More Faith and More Grace

Someone said, I have been looking for a blog post....so I decided since you haven't posted I would just call!  If I can just add a personal note...Beth you have no idea how much that meant to me!  When I chose to write a blog, I did so for the ease of getting information to our friends and family.   What I didn't realize is that because of my blog no one has to ever talk to us to know what is going on in our life.   Yes, I know I should have known that from the start but it just didn't register!!  I must say that has it positives at times but it also bring negatives as well.  However, it is still something that we feel God has called us to do and is using in the lives of others.  When I look at posts and see that over 500 people have read that blog entry, I stand amazed.  We are just ordinary people leading an unbelievable life!  And God is using our drama to touch the heart of others.  I promise, that is a God thing.  I once said we could make a reality show and people would be crazy enough to watch it.  Kinda like we think you all are crazy reading our blog all the time!  But we do pray that God would use our struggles and our faith to encourage you!

Zine and I have continued to move forward in life.  We went to church last Sunday and out for dinner.  We have had our occupational therapist here this week.  Our home health nurse has been out this week.  The physical therapist has been here twice.  Karen managed to sneak her routine massage in and a trip to the dr with a dang headache that wouldn't go away.  I have spent hours on the phone working on new insurance and disability transitions.  We have made difficult decisions this week.  We have shed tears this week.  We have had heart felt and heart wrenching conversations this week.  I overheard Zine talking to Krisann this week and this is what I heard him say, "Krisann, I wished God would heal me too.  The Bible says if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you can move mountains.  And Krisann I have faith and I know that God can heal me.  But you know what I think, I think it takes more faith for God not to heal.  So we just get to have more faith."  Now if those words don't break my heart for a daddy to have to say those things to his six year old, I don't know what would.  Later I commended Zine on what he had to say!  It touched my heart.  And I agree.  Our faith has definitely been tested and our faith has definitely grown.

The past two months have been unbelievable.  In a nutshell, we have had three ER visits, two hospital stays, one rehab hospital stay, an ambulance ride, two surgeries, a trip to Ohio and the realization of scar tissue around Chloe's heart, a complete emotional breakdown for Karen, several trips to the nutritionist and psychiatrist, and numerous difficult counseling sessions for one person or another.  Not to mention that our freezer decided to melt cheese and had to be replaced.  My oven decided it didn't want to send electrical communications anymore and it had to be replaced.  Our lawn mower quit working but thanks to Zine's dad, he was able to help Conner fix it.  And now...my air conditioner is out.  We can spend several thousands replacing the air conditioner or we can spend 1/3 more to replace the entire thing!  I started to call it "stupid thing" but for someone with MS, heat is something they can't tolerate so in my house, the ac is very important.

So...if anyone has a reason to complain, I think we earn the right.  But you know what....I can't!  I can only give words to how God has been faithful.  He has been faithful to provide for us financially.  Despite Zine's low income while on short term disability, we have survived!  And then add in the major purchases, but once again, God has been faithful to provide through others, through savings, through money back from Uncle Sam...God has shown us very plainly His faithfulness.

God has carried us when our strength was gone!  The first night in rehab...God carried us!  We did not endure that experience on our own that's for sure!  Sitting in a doctors office listening to a cardiologist tell you that scar tissue is building up around your heart...God carried us!  When Zine was so sick he didn't talk...God carried us.  When my children were tired of "adulting" (yes that is a word at my house)...God carried them!  When my youngest is losing it emotionally outside a hospital elevator and I remind her that Jesus lives in her heart and He is always with her...God carried her!  When my middle struggles to understand and can't put things in perspective...God carries her!  When my oldest has more responsibility on his shoulders than most adults...God carries him!  We can do all things through Him...because we know He carries us!  And not only does He carry us but He sings over us!  That is my favorite visual...God holding one of us as He rubs our back or strokes our hair and sings over us with the sweetest lyrics ever!

Now...I would love to say we live in this attitude everyday!  But nope...we don't!  We are human.  We get stuck in the middle of difficult battles or difficult circumstances and we lose focus.  We become defeated. We get our eyes fixed on our problems and not on our God.

Zine made himself purely sick over disability approval instead of trusting God to work all things together.  Karen became so defeated in her eating that she lost the desire to battle.  Zine believes that he deserves MS and his self worth is minimal.  Karen's faith all but disappears in the middle of difficult situations.  Zine knows truth but believes lies from the enemy many times.  Karen forgets that God is good.  Zine gets angry.  Karen retaliates with anger.  Yep...we're human and we struggle.  We are NOT perfect!!  But we are the only ones who expect perfection of ourselves.  We need to learn that grace isn't just for others, but we are to immerse ourselves with it.  And I have to offer that grace to myself regularly.  I find myself saying, Karen, just because you are operating in survival mode does not mean you are a failure.

Survival mode means everyone finds them something to eat for breakfast and lunch and sometimes dinner.  And sometimes that means fruit loops and cheese puffs for three meals in a row!!!!!  Survival mode often means that Krisann gets a bath twice in one week (before church on Sunday and Wednesday)!  Survival mode means forgetting appointments until my reminder goes off on my phone.  Survival mode means I'm often short and snippy.  Survival mode means everyone feels like chaos is everywhere.  Survival mode means the same load of laundry has to be washed seven times or until Nan comes and rescues my laundry!  Survival mode means the mail gets stacked up for days or weeks at a time.  Survival mode means there are 500 emails in my inbox.  Survival mode typically means no rest for the weary.  Survival mode means the simplest decision is near impossible.  And folks, I have been in survival mode for three months now.  So I have had to give myself a lot of grace...and that's not easy!

Zine and I have had numerous conversations regretting the decision that we made to move forward with chemo.  Not one time but two!  Zine often says if I knew then what I know now.  We know why we made those decisions and there is no reason for us to beat ourselves up over those decisions.  We simply need to extend grace to ourselves knowing that we prayed about, sought wise counsel for, and agreed on as well.  So no need to go back and regret.  Just grace.

I can't help but find myself thinking as I write this, I wonder what situations other people need to give themselves grace.  Grace for me, Grace for you, Grace for me, Grace for you!  Grace, Grace, Grace!