Zine was not brave about the actual procedure. Karen was not brave about the end results. We simply did not feel brave. However, we walked forward into an appointment knowing the procedure could be painful and the results could be painful.
No one should have to go through situations such as this one. It was extremely difficult. We both had much anxiety. Zine begged for drugs to knock him out or at least make him so that he didn't know anything. My physical body endured much stress. It went from feeling like it needed to run 4 miles to feeling like it needed to sleep for 4 hours. My food intake has only been protein bars. (One for lunch and one for breakfast!) Tonight I literally hurt from my head to my toes. Stress and anxiety takes its toll on our physical bodies! Zine has been wiped out this evening as well.
As I sat in that procedure room with Zine I prayed for Michael to be in our room and not in the Philippines. I was so insecure. We both felt so weak and so tender. What a blessing that while I sat there and waited I got two text messages and one was from Heather. It was like God just kissed me with some security through her text message.
We were prepared for the "c" word. We had prepped ourselves that could be the case. We had not resigned ourselves that would be the end result, but we knew that could be the end result. We didn't even have words today for each other. We didn't talk much while we waited. We just waited.
The doctor came in to perform the procedure. And there was a ton of bricks on our shoulders. I can't even begin to share this experience with you and if I tried, it would be inconceivable unless you have been in a similar situation. I guess I should share the end results with you but I'm going to wait a minute.
You see, as I've had a little while to reflect...there's a message that I needed to hear today and I think it's a message you might need to hear. We don't have to feel brave all the time. I know what my circumstances are and I know I always think I should feel brave. I have people say you are so brave. And I say no I am not....if you only knew. Here's what I heard today: You may not feel brave but you are courageous. Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is standing strong in spite of your fear. So although you may not feel brave you are courageous. Let me say that again, whatever your circumstance that is overwhelming you today...you do not have to feel brave. You are courageous because you are standing strong in the face of fear! We did NOT feel brave today! But we moved forward and did the next thing because we were standing strong in spite of our fear.
Now for the results of our day. We can rid ourselves of the "c" word. There is no "c" word right now. We can not be 100% certain what has caused the issues. However, we suspect it was a combination of gall bladder surgery, a different type cath tube, calcification at the end of the cath formed, when we tried to change it bleeding occurred because of blood thinners, and then because of blood thinners it took quite awhile for things to heal. I think that's the cumulation of what possibly happened. But we rejoice in that we can say no "c" word.
I would love to say we are floating on cloud nine. However, I think we all just feel blah. Stress has taken a huge effect. And now that the stress has been relieved I think we all just need to sleep for 4 days! But we can't do that! We have another big appointment tomorrow with the neurologist.
Don't forget...it's okay to not feel brave! Just stand strong in the middle of your fear!
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