MS is horrid disease. The physical symptoms are troublesome at minimum. The emotional is extreme. I receive a great deal of comfort and support from my dear wife, but sometimes all the support in the world can't overcome the humiliation of some of the symptoms. I don't know how to express the experience, emotion, and shame that happens due to the symptoms that manifest. I know that there is nothing I can do to prevent the symptoms and there is nothing that I've done to cause them, but humiliation still arrives. That is an emotional downer for everyone I have a close relationship with, i.e. my family.
How do I get through this emotional nightmare without placing blame on myself? I can intelectualize the truth, but the connection of 18" to my heart is quite difficult. I hear no condemnation nor ridicule from the ones I love, even in the midst of their work to correct the results of the manifestation of MS symptoms, but I sit here condemning myself. Love and service is hard to receive when it is the result of the disease that I have taken ownership of. Thus they are not shown love and thanks in return that they should. I'm too busy blaming myself, and feeling humiliation.
I need to listen to the Truth rather than the liar. Sadly the liar has my attention quite often. This is a battle of the spirit that needs to be fought, and fought, and fought again until the battle is complete. Often though I don't think I fight, I surrender and wrap the lie of condemnation and worthlessness around me.
Lies, lies, everywhere lies. MS sucks.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Lessons from the Snow
A rarity in Alabama...snow!! Not just a dusting of snow! More like 8 inches of snow. And guess what...my Facebook feed, my Instagram feed, and my Twitter has snow picture explosion. Don't get me wrong, I've posted some of them myself!!
I've aided in the explosion. However, as I've done something as fun and sweet as to look at everyone's pictures, it has simply stirred my heart! Actually, the more I've looked at them the more frustrated and down right mad I've become! What should be fun is not so fun!
Cute little couple pictures in the beautiful snow background. Nope...not happening either. And it has just plain made me mad!!
I've aided in the explosion. However, as I've done something as fun and sweet as to look at everyone's pictures, it has simply stirred my heart! Actually, the more I've looked at them the more frustrated and down right mad I've become! What should be fun is not so fun!
I want to play in the snow but I want to do it as a family! Yet...one more thing...that is impossible for Zine. And to be honest, it is making me mad!
Pictures of families playing in the streets. Why, if we did manage to get Zine outside in his wheelchair, we would never get him back up the driveway so he'd be awfully cold outside tonight! That would be a video for Americas Funniest Videos as Conner and I worked toward the impossible.
Pictures of kids and their daddies building snowmen. Another experience that Krisann will never know. Heart broken for her tonight despite the fact she has truly been a wild grumpy girl today. A family picture gathered around a snowman! Nope...not happening.
Cute little couple pictures in the beautiful snow background. Nope...not happening either. And it has just plain made me mad!!
Tonight, I hate MS! I hate the many things it has stolen from our family. I hate the many experiences it has taken away from Zine! I hate MS! However, in the middle of my temper tantrum, God has given me some beautiful lessons that I have to be thankful for!
1. Doing the hard things count! It counts that despite the fact I'm mad about Zine having MS and him not being able to build snowmen with our family...I did the hard thing...I went outside with our children and built a snowman while Zine sat in the house alone! Heart broken...Yes. Hard thing...Yes. But I'm so grateful that God has always given me the stamina and the energy to do the hard thing! The hard things often make lasting differences in the lives of my children!
2. God always sends the right people at the right time. Our driveway doesn't get a lot of sun. So therefore the snow can be melted everywhere but my driveway. Our driveway is also a pretty significant incline. So if there's the least little bit of snow on it...you might get down, but you won't get up! So...this afternoon Conner and I head out to try to get a good bit of the snow off! And he and I had scooped about two shovels when our neighbor, who just happened to be outside, came right over! What would have taken Conner and I a solid hour, he did in like 5 minutes! And what I loved even more...he didn't ask if I wanted him to! He just did it...an even sweeter gift for me!
3. The right tools for a job are important. Conner and I don't have a snow shovel. So we were going at it with a regular shovel. Although it was getting the job done...it wasn't getting the job done quickly! I am thankful that my neighbor had a snow shovel and obviously he knew how to use it!! Thankful for the right tools not only for snow covered driveways, but also God will equip me with everything I need for the situation I find myself in. I'm getting me a snow shovel though! I'm not going to forget! Amazon is about to deliver one right to my door!!
4. God can bring beauty in the middle of winter! The grass is brown, there are no leaves on the trees. Its been a pretty dry and barren yard! But when God showered it with snow, it became the most beautiful piece of artwork! God can do the same thing in my life. In the barren places, He can breathe new life! So thankful!!
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1. Doing the hard things count! It counts that despite the fact I'm mad about Zine having MS and him not being able to build snowmen with our family...I did the hard thing...I went outside with our children and built a snowman while Zine sat in the house alone! Heart broken...Yes. Hard thing...Yes. But I'm so grateful that God has always given me the stamina and the energy to do the hard thing! The hard things often make lasting differences in the lives of my children!
2. God always sends the right people at the right time. Our driveway doesn't get a lot of sun. So therefore the snow can be melted everywhere but my driveway. Our driveway is also a pretty significant incline. So if there's the least little bit of snow on it...you might get down, but you won't get up! So...this afternoon Conner and I head out to try to get a good bit of the snow off! And he and I had scooped about two shovels when our neighbor, who just happened to be outside, came right over! What would have taken Conner and I a solid hour, he did in like 5 minutes! And what I loved even more...he didn't ask if I wanted him to! He just did it...an even sweeter gift for me!
3. The right tools for a job are important. Conner and I don't have a snow shovel. So we were going at it with a regular shovel. Although it was getting the job done...it wasn't getting the job done quickly! I am thankful that my neighbor had a snow shovel and obviously he knew how to use it!! Thankful for the right tools not only for snow covered driveways, but also God will equip me with everything I need for the situation I find myself in. I'm getting me a snow shovel though! I'm not going to forget! Amazon is about to deliver one right to my door!!
4. God can bring beauty in the middle of winter! The grass is brown, there are no leaves on the trees. Its been a pretty dry and barren yard! But when God showered it with snow, it became the most beautiful piece of artwork! God can do the same thing in my life. In the barren places, He can breathe new life! So thankful!!
Monday, February 23, 2015
The Short Bus
Several years ago, Zine and I came up with this phrase, we ride the short bus. Was not meant in a condemning way at all! But when we had worked and worked in counseling to apply principles but failed, we said we rode the short bus. For those of you have children with handicaps, you understand this thought process. Those special children rarely ride on a large bus. They typically have a "special" bus that they ride on! Or at least they did years ago when we did the special education department with our daughter. It is a shorter bus that is accessible for wheelchairs and other special needs. It definitely carries fewer children as well. So when you ride the short bus, children can get the mentality that they are not as smart as others, or they are slower than other children. So for us, when we said we rode the short bus it literally meant....we were a bit slow on the learning curve! Unfortunately, the phrase has stuck! And unfortunately, we often are slow to learn whatever it is we find ourselves in the midst of.
A few months before our lives fell apart in November, I had become very unsettled in how I was handling things. I found myself very angry at everyone in my house most days. I found myself struggling in my faith. If I were a good Christian, then I would go through these circumstances with much confidence and much grace. I wouldn't struggle because everything was allowed in our lives by God and He was going to use those things for our good...so evidently I must have little faith. I struggled with my emotions. The emotions were running everywhere. I was struggling with my own health. I had just recovered from a female laprascopic surgery that wasn't nearly as easy to recover from as I was told. I was struggling with routine. Homeschool needed to start back, it was time for me to go back to work as well...and it was a huge struggle.
During that time, our pastor began a series and it felt like every week he preached on healing! I, in sort of a fun way, told him I was ready for him to find a new topic. To which I got this response in an email, "I would like to meet with you and Zine on Wednesday or Thursday at 4:00 pm. Please let me know if either of these dates will work in your schedule." BUSTED! Called to the principle's office! That's at least how I felt. After about 30 minutes of being in his office and trying to find a voice to speak, my heart began to spill. Why was my faith so weak? Why was I a disaster? That day our pastor had words for us but today I have no clue what those words are. These same conversations have continued for months now! We have had numerous opportunities for these conversations. I think he has said the same thing a gazillion different times in just a different way. I, on the other hand, have said the same thing in the exact same fashion over and over again. Why oh why do I feel so weak? Why oh why is my faith so shallow? Why oh why can I not just go through this life content? I definitely ride the short bus! I would hear the words and they would just not sink in!
But maybe...there's hope for those of us who ride the short bus. I'm beginning to grasp some truth of the situation. Yesterday our pastor was preaching out of Mark at the ending of the Parable of the Soils. The Kingdom of God is about transformation was what he centered his message on. The seed transformation initially takes place underground where there are no visible signs of transformation. But deep down transformation is happening. Then he went on to discuss the soil needed fertilizer. In my life, fertilizer is simply pressing into God. Waiting on God is the most difficult and most important thing I can do. Transformation will not happen without me pressing into God. And then he went on and said that the fruit is simple obedience. And simple obedience to Him gives life to others. What I took from his sermon...God sees where I am, my job is to press into Him, and transformation will come! Ahh, life is about transformation! And for the first time, I felt the struggle going on in my heart release a little yesterday. God sees where I am and my job is to press into Him and transformation will come. God sees where I am and my job is to press into Him and transformation will come. God sees where I am and my job is to press into Him and transformation will come!
Yes, I wrote that three times! Yes, I have said that to myself a hundred or more times today. And I said it at least one hundred times yesterday! The short bus I do ride, but sometimes I get a little understanding. I think I have finally grasped...I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. What I am viewing as lack of faith and weakness are exactly what could be defined as pressing in to God and waiting on transformation. If I walked through these difficult days without a struggle, my faith would not grow. If I walked through this life, not feeling emotions, I could never grow in my understanding of how much God loves me. If I walked through this life without ever asking questions such as why, then I would never have the opportunity to know God more deeply. If I walked through this life content, then I would never know the peace that passes all understanding!
I'm waiting on the transformation! I wish I knew why I had to wait so long!! Some days I'm tired of waiting! But my job is to remember, God sees where I am and my job is to press into Him and transformation will come! I am to be still and know that He is God! His plan is to prosper me and not to harm me but to give me a hope and a future. My prayer is that I could continue to carry this little bit of truth in my heart and remember to be still and know that He is God! He sees where I am and my job is to press into Him and transformation will come! Waiting on transformation...
A few months before our lives fell apart in November, I had become very unsettled in how I was handling things. I found myself very angry at everyone in my house most days. I found myself struggling in my faith. If I were a good Christian, then I would go through these circumstances with much confidence and much grace. I wouldn't struggle because everything was allowed in our lives by God and He was going to use those things for our good...so evidently I must have little faith. I struggled with my emotions. The emotions were running everywhere. I was struggling with my own health. I had just recovered from a female laprascopic surgery that wasn't nearly as easy to recover from as I was told. I was struggling with routine. Homeschool needed to start back, it was time for me to go back to work as well...and it was a huge struggle.
During that time, our pastor began a series and it felt like every week he preached on healing! I, in sort of a fun way, told him I was ready for him to find a new topic. To which I got this response in an email, "I would like to meet with you and Zine on Wednesday or Thursday at 4:00 pm. Please let me know if either of these dates will work in your schedule." BUSTED! Called to the principle's office! That's at least how I felt. After about 30 minutes of being in his office and trying to find a voice to speak, my heart began to spill. Why was my faith so weak? Why was I a disaster? That day our pastor had words for us but today I have no clue what those words are. These same conversations have continued for months now! We have had numerous opportunities for these conversations. I think he has said the same thing a gazillion different times in just a different way. I, on the other hand, have said the same thing in the exact same fashion over and over again. Why oh why do I feel so weak? Why oh why is my faith so shallow? Why oh why can I not just go through this life content? I definitely ride the short bus! I would hear the words and they would just not sink in!
But maybe...there's hope for those of us who ride the short bus. I'm beginning to grasp some truth of the situation. Yesterday our pastor was preaching out of Mark at the ending of the Parable of the Soils. The Kingdom of God is about transformation was what he centered his message on. The seed transformation initially takes place underground where there are no visible signs of transformation. But deep down transformation is happening. Then he went on to discuss the soil needed fertilizer. In my life, fertilizer is simply pressing into God. Waiting on God is the most difficult and most important thing I can do. Transformation will not happen without me pressing into God. And then he went on and said that the fruit is simple obedience. And simple obedience to Him gives life to others. What I took from his sermon...God sees where I am, my job is to press into Him, and transformation will come! Ahh, life is about transformation! And for the first time, I felt the struggle going on in my heart release a little yesterday. God sees where I am and my job is to press into Him and transformation will come. God sees where I am and my job is to press into Him and transformation will come. God sees where I am and my job is to press into Him and transformation will come!
Yes, I wrote that three times! Yes, I have said that to myself a hundred or more times today. And I said it at least one hundred times yesterday! The short bus I do ride, but sometimes I get a little understanding. I think I have finally grasped...I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. What I am viewing as lack of faith and weakness are exactly what could be defined as pressing in to God and waiting on transformation. If I walked through these difficult days without a struggle, my faith would not grow. If I walked through this life, not feeling emotions, I could never grow in my understanding of how much God loves me. If I walked through this life without ever asking questions such as why, then I would never have the opportunity to know God more deeply. If I walked through this life content, then I would never know the peace that passes all understanding!
I'm waiting on the transformation! I wish I knew why I had to wait so long!! Some days I'm tired of waiting! But my job is to remember, God sees where I am and my job is to press into Him and transformation will come! I am to be still and know that He is God! His plan is to prosper me and not to harm me but to give me a hope and a future. My prayer is that I could continue to carry this little bit of truth in my heart and remember to be still and know that He is God! He sees where I am and my job is to press into Him and transformation will come! Waiting on transformation...
Friday, February 20, 2015
Stress Effects
Stress can affect our bodies in many different ways. I think each person responds differently to stress. I thought with this post I would share some of the stress effects in our family. For Krisann, she is way too young to understand what it means to be stressed but she has definitely added that word to her vocabulary and used it appropriately! I think for her the stress manifests as grumpiness, disobedience, and a need to be with me!! Oh how exhausting that can be at times!
When Chloe is stressed, she can have a multitude of responses. She can just shut down...go to bed and not arise for a long time. She can be very snippy. She experiences outbursts of tears sometimes. Chloe can even become physically ill as a result of stress. And she doesn't eat when she's stressed and when we have to closely watch her weight anyway...that's a side effect we don't like.
Conner tries to stuff stress! It works well for awhile. And then he becomes very agitated and easily frustrated. Stress changes his attitude and his tone. However, he seems to be the one who seems to handle stress better than everyone else. But as mom, I'm convinced that he will have to have long term counseling as an adult for not dealing with stress now! But then I remind myself that maybe God is just at work in his life.
Zine is like Chloe...stress takes its toll in many ways. Stress causes grumpiness. Stress can cause him to shut down and sleep all the time. Stress can affect his stomach. Stress can cause him to be teary eyed. Stress can cause his depression to be worse. Stress can cause conflict in our marriage!
For me, I carry stress from my shoulders up. Stress causes muscle pains and headaches! Stress can evoke anxiety and panic in me. Stress causes my gray hair to flourish!! Stress makes me suffer with insomnia. Stress causes me to be grumpy and not a nice wife and mama at times.
So...how do we combat stress??
For some of us, exercise is a great stress reducer. For others, diving into an art project helps us deal with our stress in healthier ways. For all of us, to have some alone time away from home and family and allow some others to love and pour into us helps us diminsh our stress levels. For the youngest, consistency and routine helps her stress. For my children to have alone time with each of us as parents helps them as well. Essential oils, massages, and chiropractor visits are sometimes a recipe for stress reduction. We are not afraid to say that anti depressants and anxiety meds are quite commonplace around here as well. But above all these, the best way to battle stress is to turn our attention and focus to God. Hebrews 4:16 says let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our times of need. When our circumstances are unmanageable, we desperately try to turn our thoughts to Him and ask for His intervention.
For a long time I struggled with feeling desperate. Surely good Christians do not become desperate!! I have come to understand this is a lie Satan loves for me to believe. As, I have studied more scripture, that is exactly what God desires. It is when I come to Him desperately needing intervention, that He can do a mighty work. Four friends were desperate enough to cut a hole in a roof. A woman with a blood issue was desperate enough to come out of hiding just to try to touch Jesus cloak. Blind Bartimaeus sitting on the roadside to Jericho was desperate enough to yell and continue to yell for Christ despite the many who told him to be quiet. Hannah was desperate enough in her pleas before the Lord that the priest accused her of being drunk! What happened when these people became desperate...God showed up and did a mighty work! God wants to do mighty things in our desperate hearts!
If only I can have victory over the lie that so entangles my mind and heart. A desperate heart does not make me weak! A desperate heart doesn't rob me of my Christianity! A desperate heart does not make me a bad person. A desperate heart opens a door for God to do something mighty. A desperate heart allows my faith to grow. A desperate heart molds me into who God wants me to be.
A desperate heart is sure to have some affect on those stress effects.
Monday, February 16, 2015
Chemo to Nadir (low point)
With chemo, it initially makes you very sick. This time chemo was a bit more difficult! A bit more nauseous. Took some extra meds to control it. But it worked! It seems to take about a full 72 hours before Zine starts rebounding. And then he seems just fine! One would like to think that recovery is done until next time. But no...it just likes to make you think you are good. It's like it plays tricks in your mind!
So we have now entered the I feel better stage! But we know this stage only lasts for a few days. Praise the Lord his head is bald! I do not think I could ever go through that experience again! And those blood counts are dropping. By this weekend they will be at their low point, from our information it appears that low point is referred to as nadir. His blood counts can remain at their lowest points for several many days before they begin their ever so slow climb back to "normal". So for a few days this week Zine will feel better and then...it gets difficult again. Weakness and fatigue will plague him. Last time, he was cold all the time and his body temp was very low. And we know that his blood counts started out in a low range this time so this blood count drop could be lower than last time. So..what does that mean? More tired?? More fatigued? Not sure what to expect. We will walk through this and learn. Colder? Well, when it's predicted to be a low of 0 to 8...I am definitely expecting him to be much colder!!! It just may have nothing to do with chemo!! :o) I am thankful for moments when I can smile!
We are thankful for a few days of feeling better! The calm before the storm!
So we have now entered the I feel better stage! But we know this stage only lasts for a few days. Praise the Lord his head is bald! I do not think I could ever go through that experience again! And those blood counts are dropping. By this weekend they will be at their low point, from our information it appears that low point is referred to as nadir. His blood counts can remain at their lowest points for several many days before they begin their ever so slow climb back to "normal". So for a few days this week Zine will feel better and then...it gets difficult again. Weakness and fatigue will plague him. Last time, he was cold all the time and his body temp was very low. And we know that his blood counts started out in a low range this time so this blood count drop could be lower than last time. So..what does that mean? More tired?? More fatigued? Not sure what to expect. We will walk through this and learn. Colder? Well, when it's predicted to be a low of 0 to 8...I am definitely expecting him to be much colder!!! It just may have nothing to do with chemo!! :o) I am thankful for moments when I can smile!
We are thankful for a few days of feeling better! The calm before the storm!
Sunday, February 15, 2015
We Will Not Be Shaken
Music speaks to my heart more than most sermons! And through the last several months there are many songs that have brought me to tears! There are many songs that God is using in my life to teach me more about Him. I'll be sharing more about that in posts to come! But there is a song that has been the hope that I have claimed. Some days I listen to this song over and over in a day... We Will Not be Shaken.
"Though the battle rages, we will stand in the fight. Though the armies rise up against us on all sides...we will not be shaken. For in the hour of our darkest day, we won't be afraid. Hope is rising like the light of dawn, Our God is for us He has overcome! For we trust in our God, through His unfailing love, we will not be shaken."
I FEEL like my entire word has been shaken up and turned upside down and spilled out everywhere! It feels like a big mess! No...a gigantic mess! But in those times when it feels like my heart is breaking, I will listen to this song! What I am reminded of is that my foundation is in Jesus Christ! I know that! And I'm so thankful that I have complete assurance that I know Jesus as Lord! I have a personal relationship with Him. I haven't doubted that fact since I was 14 years old!! And when my foundation is with Jesus, I will stand firm. Yes, it will feel like I have been shaken! But in the middle of feeling all shaken and spilled out, my job is to trust God! His love will never fail me! He is for me!! Really, He is for me? That's where I've had to camp out and talk to God about this for awhile now. I still talk to Him about it.
My conversations sound something like this...God if you are really for me...you would not be allowing these struggles!
And God says, if you didn't have these struggles, I couldn't overcome them for you! Trust Me, Karen.
I respond: I do trust you God but...then I come up with an entire list of contingencies for when I will and will not trust Him.
--God I trust you but I'm afraid if we seek to publicly have people pray for healing in Zine and he's not healed, then I'm afraid my faith isn't strong enough. I don't want to put myself in a place where if you didn't heal that I would be bitter!
--God I trust you but you don't understand the pain it is causing my entire family or else you wouldn't allow this.
--God I trust you but I'm going to hold my heart back because it feels hurt by you.
--God I trust you but my faith is shaken to its very core.
--God I trust you, but if we're going through this just so other people can see our faith and be inspired..it's not worth it God.
--God I trust you, but you obviously don't see what this disease is doing to my family!
--God I trust you, but...the list goes on.
God simply says, trust me Karen. No buts. Just trust me. In your darkest hour, trust me...don't be afraid. I am fighting for you! So...I spend many hours listening to this song and praying God help me trust you! I can't see what you are doing. It doesn't feel right and it definitely doesn't make me my heart leap with joy! But help me trust you during this time.
Some days...I do this well. Other days...I do this terribly! Some moments...I do this well. Other moments...I do this terribly. But life is all about learning to trust God daily, to trust God each moment. I shall definitely NOT be perfect! So...my goal is when I am in those moments when I can't breathe and I feel shaken and spilled out, to come to this song and let it be a reminder to me that I will not be shaken if I trust in Him! He is for me! Help me not be afraid, Jesus. Give me hope, Father! Help me stand in the fight and not give up! Help me step back and let you fight for me! Help me trust you with no buts!
"Though the battle rages, we will stand in the fight. Though the armies rise up against us on all sides...we will not be shaken. For in the hour of our darkest day, we won't be afraid. Hope is rising like the light of dawn, Our God is for us He has overcome! For we trust in our God, through His unfailing love, we will not be shaken."
I FEEL like my entire word has been shaken up and turned upside down and spilled out everywhere! It feels like a big mess! No...a gigantic mess! But in those times when it feels like my heart is breaking, I will listen to this song! What I am reminded of is that my foundation is in Jesus Christ! I know that! And I'm so thankful that I have complete assurance that I know Jesus as Lord! I have a personal relationship with Him. I haven't doubted that fact since I was 14 years old!! And when my foundation is with Jesus, I will stand firm. Yes, it will feel like I have been shaken! But in the middle of feeling all shaken and spilled out, my job is to trust God! His love will never fail me! He is for me!! Really, He is for me? That's where I've had to camp out and talk to God about this for awhile now. I still talk to Him about it.
My conversations sound something like this...God if you are really for me...you would not be allowing these struggles!
And God says, if you didn't have these struggles, I couldn't overcome them for you! Trust Me, Karen.
I respond: I do trust you God but...then I come up with an entire list of contingencies for when I will and will not trust Him.
--God I trust you but I'm afraid if we seek to publicly have people pray for healing in Zine and he's not healed, then I'm afraid my faith isn't strong enough. I don't want to put myself in a place where if you didn't heal that I would be bitter!
--God I trust you but you don't understand the pain it is causing my entire family or else you wouldn't allow this.
--God I trust you but I'm going to hold my heart back because it feels hurt by you.
--God I trust you but my faith is shaken to its very core.
--God I trust you, but if we're going through this just so other people can see our faith and be inspired..it's not worth it God.
--God I trust you, but you obviously don't see what this disease is doing to my family!
--God I trust you, but...the list goes on.
God simply says, trust me Karen. No buts. Just trust me. In your darkest hour, trust me...don't be afraid. I am fighting for you! So...I spend many hours listening to this song and praying God help me trust you! I can't see what you are doing. It doesn't feel right and it definitely doesn't make me my heart leap with joy! But help me trust you during this time.
Some days...I do this well. Other days...I do this terribly! Some moments...I do this well. Other moments...I do this terribly. But life is all about learning to trust God daily, to trust God each moment. I shall definitely NOT be perfect! So...my goal is when I am in those moments when I can't breathe and I feel shaken and spilled out, to come to this song and let it be a reminder to me that I will not be shaken if I trust in Him! He is for me! Help me not be afraid, Jesus. Give me hope, Father! Help me stand in the fight and not give up! Help me step back and let you fight for me! Help me trust you with no buts!
Friday, February 13, 2015
Valentines Void
Valentines Day is tomorrow...the happy day where you give roses and gifts to your loved ones. You go out to eat with your spouse or you have a special meal at home together. My oh my, on this special day romantic couples most definitely have sex. Did I just say that word on my blog? Yep, I did!!
I used to love this holiday! Zine and I rarely went out on Valentines Day but we did celebrate it at home and in other ways. And Zine always bought me flowers or a gift. Sex...well I just won't embarrass you to tell you all about that! At least not now! I do have some fun stories though! I remember lots of fun Valentines Day together, when doing things was easier.
But today...I made myself go through the emotions of planning something fun for the family! The Melting Pot right here. I made cheese fondue, broth and cooked my meat just like at The Melting Pot and Chocolate Caramel Fondue. I envisioned it being a sweet special event but instead it felt more like a regular meal. And oh wait, don't forget in the middle of the meal it's time for medicine to keep Zine from becoming incredibly sick. But...there is something to be said for going through the routine right?
There are no Valentines presents, no Valentines flowers this year. Definitely no sex!! Just a constant reminder of where we are in life!
But on the flip side, I am so blessed to get to be Zine's wife! I'm soooo glad I get to do that and not someone else! Despite the heartache going on now, I would not trade my role as his wife for anything! So as the Valentines void fills my heart, I try to remember that I am so blessed to be able to be his wife! There is no one who is good enough or smart enough or loving enough to be Zine's wife! Only me! Not that I'm good or smart or loving all the time!! But, I'm glad it's me and it's one area of my life that I am confident in...my love for Zine is strong!!
I love you Zine Brooks Smith!! And I'm beyond blessed and extremely grateful to walk this road of life with you! Even with the heartache...I'm still glad I get to be with you!
I used to love this holiday! Zine and I rarely went out on Valentines Day but we did celebrate it at home and in other ways. And Zine always bought me flowers or a gift. Sex...well I just won't embarrass you to tell you all about that! At least not now! I do have some fun stories though! I remember lots of fun Valentines Day together, when doing things was easier.
But today...I made myself go through the emotions of planning something fun for the family! The Melting Pot right here. I made cheese fondue, broth and cooked my meat just like at The Melting Pot and Chocolate Caramel Fondue. I envisioned it being a sweet special event but instead it felt more like a regular meal. And oh wait, don't forget in the middle of the meal it's time for medicine to keep Zine from becoming incredibly sick. But...there is something to be said for going through the routine right?
There are no Valentines presents, no Valentines flowers this year. Definitely no sex!! Just a constant reminder of where we are in life!
But on the flip side, I am so blessed to get to be Zine's wife! I'm soooo glad I get to do that and not someone else! Despite the heartache going on now, I would not trade my role as his wife for anything! So as the Valentines void fills my heart, I try to remember that I am so blessed to be able to be his wife! There is no one who is good enough or smart enough or loving enough to be Zine's wife! Only me! Not that I'm good or smart or loving all the time!! But, I'm glad it's me and it's one area of my life that I am confident in...my love for Zine is strong!!
I love you Zine Brooks Smith!! And I'm beyond blessed and extremely grateful to walk this road of life with you! Even with the heartache...I'm still glad I get to be with you!
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