A Difficult Five Year Anniversary

Five years ago, a neurologist delivered the news to us that Zine had MS.  And unfortunately, he most likely had Primary Progressive MS.  At the time, we just felt numb.  I remember sitting in Little Rosie's right after that news was delivered with our friends Rich and Lisa and just sitting.  There were no tears.  There was only numbness!  We definitely did NOT understand what we had in store for us. 

Five years ago, Zine didn't even need a cane.  He walked with a limp...that's all.  Five years ago, Zine didn't need a cath!  Five years ago, Zine didn't take chemo.  Five years ago, Zine was healthy and happy.  Five years ago, we were planning a family vacation.  Five years ago, our family was emotionally healthy and happy.  Five years ago, Zine had a full career ahead of him.  Five years ago, our lives were focused on loving and serving others. 

Today Zine needs a wheelchair to get around.  Today Zine has a permanent cath that has to be replaced monthly. (Not so permanent huh?)   Today Zine has taken numerous drugs and none of them have helped his MS at all including the current chemo.  Today a family vacation is like one of the most difficult things we can do!  Today the emotional toll that has wrecked our family is sometimes unbearable.  Many people in our home struggle with anxiety and depression today. Today, Zine is in an exceptionally stressful job situation knowing that his days to be able to work are limited.  Today our lives are focused so often on how others love and serve us.  So many changes!!  And they all seem so unfair!

Right now, I think being clueless five years ago was a definite blessing!  IF we had had goggles to see where we are today, we would say there was NO way we could do this!  But as I told someone earlier today, I am positive that there is a billboard somewhere that says God's grace and strength is sufficient for each and everyday.  And on that billboard you will find our pictures.  We are living testimonies that God's grace is sufficient.  We could have never done all that we have done without His grace and strength.

As we are waiting on a doctors appt in couple of weeks to determine our next course of action, in light of the fact, that chemo is not working...it is in someways a blessing to be clueless once again about what the next five years will bring.  We do have lots of questions, uncertainities and fears about the next five years.  But I'm pretty certain that if we were able to put goggles on and see the future we would be certain that we could not do what was in store for us.  And even as I wrestle with that very thought as I write this, I have to be reminded that God's strength and grace will be enough for each of those situations. Just as His strength and grace has been sufficient the past five years.

Never fear, I assure you we are not always beautiful around here in our thought patterns!  I think sometimes we write the best thoughts out there for you to read!  Someone said the other day, you seem to be so open on your blog!  I didn't have the heart to say how much I filtered and how many times I read and deleted before putting it out there!!  :o)   If we could erase the past five years from our lives, I'm pretty sure we would in a heartbeat!!  Maybe one day, we will be grateful for the things God has taken us through! I'm actually waiting patiently for God to take me to that place.  Just haven't arrived there yet!

We are grateful that in our weakness God is strength.  But we would rather Him demonstrate His strength in our lives in other ways! Like couldn't God send us to the jungles of Africa and rescue children from poverty?  That would be Him showing His strength thru us!!  Right??  I know though...we don't get to choose!

So...we do what we must do...we choose to get up each day...and move forward to the best of our ability. And we continue to be a living testimony that our human bodies and hearts are weak!  I used to sing a song with  my daddy, "His strength is perfect when our strength is gone.  He'll carry us when we can't carry on!  Raised in His power, the weak become strong.  His strength is perfect!  His strength is perfect!"  Little did I know that all those years of singing that song with my daddy that God was preparing me to be His living testimony to those very words!  God is strong!  And He does carry us when we can't carry on!  And for that, I am forever grateful!