack. On Feb. 16, a friend came over to help me try to find things I would eat with protein powder in it.  This turned into a two hour eating session.  It was all done in great love!   But for me, it was a total battle.  My anxiety did rise through the roof!  I was certain I couldn't eat more than my typical five bites.  But those who loved me began to push me to eat one more.  It was NOT a pretty sight!!  But even then I don't think I truly believed I had an eating problem.  But I did begin to think.  On Feb. 17, thoughts continued to plague me.  So I decided to look it up online.  Here's some of the symptoms of anorexia I found...extreme weight loss, thin appearance, abnormal blood counts, fatigue, insomnia, dizziness, menstrual problems, irregular heart rhythms, dehydration, low blood pressure.  Oh my word, these all described me.  But there was one thing that sent me on a complete melt down.  Blue fingers.  My fingers have been turning blue and purple and I didn't know why.  But here as I read, in this list of symptoms...discoloration of the fingers!!!  A Symptom of ANOREXIA!!!!!!  At that point, I knew what my friends had said, what the doctor had said was true.  I literally could not breathe.  I ran, I yelled, I cried.  My heart was beating out of my chest.  I kept saying oh my gosh...how does this happen to a 40 something year old woman!!??  I sat in Zine's lap and just kept saying how did this happen?  how did I let this happen?  This can't really be true.  This can't be happening.  How in the world do I fix this??  This complete frantic state went on for about 40 minutes.  My sweet husband loved me so well through this frantic panic attack!  On Feb. 18, my body had become so weak that my voice was raspy.  No congestion, no sickness,  just a weak voice.   On Feb. 19, I saw a therapist who  confirmed that I was on the path to anorexia.  But I was not nearly in the place many people get!  She has since explained my stress and emotional set up was perfect for an eating problem. So many things out of my control and this was one thing I controlled.  My mindset is not in the anorexic pattern yet she says...so I guess that's good!    I still don't understand the control thought pattern...maybe one day I will.

On Feb. 27, I found myself very sick.  I had actually been very sick for over a week but just kept functioning.  By late afternoon, my heart was going crazy!  I couldn't think clearly.  I could hardly hold my head up!  I was sick.  I texted a friend to ask her if it was anxiety or something else.  She suggested ER, thought I was dehydrated.  In my usual manner, I said how about I drink a Gatorade instead.  Oh how I love my friend...and it's a good thing!!  She replied if you're not going to do what I said then why did you ask!!  Ouch!!  Stepping on my toes!!

But the ER meant Conner would have to take me....Zine could not step foot in that ER with low blood counts.  As it so happens, someone had brought dinner to my house in the middle of this.  She knew immediately I was very sick.  She gave no option.  She took me to hospital where another friend came in a bit and stayed with me until I could go home.  I did get some fluids.  And some heart monitoring!  My blood pressure was really low and my heart kept skipping beats and having lots of PVCs.  So I must follow up with my cardiologist.  However, my lack of nutrition and fluids could be causing the issues as well.

I would like to say that I have fully embraced that I am on the path to an eating disorder and am committed to fighting hard.  But in reality, I feel worn out and exasperated.  I have been embarrassed and feeling like a big failure.   God has been working in my heart in this area.   Other times, I don't think I have a problem at all!  I don't know what the big deal is.  Everyone else is making a big deal.  So I waver back and forth between these places.  And occasionally, I am sold out to eating and drinking better!  I think I need to get to that sold out and eating and drinking better stage all the time.  But I'm definitely not there yet.  But as I have began to settle emotionally, I am feeling more like a warrior!  In the past week, I have managed to get at least a 1000 calories in every day.  No, that is still not enough but it's better than 300 to 600 calories which is what I have been known to get.   I am slowly working my way up.

I don't feel well at all!  I take naps whenever I can get them.  Which isn't nearly enough!  My heart is still giving me problems and I do have an appt to see my cardiologist on the 22nd.  I have also had horrible problems with low blood pressure.  Not only can eating issues cause this, my heart medicine has been interacting with some anxiety medicines which has caused it to go even lower.  So we have been playing with and adjusting heart medicine which has had me not feeling well either.  I also have an appointment with a nutritonist as well the first week of April!

 I have a great husband who is getting to see how much I need him in my life right now.  And I have a wonderful pastor and his wife that have been walking closely through this with me.  They've been sick and not able to be a part the past couple of weeks and I have missed their encouragement greatly!!  I have only shared this health issue with a few friends and few family members.  And the only reason that I have finally shared it on my blog is that I am terrified about what people are saying about me or what they will say to me.  I finally ventured out of my house last night and encountered a terribly awkward situation!  I'm certain many people know that there is a problem when they see me.  But they don't know what to say to me.  And I definitely don't know what to say to them.  I came home and thought I am never going back out again.  I will just stay home the rest of my life.  Of course, Heather says I don't think that is a good idea!  And Lisa says I think the more you get out the more comfortable you will become.  But literally I am not comfortable in my own skin right now.  So....I seem to be very socially inept at the current time.  So hopefully, by addressing it and putting it out in the open, it will remove some awkwardness for me??!!

Some things I am learning or have learned...

--I have been the care taker and haven't done a good job of caring for me.

--I don't know how nor desire to allow other people to care for me.

--I am not superwoman despite my strong desires to be her.

--Songs minister to my heart and several I have latched on to that are carrying me through.

--God has finally got it thru my thick head that I am not a failure.  At least for the day I wrote this!!  Hopefully that truth will stick in my heart.
--Just because I am struggling with my eating habits doesn't mean I am not allowed to love and care for others.  It does not mean I am disqualified from participating in events.
--Nothing tastes good to me.
--Dining out and eating in front of people is very uncomfortable and anxiety driving for me.
--Panera Bread has a four cheese souffle that I like and bean burritos with cheese sauce has become a staple.  My saving grace has been Clif Peanut Butter Energy bars.
--I am socially inept at the current time.  I feel SO alone and SO different.  And I see that in my youngest child as well.
--I lost my wedding rings because of this.  My rings literally fell off at some point and I have yet to find them.  And I have literally been so sad and sick over this!

Some ways that I feel others can respond to me....

--I need people to love and encourage me in this place.  No preaching is needed.  No making me feel guilty.   No your hubby and your kids need you.  Although that is truth, that doesn't encourage or bless me.   It only fuels my "you're a failure battle".  It's your choice is another phrase that is simply frustrating me beyond belief and doesn't bless or encourage me to eat or drink.  It actually makes me angry and I rebel even further.  It definitely fuels my "you're a failure" and "you're not strong enough to do this" battles.   Yes indeed it is my choice but instead of just telling me it is my choice, I am much more likely to respond to tender, loving, encouragement!  That just seems to be where my entire family is...we are just needing our emotional cups filled up with tender love and encouragement.

--How I have been encouraged is statements such as "you're stronger than you think", "you will be successful at managing your eating because that's who you are". Reminders that God sees and knows and that I am loved by God! Reminders that I will conquer this and to just imagine the possibilities of what God can do with this in my life.  Reminder that I do not have to battle alone is a big encouragement.  Especially if you have a specific way that you would like to walk with me in that place.

--A sweet friend has sat with me several times and very sweetly just kept encouraging me I can do this!  That's exactly what I needed.  I have needed loving tender encouraging words!  Words like  "I love you,  I believe in you,  You can do this, you are worth this.  I can not let my friend waste away."  And lots of reassuring hugs. 

--That same friend has been the recipient of many pictures of food before and after.  I have needed that accountability to get me on the right path.  Periodic texts that say remember to take a drink.  Texts that have said it's lunchtime I'm about to eat this...what are you eating.  Sweet accountability.
--Don't expect perfection from me.  I feel joy that I have bumped my calories up the past two weeks, but I often feel like it is not enough. I should be doing better than that.  I want people to rejoice I have made improvements and encourage me in that instead of me feeling like I'm still not good enough!  I still don't measure up!  And that is what I have felt a lot.  I know I am tender right now!  My children are tender right now.  My husband is tender right now.   I don't think we will always be in this place but for now...that's where we are.
--People don't have to pretend that is a subject not to be spoken of.  I don't want it to be an elephant in the room so to speak.  I have kept it hidden for a long time part of the time I had no clue it was a problem and then I kept it hidden because of shame!  And in some ways, that may be hindering me from moving forward.  But I do ask you remember the key words...tender love and encouragement.
--Lastly, please don't tell me that I look good skinny!  That fuels my eating issues to say the least.  I like being skinny.  But I don't like being skinny in an unhealthy way.  And I definitely don't like being physically sick.

I looked at Zine in the middle of my panic mode and said God better do something big with this!  And you know...I believe He is going to.  I have been at the very very very bottom of a deep pit!  I've seen pits before but none like this!  And as I climb out of this pit I know He is going to use it.

 And this is what I look like often as I try to eat my food.  Yes I utter prayers of Dear Jesus can you help me eat this food!!  And then I feel guilty so I try to be thankful for my food!

Long Day

We managed to arrive home tonight at 7:10.  Long afternoon!!

Our accessible vehicle has been in the shop for a week now.  So three doctors appts I have taken and put together the manual wheelchair...we've gotten spoiled to say the least!!

There are some people that experience the fatigue that Zine is experiencing with this chemo.  The dr said it could last three to six months.  They feel fine as long as they are quiet and not doing anything. But when they try to go somewhere or do something they are just exhausted.  So this is definitely something he has seen before.

In the next few days, Zine should experience nadir.  Which  means the lowest his blood counts will go.  We have a nurse coming to our house on Monday to do more bloodwork and monitor things closely.  But even after this season, for months Zine will be susceptible to infection.  And Dr. L has lost a couple of patients in the past few months and each one of them has been due to infection complications.  So we just continue to pray that God would give us wisdom on when to get out more, how to protect and not overprotect in the months to come!  The nurse was super proud of all we had done to protect Zine during this time.  I always worry are we going overboard or are we on target.  And she assured us today we had not gone overboard and had been very wise.

We have seen no benefits of the chemo working yet.  But the doctor was very encouraging that it could take up to six months.  I don't know that either of us bought his encouragement but he definitely offered it!  He did tell us of a drug that is designed for primary progressive MS.  The results of its study will be released in April.  But everytime we go, it feels like...well this might happen or this might happen or we can try this or we can try that.  We are both very exhausted of this possibility or this trial.  We did communicate how our stress level was extremely high and taking its toll on him and me!  And even our kids!  He could see it without us telling him.  He is very compassionate.

Zine has come home on disability and today we were to decide if he would go back to work or continue on disability.  The decision is that for now Zine is going to be staying home on disability.  Please pray for us as we make this transition.  Pray that we would trust God with our finances.  That we would find "new normal" yet again.  Pray that our hearts would be encouraged and not discouraged.   Pray that we would see the joys of Zine being home!  Pray for Zine's self image as this is totally rocking his world.  Pray for our children as they adjust as well!  We have never had dad or hubby home all the time.  So it is definitely an adjustment for us all.  His and my hearts are definitely concerned, sad, depressed, uncertain, etc.

Someone asked me earlier what we needed....my response was we simply were craving people's tenderness, attention, love, and care.   We are tender!  And our hearts just need to be loved and cared for tenderly right now.  So if we respond to anyone in a short or frustrated manner, please do not take offense.  Please just understand that our hearts are tender!

I have a friend that gave me this card months ago.  It hangs on my refrigerator for me to see all the time!  I also keep it in on my phone in my photos.  I think I have looked at this picture a thousand times today!