Yo Soy Segundo!

That is some of the very little Spanish I know.  The very little.  My knowledge of Spanish doesn't go far beyond that phrase. That is really sad given that one of my grandfathers was fluent and would even dream in Spanish.  Many times he would use Spanish for interjections while working on the Forney place farm. Especially during hay season. (All of this could have been skipped as it has nothing to do with the blog.  I just wanted to include Schoolhouse Rock.)

 I Am Second has become the hip new Christian community thing..

Think back to these days of the 90's

I have been impressed by the testimonies that are shared with video and the stories told. Most of them from what I would say are B-list celebrities. Some of them I have never heard of. Including Kaká.

(I am an American so it is spelt football and is played with an oblong ball that you carry and pass, not a round one that you kick.)

He is likely very famous to most of the world from fùtball. I had never heard of him. His story is significantly different from mine. I have never been a celebrated athlete. I've never had fame or fortune. I've never been respected for my talents by my peers and the world at large. I have had taken from me what I work at and have defined myself by. I have had my career taken due to physical damage. His testimony hit me between the eyes and had me in tears. (But I do cry like a little girl.)

Given what I expressed in the last blog entry it would appear that the LORD is seeking for me to understand and believe His truth about me. I take that back. He is seeking for me to BELIEVE His truth about me. (I already understand/know His truth. I just don't walk in it.

It is the problem of eighteen inches between the heart and head that are more like an ultramarathon. Your reality is what you believe and what you believe is shown by how you walk.) #headToHeart

All of this being typed, I do highly recommend visiting the I Am Second page and reading the stories and watching the videos.  Very encouraging and challenging. 

Extreme Makeover

Wednesday I did something I have not done in quite some time. I got out of the house, ate dinner out with my wife and older daughter, and ”volunteered supporting the student ministry”. That phrase is funny to me. I go and spend time with people who I adore and that's my ministry. I enjoy their presence. I get to encourage these men and women as they learn more how they are men and women.

I really love to be with students because I feel at home. These are my people. I belong. I can be a hot mess and they are like me too. One of my favorite aspects of this ”ministry” is observation of the students to learn who is struggling and hurting. Seldom will you hear it but most students have yet to learn the skills of hiding that most people practice far too well. I get to surprise them individually. I get to speak directly to them, look them in the eyes and say, “I love you and there is nothing you can do to change that.” (You would think that I would have learned to believe that of my Father, but that's a different blog.) Some look at me as if they are now certain of my insanity. Others look and say thank you. Still others question how steadfast the love truly is.

But all of that is not the point of this blog. The student pastor had just returned from an overseas mission trip. I'm not sure he knew what day it was to be honest. He normally shares a devotional after the worship time. While the student worship team was doing an amazing job leading rest of the students (and adults in attendance) in worship, I was distracted by the words of a song. (Of course I can't remember which song now. If I could it would make more sense. It would likely be meaningful and significant, but I don't.) They began the process of getting to the revelation.

Since Byron knew that he would likely be exhausted after returning, he had asked me to share a devotional with the students. And because Byron is wise beyond his years he had asked Kelly Marie to share a devotional (because I had completed checked out earlier in the month health wise and he needed a pinch hitter if I wasn't back in the game) which I wasn't expecting.

I honestly don't remember what KM said. I don't remember what Scriptures she used. I do remember her object lesson of perspective and I needed to hear it. It meant something separate to me than it did to the students. KM’s devotional reminded me of this verse:

A new thing!? Something unexpected. Something unplanned. A new thing.

   

(Being a child that grew up in the 80's I had to do this.  I'm sure Toby Mac, Michael Tait of the Newboys now, and Kevin Max of Audio Adrenaline now would love to forget his video. Sorry gentlemen.)

So new, it is a river in the desert. Unimaginable, incomprehensible, and amazing. To say that rivers will flow in a desert sounds foolish. God says it was. I know the correct context of this verse and I am well outside of the proper contextual use, but stay with me. 

The Lord convicted me of how I was not trusting Him. I have wanted do badly to be healed of MS. To be physically whole. To have a meaningful sexual relationship with my wife. Those are good things that God has given. They are not evil or distracting from Him. I was right in my case and frustration. My cynicism and negative thoughts were accurate accounting not pessimism. 

I was wrong. I did not have faith that the LORD desires to give me the best. I wanted what I believed to be best. I started to think of the show Extreme Makeover Home Edition. 

I have been like a home owner in this show. Except I have been running on to the work site picking up rubble, nailing broken boards together, stacking bricks and yelling, “I want to fix it! Help fix it!” 

In this video you can see the volunteers cheering as the house comes down. Ecstatic about the destruction. Why? This was someone's house. Why cheer this? Because they know where it leads. Without the destruction there could be no new. No perfect home. No removing of the trouble causing house. 

I have been convicted and encouraged by this though: I am going through God’s Extreme Makeover Life Edition. I have no concept of where this leads. What this looks like. I do know that what I have thought my life was like; what I thought it needed; what I believed was best is far from the best. I cannot even fathom what a best life looks like without what I believed to be best. I have no choice but to choose to believe God when He says that He will prosper me, not harm me. He will give me a future and a hope. He will give me not only life but have life to the maximum. I also cannot a fathom how a river would be formed in the desert.

This post makes it appear that I am really spiritual and have it all together.  It would seem that I don't have doubts and anger and bitterness that I battle.  That would be a lie.  I do suffer with fighting bitterness and anger.  I do battle doubt.  I do fight worthlessness. I do battle believing that I am not loved and accepted  It is encouraging to see that God is still seeking to work in me.  That I am not undone.  I fight lies everyday and lose quite often.  I was encouraged Wednesday in a most surprising way with a thought I didn't want to think. God is allowing a demolition of by life. On purpose. He is going to build something new and that scares me to tell the truth. I want to have Him build what I want, not the best He knows. He will prosper me. He will give me a future. I have to keep reminding myself of this in the demolition.

All This in One Day!!

So...this is how I started my day out!

Really, I have to wear this again?!?!  At least this time I only have to wear it for 48 hours.  The doctor is changing my heart medicine to see if he can get the issues going on with my heart settled down.  It really is a very benign problem.  However, it is a huge problem when you can't sleep because your heart isn't beating correctly.  And it is a problem when your blood pressure is way low.  This morning it was 88/56 I think.  He said stress could definitely be a major culprit.  We did discuss my food intake and up until today, I have been doing good on my intake! (We are not going to talk about the calories consumed today though.)  I guess I need to learn to handle my stress better.

Manage stress better....I have a plan.  I'm sure this will work. :-)  In one of these bags is some medicine that is my new heart medicine and some new anxiety medicine as well.  It also has some new medicine for Zine in there as well.

Manage stress better....hmmm....this was what was in my mail today.  And this pretty well sums up what I've been dealing with for several weeks now.

There happens to be much paperwork to fill out in the brown envelopes!  They were BIG envelopes too!  Happy happy joy joy!  My favorite thing to do is fill out paperwork.  Not really, but it is one thing I can do and do well!  The other envelope is also an agency I never thought I would be dealing with.  However, my kids now have insurance.  That has been 4 months in the making to get them health insurance.  I looked at these envelopes and thought God is this REALLY our life now?  This is not how we had it planned out God!

And nestled in with these envelopes was a card.  A gentle reminder that God's grace is sufficient...for plans that don't go our way.  His grace is sufficient for a MS battle.  His grace is sufficient period!

If you ever wonder if God uses your cards that you send, this is just one I used to blog about today.  God often uses cards to speak to us and they arrive at just the perfect time!  Zine and I were discussing earlier this very verse.  Are we willing to be weak?  Are we willing to let God use even MS for good or are we going to continue to rebel and tell God that there is no reason good enough for our family to have to go through this.  For Pete's Sake, I have a 6 year old who doesn't want to stay home with her daddy alone because she is afraid something will happen to him and he will need to go to the ER.  Is that fair?  The answer is no....it's not fair.  But the same God whose strength is made perfect in my life is the same God who manifests Himself in her life.  His grace is sufficient for me, for her, and for you.

And a little chocolate helps keep you going sometimes.

Welcome to another day in the Smith house where it is never boring, always crazy, and full of gratitude and love!  

Another day where you might eat this for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!  But as a friend just texted, "His mercies are new every morning!"    We really are rich with blessings!   I have a friend sitting in ICU with her husband right now and she said, we're the healthiest person in here!  She's also the same friend that has had an hour and half of sleep in over 24 hours but said His mercies are new every morning.  Even in the ICU with her very sick husband, our many texts are a blessing!  Thankful that God uses circumstances in our lives so that our hearts can identify with others!  And she really makes me want to be more like her.  I don't think I was testifying about His mercies being new every morning when I was sitting in the ICU with my husband!

So as a reminder, God's promises are true.  My son just sent this picture to me.  He took it at church.  What a beautiful reminder!!  There will be new mercies in the morning for the two envelopes full of paperwork I need to fill out. There are two rainbows for two envelopes.  There will be new mercies for my friend battling cancer that sent the card.  There will be new mercies for my friend sitting in the ICU with her husband.  There will be new mercies for my friend recovering from surgery.  There will be new mercies for whatever circumstance is burdening your heart right now.  Because He promises us there will be!  And He sets His promise in the sky sometimes...just to remind us...His promises are true.  

Cullman, Corinth and Craziness

We had a record time appointment in Cullman on Friday!  That is a complete rarity!!!  Typically when we go we are there for hours upon hours!  And Friday we were in and out in two hours!  The wait was short!  The time was difficult.  When you put three months of decline, three months of crisis after crisis in a short paragraph it can literally make one sick!  There is no doubt, it has been an unbelievable three months.  And there is no doubt, there has been an unbelievable decline in Zine's MS.   Dr. L came in, said hello, and then quietly said, you know the battle has already been won don't you?  We were both quiet for a moment and he looked at Zine and said, do you know that the battle is won...in the end, God wins and your body will be rid of MS.  Do you know that?  Zine responded yes I know Dr. L but in the meantime, MS sucks.  And Dr. L said so sweetly, I totally agree.  Our battle here on earth with MS seems to be a losing battle.  And Dr. L pretty much said so.  We are making some medicine changes which we hope to see benefit from in the next week.  We need a few months of no crisis for Zine to build his strength back.  He still just gets wiped out very easily!

I have been super tired lately.  Like 2 hour naps tired which is a complete rarity.  I think it is medicine related but it could just be life catching up.  But despite how tired I was, I couldn't wait to go to a funeral Saturday.  Why?  Because I was going to surprise my sweet friend and love her well!  So despite my tiredness, I made a trip to Corinth, MS to be a part of such a difficult day for my friend.  It blessed me to see my sweet friend interact with her family, to see how beautiful she was even under the pressure of losing her mama, and I loved listening to the eulogy she gave about her mom!  I think her mom raised a great daughter.  And I was blessed in blessing her today!  I hope I never get so tied up in my own life that I can't bless others!  And while I was blessing my friend, two different friends were blessing me in different ways.  I am so grateful that although it has been a VERY hard lesson to learn that I am learning to receive from others! (at least sometimes)

Thursday was the big "c" word day, Friday was Cullman, Saturday was Corinth, MS and today was just craziness!  We dressed to go to church.  We were even in the car on our way.  But didn't make it.  Let's see the car made strange sound, put three warning lights on, the donut shop that should have taken 3 minutes took 20!  First our phone app didn't work (I really think it was cashier was not technology savvy), then my debit card wouldn't work, then Zine's coffee wasn't right, and the story keeps going it was just one thing after another!  Finally, we just decided that we were just going to go back home.  The car is fine!  We restarted it and everything reset perfectly!  Later today, I dressed to go to the pool.  Halfway down there it thundered and in about 2 minutes it was a nice storm.  Twice I dressed to go somewhere and didn't make it!  Might better sleep in my clothes because I would sure hate to not make it there!

I'd like to say I have some spiritual lesson for this blog post.  But..I really don't!  It's just ramblings tonight.  Speaking of ramblings...I think our blog is going to get some updating!   I have some fresh ideas for our blog!

And I have some random pictures to share with you tonight!

Protein Pancakes!  I do eat these some mornings.

Oh my goodness, go ahead and faint...I tried avocado!!!  Four bites to be exact!

I also have had lots of practice at putting shoes on!  I think I'm getting pretty sneaky with Zine's toe that sticks up all the time!  That toe used to give me troubles but I have just about mastered it!

I think we must have been listening to instructions from the PT in this picture.  

We learned how to use a transfer board and we have learned how to use a gait belt.  

The doctor on Friday talked to Zine about how I am blessed when I help him.  And by him allowing me to care for him, he is providing many blessings for me!  I wish I had wrote down exactly as Dr. L said it because it was so eloquent!  He was exactly correct!  I am blessed getting to be a part of Zine Smith's life!  I wouldn't want anyone else to help him!

I have finally made our beds!  Someone looked at them and said oh, they look like they should be in a nursing home.  I felt my heart sink!  And then they said or a dorm room.  I don't like either description!  But never fear right beside Zine's bed is what we refer to as our stripper pole!  So don't you guys for a minute think that just because we have separate beds that there's no fun in this house!  LOL!    Below you can see it really is a pole that he uses to help him get in and out of the bed.  But it is regularly referred to as our stripper pole!

And just for the record, I don't think you will ever hear me say I hate summer!  I say I hate winter all the time.  But I do think summer is my favorite season.  I love sitting by the pool!

Didn't Feel Very Brave

Today was a day that neither of us felt brave!  However, despite our lack of feeling brave, we had to embrace this day.  And we made a choice to face this day with faith.  We fed ourselves with His Word.  I listened to my "Songs that Minister to My Heart" playlist repeatedly.   We poured our hearts out before the Lord.

Zine was not brave about the actual procedure.  Karen was not brave about the end results.  We simply did not feel brave.  However, we walked forward into an appointment knowing the procedure could be painful and the results could be painful.  

No one should have to go through situations such as this one.  It was extremely difficult.  We both had much anxiety.  Zine begged for drugs to knock him out or at least make him so that he didn't know anything.  My physical body endured much stress.  It went from feeling like it needed to run 4 miles to feeling like it needed to sleep for 4 hours.  My food intake has only been protein bars. (One for lunch and one for breakfast!)  Tonight I literally hurt from my head to my toes.  Stress and anxiety takes its toll on our physical bodies!  Zine has been wiped out this evening as well.

As I sat in that procedure room with Zine I prayed for Michael to be in our room and not in the Philippines.  I was so insecure.  We both felt so weak and so tender.  What a blessing that while I sat there and waited I got two text messages and one was from Heather.  It was like God just kissed me with some security through her text message.

We were prepared for the "c" word.  We had prepped ourselves that could be the case.  We had not resigned ourselves that would be the end result, but we knew that could be the end result.  We didn't even have words today for each other.  We didn't talk much while we waited.  We just waited.

The doctor came in to perform the procedure.  And there was a ton of bricks on our shoulders.  I can't even begin to share this experience with you and if I tried, it would be inconceivable unless you have been in a similar situation.  I guess I should share the end results with you but I'm going to wait a minute.

You see, as I've had a little while to reflect...there's a message that I needed to hear today and I think it's a message you might need to hear.  We don't have to feel brave all the time.  I know what my circumstances are and I know I always think I should feel brave.  I have people say you are so brave. And I say no I am not....if you only knew.  Here's what I heard today:  You may not feel brave but you are courageous.  Courage is not the absence of fear.  Courage is standing strong in spite of your fear.  So although you may not feel brave you are courageous.  Let me say that again, whatever your circumstance that is overwhelming you today...you do not have to feel brave.  You are courageous because you are standing strong in the face of fear!  We did NOT feel brave today!  But we moved forward and did the next thing because we were standing strong in spite of our fear.

Now for the results of our day.  We can rid ourselves of the "c" word.  There is no "c" word right now.   We can not be 100% certain what has caused the issues.  However, we suspect it was a combination of gall bladder surgery, a different type cath tube, calcification at the end of the cath formed, when we tried to change it bleeding occurred because of blood thinners, and then because of blood thinners it took quite awhile for things to heal.  I think that's the cumulation of what possibly happened.  But we rejoice in that we can say no "c" word.  

I would love to say we are floating on cloud nine.  However, I think we all just feel blah.  Stress has taken a huge effect.  And now that the stress has been relieved I think we all just need to sleep for 4 days!  But we can't do that!  We have another big appointment tomorrow with the neurologist.

Don't forget...it's okay to not feel brave!  Just stand strong in the middle of your fear!

ER Visit and Further Testing

Thursday was a day for the record books.  I posted a picture on our Facebook page so I know a lot of people were praying for us as I ended up back in the ER with Zine.   Thank you.  We needed it.

Our home health nurse arrived at 11:00 Thursday morning and by noon she had sent us to the ER.  We have been dealing with what we thought was a UTI.  However, we discovered on Thursday that was not the cause of the complications we were dealing with.  And then we had hardware dysfunction  upon hardware dysfunction on top of the problems we had been dealing with.  I think that's a good way to explain it!  Catheters are a wonderful thing when they work correctly.  But when they do not allow output, it becomes an emergency.

After about 10 hours in ER, they let us come home only to return to urology office first thing the next morning.  The ER solved crisis number 1.  They were able to remove old cath and finally were able to get a new one in.  And after quite a bit of work, they were able to get the new cath to functioning properly again.  Let's just say, this was an extremely difficult day in Zine's life!

Crisis 2...what is causing the complications we have been experiencing.  That is in the hands of the urologist.  So this coming Thursday, Zine will have a procedure done to determine the cause of the complications.   There has been mention of a horribly ugly "C" word.  That is how we have described it at our home since Friday.  It's like no one wants to say the word cancer.  So we just refer to it as the C word.  The test on Thursday will let us know if that is the problem.  If it is the source of the issues, then a biopsy will be performed.  Now, we also know that sometimes crazy things happen especially when you have a cath.  So maybe it is just some fluke crazy thing that has happened.  Maybe there is inflammation causing the complications.  There is just no way to know until Thursday.

However, the uncertainty of what is going on is weighing heavy on my heart.  For Zine, he wants to deny, minimize, and ignore.  We definitely handle stress differently at times.  And when we are handling stress differently, it is a challenge for our marriage.  We will eventually get to the same place in dealing with stress and then the relationship is smooth and sweet again.  But when we are coping in very different ways, harmonious relationship is a challenge.

We did go to church today and I cried through the entire service.  I didn't want to go for that very reason.  But Zine wanted to go and I needed to bring my girls home so I went.  Wouldn't you know that the sermon title was "How is your heart?"

We have shared with our teenagers what is going on.  Until we know details, we have spared sweet Krisann from the concern.  However, she is very observant of our moods...but she's not asked any questions.    There is a fear and an aloneness radiating in my heart right now.  I think Zine's heart is filled with dread and he says, "it's just one more thing".  Chloe's heart is definitely filled with uncertainty.  And I think Conner just had a feeling like someone had punched him in the stomach when I shared with him.

Even if everything turns out okay on Thursday, it does not take away the added stress that has been placed in our lives.  We follow Thursday up with an appointment in Cullman on Friday.  Zine has appt with primary doctor on Monday to recheck elevated liver enzymes.  I have appointment with the psychiatrist and the nutritionist this week as well.  So it is a medically filled week.

When we don't even feel like praying, we find comfort in knowing you are praying for us.  When we don't know what to say, we know that we have a Spirit right alongside us.  And He does our praying for us making prayer out of our wordless sighs and aching groans.

Permanent Changes

Several have said we haven't seen an update in awhile.  It is simply because I haven't had the time to put thoughts together.  Oh, I've started a couple of blogs, but never am able to finish them.

Zine has not felt well the past few days.  Actually he says I have felt bad before, I just don't feel 100% right now!  Stupid UTIs are causing much grief lately.   They seem to be a permanent nuisance.  Evidently, maintenance antibiotic is not working.  We are in the process of getting reestablished with doctors under our new insurance.  So it is like we have to reestablish with each doctor that we see.  And not only do we have to reestablish, our poor primary care doctor has to send referrals to each doctor as if we were new patients.  So...I'm thankful for our sweet little doctor.  And I mean little in a literal way.  This guy makes Conner look tall!  But his compassion is more than one could ever ask for.  I'm thinking our sweet little primary dr might wish that we weren't permanent patients for him! I am still working on insurance for my kiddos.  We need a quick answer on a permanent decision for their health care.

We have been reestablished with home health for the third time now.  And we will be reestablished a fourth time with new orders from our primary doctor and then I think we will be a permanent patient for them as well.

I now have a new bed!  And Krisann has her bed back in her room.  So the past two nights, she has stayed in her bed all night.  That is a complete rarity!  I can't remember the last time she stayed all night in her bed.  So...maybe sharing her bed with me for so many weeks, she may have decided having a bed to yourself is quite nice!  Zine and I have struggled with the bed change.  When it was Krisann's bed in our room, it was temporary.  However, now it is permanent.  I couldn't just get rid of my bed.  So there is a king size bed sitting in my garage taking up the place where the car usually is.  I have discovered the bed cannot stay there!  It indeed has to go.  It is a parking nightmare!  Three cars, end of cul de sac, and garage occupied by king size bed.  Well, one could only imagine the number of times we have have played ring around the rosie with our cars in the cul de sac.  But some things are hard to part with.  This is one of them.

Another thing that is permanent is disability.  We have now transitioned over to long term disability.  We have had a very, very stressful two days working on long term disability.  And this was our private disability insurance.  Now we begin working with social security disability.  For some reason, that office and those people are very intimidating to me.   I am having to face some insecurities to say the least!

Another permanent decision...do I return to my teaching job next year or not.  I had missed 8 weeks of school when it was decided that I would just take the remainder of the year off.  My contract is due tomorrow.  I am very, very conflicted.  I actually think I know the answer but man oh man, walking in faith is SOOOOO hard!!!

Some people would call those negative permanents.  I don't call them negative, just part of our life now!

There are some permanent changes going on that are positive for sure!

God has been proving to us that He is provider!  We have had a permanent change in our understanding of Jehovah Jireh!  We have the neatest stories (notice the plural form) in how God has provided for us over the past few months.  There is a story specifically as it relates to our air conditioner.  It was one of those stories that I just sat with my mouth wide open going God...did you really just do this?   And yes He did!  Jehovah Jireh.

God has also let me intimately know Him as Jehovah Raah!  The Lord our Shepherd.  Our understanding of our shepherd has deepened with each passing circumstance.  There is no way that we could have done the past few months without a shepherd!  Every time I drive past the Holiday Inn Express where I stayed one night in utter despair, I am reminded of the fact that I encountered my Shepherd!  My Shepherd loves well.  My Shepherd can even drive a car when my eyes can't see the two lines on the road because of tears!  My Shepherd knew just how to take care of me!  Sometimes I think...why did I go to a hotel that is in my vicinity.  Why do I have to be reminded of that horrible night that I drug myself into a lobby and asked for a room?  Why do I have to remember how utterly despaired I was.  And then I remember it doesn't have to remind me of my utter despair.  It can stand as a reminder that my God is a tender loving Shepherd who in my darkest moment knew exactly how to care for me.  Jehovah Raah.

El Roi.  The God who sees.  We have often felt overlooked!  We have most definitely felt unseen over the last few months.  But that's because our focus gets stuck in our current earthly circumstance.  When we have our eyes focused on our God, we are able to know that God is a God who sees.  He sees where we are.  And our faith has grown deeper and wider as we have come to understand God is a God who sees.  Our faith will never be the same again.  Our faith has been changed forever.  If our God was not a God who sees, then He would not know when we needed to be scooped up in His arms, hugged tightly, rocked, and calmly sang over.  There have been numerous times, when we have experienced just that.  We have felt God scoop us up in His arms, hug us tightly, and sing over us.  Our God sees.  El Roi.

From doctors to beds to disability to decisions 

our lives have been changing constantly.

From Jehovah Jireh to Jehovah Raah to El Roi 

our God has permanently etched Himself 

in our hearts and lives forever.

How have you experienced God lately?  How has God etched Himself in your heart and life?