Changes

Changes are inevitable.  I love the picture Chloe made for me several years ago.  If life never changed ...there would be no butterflies!

I used to be afraid of changes.  I always thought change was bad!  But if there is something I have learned over the past year and that is not to fear change!  Changes are going to happen.  They are simply a part of life.  Sometimes they happen quickly and sometimes they are a slow gradual change. And sometimes I simply don't like the changes.  They don't scare me but I don't like them.  What I do like though is through changes in life, I like to look for how God has worked and is working in that change process.

As many of you have followed the journey of my family over the past year, it has been nothing but a year of changes!  Many of them heartbreaking!  And today marked a big change in our lives again.

I have loved my job!  I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that God gave me that job!   I loved teaching online.  I loved the opportunities God gave me to pour into the families of the students I had in my class.  I loved helping children that would come to me barely reading and writing and leave fluent readers and writers!  Work was also an escape for me.  When I got really stressed, I would go engross myself in my work for awhile and not think about things going on!

But with everything that went on last year, I missed numerous weeks of work.  When Zine was in the hospital the last time in May, it was decided that I wouldn't go back last year.  I was going to go back on the last day of school to say bye to my students.  During those last couple of weeks, I began to realize how much stress work added to me.  When I say I didn't eat because I didn't have time, that was no exaggeration!   I literally went from teaching to a doctors appoint or a therapy appointment literally almost everyday.  And it would soon be dinner and I hadn't put a thing to eat in my mouth.  Stress was a large culprit for my not eating as well.   And during those last weeks of being off, I realized how my job was playing a role in my poor health.  Also over those last few weeks, I begin to feel God say it was time to come home.  Now, I couldn't imagine giving it up.  I needed my job.  I needed my paycheck.  My husband is on disability.  I desperately needed my paycheck or so I thought!  And I needed my escape.

But I begin to pray about whether I signed another contract for this year.  I'm sure my boss was saying the same prayers!!!  Give me wisdom Lord!  Give me faith!  Help me not make a mistake!  The night before my contract was due which happened to be the last day of school, I was up ALL night praying and wrestling with the decision.  I begin my last day of school asking God to clarify for me what His will was.  And before lunch, God had spoken!  Not audibly but there could have been no other explanation!

About halfway into my class, the home health nurse shows up.  She needs some supplies that I had.  So while still teaching I'm getting supplies for her.  And then she runs into problems.  She needs more help.  And then we need more help because she is sending Zine to the ER.  I literally let my class out early so I could get him to the ER.  It was indeed an emergency.  He had a regular cath and his permanent cath and neither was giving any output.  So we had quite the scare and adventure.  And to this day, no one can really explain what happened and why.  But...it's not happened again.  And in the words of Zine...so all this is your fault!  You asked God to tell you what to do and He did!  And that is exactly how I felt.  God said on the day my contract was due, nope Karen, you are to be caretaker of your family!  And from the ER, I called my boss and said, I'm sorry I'm not signing my contract.  I will admit there were tears on both ends of that phone call!

Talk about a leap of faith.   An identity change for me.  A financial change for my family.  And a second grade teacher that had to be hired at the last minute!  Wow!

I am so grateful for that experience because I have been able to go back to it several times and remind myself that God spoke!  The day I mailed my school books to a new teacher, I sobbed for a couple of hours!  The poor lady in Mailstop will probably always remember me!  But I had an experience to remind myself that no matter how hard it was to mail half of my life away, I was walking in obedience.   Today was the first day of school for FPA.  I was supposed to start a new school year with new students and have a fun day!  That's what I was supposed to be doing today and I'm not.  Feeling quite a bit sad today!  But once again, even in that sadness, I can go back and remember God spoke and I'm walking in obedience.

As far as finances, we are still working on that!  We will get it all figured out and I have no doubt that God will provide and we will make it because I know I am walking in obedience.  I am much healthier than I was.  Nope, I've not gained much weight, but I am healthier.  I do eat some!  My heart is functioning much much better!

And what a sweet gift that God has given me today amidst the sadness of saying goodbye to a season in my life.  I had the blessing of spending this morning with Krisann at Classical Conversations.  Krisann is going to blossom I know.  She has that mommy security that she has so desperately needed.  It is time together for the two of us.  And, not working is letting me give Krisann those fun learning moments.  Unfortunately, while I was working I think she got the boring work and not much fun.  Some of the things we have done already this year...

Biome Polaroids!  This was Krisann's idea.  And she and I had the best time learning and making polaroid pictures!

And we also got a little bit more creative with our rainforest shoe box.

Our most recent project was talking about feudalism.  And it was very quickly that Krisann says this is not fair!  Our king pony has more candy than the other ponies!

Changes are inevitable.  Some are welcome.  Some are not welcome.  But even in those unwelcome changes, if we look for God at work, we will find Him.  Yes, I'm pretty sad today!  But...I've been blessed today to see God at work in our lives!  

And butterflies are beautiful!  Whether they are real, drawn, or made from recycled materials....they are all beautiful!

And the same is true about each of us...whether we are a mom, a homeschool mom, a teacher, a wife, a volunteer, doesn't matter.  And whether we are a dad, a working dad, a dad with a disability doesn't matter.  Each is beautiful.  And God wants us to be beautiful wherever we find ourselves!  And I'm working on finding the beauty in homeschooling Krisann and being a wife and mommy.  I'm finding beauty in being a healthier me!  And I'm finding beauty in trusting God and walking in obedience.  Zine's working on finding beauty in being at home.  Zine's working on finding beauty of not being a working dad.  And Zine is working on the beauty of being a dad with a disability.  Hoping that he will write a blog post soon on his journey of trying to find beauty along the way!

Nope, we're not perfect.  We've not arrived at the most gorgeous places yet!  But we must make choices to look for beauty along the way!