Disqualified...Really?

I have always had the blessing of being able to give and pour into others.  One of the ways, God has blessed me to do that is that I love to listen to my friends and then give them out of the box advice!  I'm always thinking outside the box for them.  Sometimes, I have to catch myself and make myself backtrack so that I can offer them some comfort before I start thinking outside the box for solutions!  I have had the opportunity to bear a lot of other people's burdens alongside them!  So...keeping this mind...when overwhelming struggles hit my life...my friends and family were so sweet.  They wanted to do anything possible to relieve some of my heartache!  But you know what else happened...it seems that since we were going through struggles of our own, I became disqualified to listen, care, and think outside the box!  Now...I know this all happened out of love for me!  But really?  Disqualified??

I have one friend that just about two weeks ago for the first time shared intimately with me!  And then you know what she immediately did...APOLOGIZE!  I'm so sorry I shouldn't even be telling you this.  You have enough to deal with without listening to my woes!  If I had a nickel for everytime someone said...well, my struggles are nothing compared to what you are dealing with...I might could pay off my Uncle Sam bill and have some left over!  Even my own dad spent six hours in an emergency room and kept my mom with him but didn't call me nor anyone else until he was on his way home.  When I asked why he didn't call me, he said you've got enough problems without me adding to.  My sweet hubby even does his very best to not weigh me down with his struggles as I have enough to deal with he says!     Uughhhh!  That's a nice word for how all that makes me feel!

If I were sitting in a counseling session I would say it has made me feel exceptionally alone.  No phone calls from friends hardly.  There's nothing of importance to talk about now.  Even my own family communication has changed.  It has made me feel quite inadequate and not needed.  And to cope with these hurts and struggles, I have put up some very big fortress walls around my heart.  When I feel alone, inadequate, and not needed that seems to be my coping mechanism...castle walls!  Nice big sturdy ones at that! And for most everyone, they ask how are you doing and I say ok.  End of discussion.  But tonight someone asked the same question, I responded the same way, but then they said are you really?  And I felt tears rise to the surface!  But no, take a deep breath and swallow.  Then change the subject!  But the truth remains... Even in the quiet moments between chemo treatments, even in the middle of a friendly brave face, there is still a struggle.  A much different kind of struggle though!

I have been left struggling through questions like God how are you going to use me now??  I know I have some struggles of my own, but God does that disqualify me?  God will you ever take me back to that place of long conversations and sharing life with others?  God will I ever take my family to Honduras or China or Africa?  Probably not.  But God, what are you going to do with our family to make us beautiful servants?

I'm not angry at friends and family.    I'm not angry at God.  (Right now anyway).  I'm actually quite desperate for Him.  I want His comfort and assurance that I'm not disqualified.   I desire Him to give me a glimpse of how I will be able to serve Him even in the midst of fiery trials.  I do recognize my limitations but there's got to be a way to still serve Him.  He has a plan.  And I'm counting on the hope that my dents are simply to keep me desperate for Him...not disqualified for serving Him. And I will continue to wait with eager expectation in what beauty God is going to bring from these ashes in our lives and how that beauty is going to be used in His kingdom work. 

Kingdom Friends

As I look back over the past four months I find it very interesting how God Himself works in your life and how He uses people to do His work in your life as well.

When trials come, you think you know who your friends are.  And I know when my life fell apart, I thought I knew who was going to be there for me.  But then as I barely managed to function for a few days, the ones I thought would be there were silent for the first day or two.  At first, it was very easy to take offense.  Why haven't they come?  Why haven't they called?  As I thought and thought about this, God made it very clear that they were so hurt with us and for us that they literally had no clue what to say.  You see, they only had tears for us!  And as they began to put their emotions together and talk with us, it became so clear we were not forgotten but rather we were loved and cherished!  And those that were closest to us were so broken for us!  I wonder if this is part of what was going on when Jesus didn't come immediately to see Mary and Martha after Lazarus had died.  Maybe Jesus was so broken because Mary and Martha was so broken!  But Jesus knew what He was going to do but that didn't keep Him from being broken for Mary and Martha!  In our situation, what God did was in those first couple of days, He sent some people that we would not have considered our very best friends to minister to us!  And they did that well!  A sweet friend from church immediately began to plan meals.  A lengthy phone call where someone just prayed over the phone and brought calmness.  A visit from an elder and his wife who just loved us and prayed with us.  God definitely was at work in our lives through His people!

Some times, people come into your life for a season.  I struggle with being bitter when they are there for a season and then they are gone! I often feel like I share my life and heart with them and they are not good stewards of that!  But what God is teaching me, is that He puts the right people in your life at just the right time.  Those people are there for a season and that's His purpose!  Maybe their season was when I spent a lot of times in a hospital and they were called to be with Zine and I.  Maybe their season was to get us through our messed up holidays.  Maybe their season was to take Chloe to get her allergy shot several weeks in a row.  God sends people for the right season! My human side still struggles with this but God has so plainly showed me this truth!  And I walk in confidence knowing that God will continue to send just the right people at the right time.

Others are our prayer partners.  They carry us before the Lord on regular basis.  They have no way to know how much of an impact their prayers have in our daily lives.   But I can testify that often these prayer partners, whether "virutal" or "local", send notes, emails, facebook messages...and there are no words to say how often the timing of those notes or messages meet a need in our lives.  Just two weeks ago, it was a rough day.  And in the mail, was nothing but a simple card!  But it meant the world to me!  Several weeks ago, as I was leaving church, a friend who is always the one who is happy and keeps everyone upbeat hugged me and said I'm not good with words in circumstances like this but I care about you and pray for you all the time.  Can I say, how much that ministered to my heart?  So...even if you consider yourself a prayer warrior, your  messages and prayers, God orchestrates them to enter our lives at just the right time!

Then, there are those random act of kindness friends!  They are those who care deeply and hurt for us but simply put their lives do not allow them to be a constant support in our lives.  But they have loved well through monetary gifts, gift cards, house keepers, meal providers, surprise gifts left at our door, Christmas presents, and invitations to take us to dinner just to get us out of the house kind of friends!  Some of them have been known people to us such as a neighbor, a long time friend from out of state, a church member or a  Sunday School class.  Others have remained anonymous such as the secret Santa or the movie basket that was left on our porch!  But each of you have played a huge role in lifting our spirits and meeting needs in our lives!  I think I want to do more Random Acts of Kindness for others!!

Another group of people that God uses are the no shows.  Yes, God uses the no shows!  You know...those friends who you just knew were going to be your confidants in your life as you walk through difficult times, but then they run and hide!  They are no where to be found!  I'm so grateful that God has not sent a lot of these into my life!  However, it's not my job to judge those that don't show up!  I don't know their story.  Maybe our story brings back a hurtful experience from their past and it is simply too painful for them.  Maybe they are simply overwhelmed with their own life.  It's not my job to judge why those I think are going to walk with me are no shows.  My job is to learn from God, even in the no shows!  And allow God to freely use people to fulfill His purpose here on earth!

New friends emerge from difficult times!  Some of the people who have entered our lives are new friends.  They weren't close to us in the past.  But God has gifted them with a heart or a service that He has used to meet needs and minister to us.  And they are well on their way to becoming what I call an "all in" friend.  I'm grateful for new friends!

An "all in" friend...they are "all in" to encouraging, giving, supporting, loving, listening, calming, etc.  And not only are they all in, they are all in for the long haul!  They will be here in 10 years.  They will be here tomorrow.  Not everyone can be an "all in" friend.  God has selected certain people to be the "all in" friends.  And personally, I think I feel sorry for my "all in" friends!!  But I'm so grateful for my "all in" friends.

God's plan is to use people to fulfill His purpose in our lives.  He uses each person individually and uniquely.  My goodness, I wouldn't want eight bowls of spaghetti to show up on the same night!  So why would I want God to use people all in the same way??  I'm so thankful that I have people surrounding my life who are obedient to God and responds to His prompting!  I'm so thankful that God is teaching me about how He chooses to use people to accomplish His purpose.  And I'm so glad that I'm learning so much about how to love others well.  And I'm learning that I don't have to be the "all in" friend to everyone.  I might be the random act of kindness friend!  That's still part of God's purpose.  And I think that God wants us to continually to be looking beyond ourselves.  He wants us involved in the life of others.  I'm so grateful that even in my chaos, God has allowed us to see beyond ourselves and provided ways we can meet needs in others lives in the middle of our chaos!

Where are you?  Are you self focused?  Or are you allowing God to prompt your heart and are you being obedient to His prompting?  If so, then let me assure you, you are Kingdom Friends!

As a concluding remark, I struggled with this post because I'm afraid I might have hurt feelings or I might have friends that are going to be wondering where they fall in these categories.  My purpose of this was not to hurt feelings nor was my purpose to slam anyone for being a no show.  My purpose was to show that God uses people for His Kingdom purposes and He uses every one uniquely.  And He is about providing for each and every need.  He has the power to orchestrate the timing of a simple card or a simple text message to be part of His Kingdom plan.  And I want to urge us all to be Kingdom Friends!!  Listening and being obedient to God's prompting!  Moving beyond ourselves and learning to look at the needs of others!

Two weeks of chaos

Do you ever feel like when it rains it pours??  I've kinda felt that way the past two weeks.

--A week in Ohio doing medical stuff in a new place with new doctors alone.
--A 5 year old with  croup quickly followed by two ruptured ear drums.
--A husband whose MS decided to shut his body down.
--A day of doctors phone calls, blood work, trip to Cancer Center to have port flushed, and to the urologist to have cath changed.  Yep...all in one day!
--A broken heart at just watching my spouse suffer to no end.
--A marriage that has had its moments of struggling.
--A mom with Alzheimer's disease.
--A week with technology problems at work.
--A daughter starting new medicine and working to figure out how to reduce side effects.
--Another daughter who decides to be allergic to some medicine and develops horrible hives.
--A lot of phone calls and emails to follow up from trip to Ohio.
--A foot that hasn't healed as quickly as desired.
--A special prayer of healing and I was forgotten about in that process and missed being a part of that or even watching it happen which resulted in a lot of sadness when I should have been thankful and grateful.
--An overwhelmed feeling of being alone.

I'm sure I left things off that list!  No wonder I'm feeling tired, exhausted, and just plain depressed!

But in the middle of this chaos, God has sent blessings.
--A therapy dog to love and cuddle on the first night in a strange place.  We won't even mention the Ohio Buckeyes that came that night as well.
--A Ronald McDonald house right across the street from where we spent so much time.
--A mom and 14 year old daughter whom we had never met just happened to come see Chloe and I minutes after Chloe had emotionally broken down.
--Nice doctors and nurses.  Always worry when I meet new ones!
--Dinners provided on crazy days.
--A neurologist who cares deeply.
--Pediatricians who will see patients on Saturdays.  Two Saturdays in a row at that!
--Sweet friends who have cared for and loved my children.
--A free movie night.
--A friend who sends me messages and says I care about what you're going through.  And who listens even when I'm so mad and upset that I say not nice words!  A friend who speaks truth to me!  A friend who loves so well even from afar!
--Snow and Ice days that made recovering from chemo for my husband much easier!  In the weeks that his blood counts were the lowest, numerous days he was stuck at home.  Totally positive that helped in the recovery!
--A son who will chip ice away on the part of the driveway that gets no sun even after taking care of a sick 5 year old for a week!
--A daughter who will babysit so Zine and I can go watch our free movie!

And in the middle of this chaos, God has whispered secrets to get me through the days.
--Be strong and courageous.
--Do not be afraid.
--Nothing can separate you from My love.
--I have plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
--Trust Me!  Press into Me! Cling to me.
--I can calm the waves.  I can calm your heart.
--Stand firm!
--Let me bless you with My grace and My peace.
--Let not your heart be troubled.  Trust in Me.
--Come to Me with your heavy burden.
--My Strength is made perfect in your weakness.
--I am interceding for you when you don't even know what to say.
--I will never leave you alone!  I will be with you always!

I'm thankful for the whispers and the blessings.  And if there weren't the struggles I might have missed these blessings.

Now...for the fleshly human moment...some times...I think I'd rather get my blessings and whispers from somewhere else!  Waiting for that transformation day when I will be able to say thank you for the struggles.  But...I'm not there yet!  I am not thankful for those struggles.  But I am thankful that in the midst of them God is faithful.

Doing the Difficult, Revisited Because My Wife Asked Me To

I hate to write a separate entity for my take on this day. I don't even want to remember it.

I try to 'protect' Karen from the MS monster. In my attempts I have not allowed her into my world and have therefore rejected her love and her. If you read her last post concerning me falling in the floor and telling her to go back to bed in a very unkind matter, you'll know what I'm writing about.  What a bonehead. I love her and I would be deeply hurt if she continually rejected my support.

I want to fight this disease, and I really don't want this disease to impact her at all.  Not even a little bit.  That is me living in fairytale land rather than reality.  When I get back to reality I know that she is very effected by MS and I can't stop it.  By trying to keep her out, I just make matters worse by making her alone with a husband with MS.  The more I look at things from the outside, I can see this truth, but from the inside my logic seems so sound.  What horse manure!

I want and need Karen with me.  I love her and want to do nothing to hurt her.  I want to protect and defend her no matter the cost.  Through MS I'm learning that the cost I must pay to defend and protect her is to allow her to hurt with me and beside me if I truly want to love her.  I'm not a fast learner though

I am just now starting to get this and I am sure I will forget what I currently know, but this selfish action needs to end if I want to love my wife well.

Faith Walking

I count myself as a Bible-thumper. I believe every word in it. The Bible is God's revelation. My problem with His book has been and continues to be my walking in His truth. I don't understand every word and I don't want to 'step out of the crowd' when His word says to if I desire to receive His blessing. I came to a crossroads today of my desire to be in the crowd and His word / leading. I stepped out of the crowd.

I have had MS for ~7 years. I have had aggressive MS that no medical treatment has worked for. I have read the Bible cover to cover > 9 times. Thus one would think that I would have sought out the elders to pray for my healing, as the Scriptures say, years ago. No, I have not. I have liked the crowd and traditional church way. I haven't been desperate. Today the Spirit got my attention. I went before the church to have the elders pray for my healing. Way outside my S.O.P. (standard operating procedure).

So now you're wondering if I still have MS? At last walking attempt, I would say yes. What's up with that?! I don't know. When Jarius was told his daughter had died, Jesus told him to keep on believing. I am therefore going to keep on believing; keep on trying and keep on faith walking.

Doing the Difficult

This week has been most difficult.  Came home to an incredibly sick little one.  Nursed her for several days.  All the while, doing research and talking and emailing doctors in Ohio from whence I had just returned.  Then about the time Krisann felt better, Zines body decided it wasn't going to work.  Tuesday night he needed help to get up off sofa.  He then "laid down gracefully" in the floor that night after showering.  Those were his words not mine.  I would call it falling!   But if one must be all professional we will say he laid down gracefully.  After much trying he called for help.  Conner and I together was able to get him up.  There are no adequate words to say how hard it is to get someone out of the floor who can't move their legs!  It is really difficult.  But we are beginning to learn some tricks.  Finally, the bed was conquered.  Getting in and out of bed is near impossible task for him.  And Tuesday night it was impossible.

Wednesday morning at 5:45, Zine decided he wanted to start his day in the floor again!  I think we should call this laying down not so gracefully this time!  We won't mention that his wife had suggested he not get up at 5:45!  But in my nature, I'm always ready and willing to serve.  How was I supposed to know that my simple turning the lamp on and walking around the edge of the bed could have been so life changing??  I was met with a grumpy Gus because I turned the light on.  "Why did you turn the light on?"  "So I could see to help you get up."  "Well, turn the light off and go back to bed."  I know that my husband laying in the floor didn't just tell me turn the light off and go back to bed.  But oh yes, yes he did!  Now, I'm always willing to serve, but when you cop an attitude with me or you are disrespectful to me while I am doing such, I lose my servant spirit REALLY quick.  So...what I did do?  I did exactly that.  I turned around, turned the light off, and got back in bed.  Sleeping...well...that was NOT going to happen.  But I did exactly what grumpy Gus told me to do.

The next 30 minutes were some of the longest minutes in my life.  Most likely some of the most difficult minutes I have ever spent.  For 30 minutes, I listened to my husband in the floor, wallering around, sighing, grunting, doing everything within his power to get up out of the floor.  Yep, for some reason, sighing and grunting are supposed to help in the process.  For me to lie in bed and listen to the struggle and do nothing...heart wrenching and such a helpless feeling.  The outcome..two words...Mission Impossible!!  But I had decided that I would not say a word, I would not interject my two cents.  This was something that he needed to wrestle through.  Literally wrestle through!  My heart was broken.  My heart was broken because the man I love sooo much found himself in the floor.  My heart was broken because the man I love wouldn't allow me to serve Him with a willing spirit.  My heart was broken at the struggle that was going on inside of him.  My heart was broken at the thoughts that Satan puts in my brain when Zine refuses my help...you're not good enough to help, you're not important enough to help, you've not smart enough to help, you're not loved enough or else he would let you help him.  And I'm sure I can add more to that list.  My heart was broken!  Almost 48 hours has passed since that moment, and I'm still heartbroken. Think I might have to do a lot of revealing and receive a lot of care over this event in my life!!

I won't even begin to explain what was going on in Zine's heart and mind.  He'll have to do that for us sometime.  But I imagine it included some determination that this disease was not going to win quickly followed by a feeling of defeat.  Not to mention, I'm pretty sure he had to swallow a lot of pride.  30 minutes by the clock, I hear Zine say, "Karen if you're still willing I need some help."  So I got up, turned the lamp on and walked around the edge of the bed.  This time I encountered a much different person.  There was no complaining this time.  There was resignation.  Once again, need I remind you how absolutely difficult it is to get someone out of the floor who can't help very much??!!  So it took awhile but I was finally able, with his help, to get him up out of floor and into wheelchair.

This was doing the difficult!  Struggling through situations, giving it your all, swallowing pride, having to forgive enough that you are willing to help and serve once you've been wounded, working together to accomplish a task when your relationship is not healthy at the moment, but persevering through...doing the difficult.  Doing the difficult...seems to be what we are each called to everyday.  Stay the course...do the hard!  And in that process God's grace is sufficient!

You're difficult situation is different from mine!  But we all have them in our lives.  Just remember doing the difficult is hard, but God's grace is sufficient.

For this very serious post, I do have a funny picture.

Sometimes even dogs have to do the hard thing like boy dogs wearing pink costumes.  Our poor boy dog, has been glittered and had make up put on him more times than I care to count!  So doing the hard...it's not just for the human race!  :o)

Great Big Bear Hug

Have you ever wanted a great big bear hug?  I think part of the reason I married Zine was because he gives the best hugs!!  I used to tell him that all the time!  I need to work on telling him that more!!  Because despite MS, Zine can still hug me and bring a calmness like no one else can!  I sure do love that guy!!  And I sure do love his hugs!  

I  love this bear hug picture with the gigantic teddy bear and Chloe! It gives me a beautiful picture of being loved, cared for, and protected.  When Chloe was sitting here, those were some of the thoughts that came to my mind.  We are in a strange place and dealing with strange doctors and this place inside the arms of a gigantic teddy bear brought comfort, love, and protection.  Sounds a lot like what God does for us.  I'm wondering if I'm the only person here who has struggled with understanding God's love for us.  

If I'm not perfect, then God will not love me.  Surely no one else has bought that lie before.  But actually I bet you have because I have. I'm the good Christian girl.  I was raised in the church and other than a few rebellious moments, I was a good girl as well!  So if I have struggled with that concept I bet others have too.  Why in the world do we put such tough expectation upon ourselves?  The truth is God is love!  1 John 4:8 tells us that God is love! So why in the world if God is love would I question that He would not love me if I am not perfect. Romans 8:39 tells me that neither height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate me from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. God is love and I can never be separated from His love!  

But even with those truths, I still struggle with God loving me.  I thought I understood what love was!  When I birthed babies and raised children, I thought I got a better glimpse of what love looked like.  But when life fell apart, I think I came to realize I really didn't know what God loving me really looked like.   Or rather maybe I struggle to know how to allow God to love me.

God's used a crazy Santa in a parking lot to teach me a bit more about His love for me.  And now, He's used a gigantic teddybear to teach me even a bit more about His love for me.

If I could feel that same comfort, protection, care and love in the arms of Jesus who reaches down and gives me that great big bear hug,  that is represented here in this teddy bear... I think Jesus is there ready to do exactly that.  I'm still struggling to figure out how to accept.  Hmmmm....must be part of the transformation happening in my life!