Helpless and Humbled, Hopeless not Hopeless

Last week was a complete dud!  It was a disaster!  When mom loses it emotionally, things get bad!  And this mom lost it last week!  I cried so much that it took two days for me to feel like keeping my eyes open!!  It was a bad breakdown!

I got to thinking about the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.  I tried to get to the bottom of what caused me to break and I think it was the feeling of helplessness.  My seven year old is sending me to the feeling of helpless...completely helpless.  Let's just say we have regressed in her emotional health.  She is back to sleeping with me most nights.  She also has some behaviors that are making us crazy.  Sometimes she is as sweet as sweet can be.  But other times, oh my word!!!  At counseling this past week, we took the situation that caused me to break and broke it down play by play with the counselor.  Then when the counselor begin to ask her questions and get to the bottom of what caused Krisann to act the way she did...it boiled down to the same thing that it boils down to often.  "I'm afraid my daddy is going to die."  I don't think I can even begin to understand the depth of the impact of this statement in her life.  The counselor then proceeded to tell her over and over again she was right.  Her daddy was going to die.  As I sat and watched and listened to this conversation the tears rolled again!  Oh how my heart hurt.  There is nothing I can do about that fear of hers!  And her fear often comes out as anger.  And guess who gets the brunt of her anger....ME!!!  So oftentimes, I feel like I am in a pretty helpless situation.

I so want to provide Krisann with the same environment that my older two had growing up!  For all practical purposes they were raised in a near perfect environment.  Krisann has been raised from one tragedy to another.  Surgeries, chemo, pulmonary embolisms, week long chemo, broken hip, acute pancreatitis, etc.  She has lived from this person keeping her, to that person keeping her, to this person staying at our home to being raised by her siblings, etc.  Not to mention that the emotional health at our home is not always the greatest.  So her raising has been NOTHING like my other two!  And to expect her to live her life without fear, anxiety, and grief would be crazy!  But I find myself desiring that for her daily!  And helpless to make it happen!

Humbled...On top of the emotional stuff that's been going on...I have had two men here working on replacing some fence posts, power washing and getting ready to re-stain my privacy fence.  It is KILLING me how many hours they have spent here!  Some days I can't hardly stand it!  I know they are doing it because they desire to but it is definitely teaching me humility!  I haven't even had the energy to make them cookies or anything!!!  I feel very sad that they are spending so much time here.  But on the other hand, I am truly grateful because that job was just beyond me!  Learning humility is not fun though!!  I just gotta say!

Because of my out of sync week, everything got out of order and out of routine to say the least.  So my laundry got piled up.  Today, I went to tackle the laundry!  And I just decided it was hopeless!!

These pictures do not even do the laundry justice!  It was crazy how much laundry I had!  No wonder I had no capris to wear this morning!  There are probably four more loads of clothes in my bathroom!  So...it was time to buckle down and laundry it today!  After three loads, I'm thinking I'm going to be gone this afternoon, there is no way that I will ever get this laundry all done!  It is hopeless!!  For that matter, I may never get my laundry caught up!!!  Those were the thoughts going on in my head.  But I was committed to spending every waking moment that I was at home on my clothes today!  And y'all, in the middle of my third load of laundry a sweet friend texted and said, I wondered if you had any laundry that needed to be done.  I'd love to come pick some up for you today!  Really??  How in the world did she know I was in the middle of laundry and feeling pretty hopeless?!  I told her I was working on it today.   Then I was telling Zine that she had offered, and Zine said,  "Heck yes we would like her help!"  So needless to say she came and picked up a lot of laundry!!  I still hear my washing machine going tonight but one more load and it will be done!

Today I have just found myself in a grieving cycle today.  I want life to be the way it was!  I want my home to be a happy, joyful, content home!  I want my little one to be raised in the same environment my others were raised.  I want my husband to get up and go to work.  I want to be the best homeschool mama again!  I want to know at lunch what I'm cooking for dinner!  I want to clean my house.  I want to do my laundry.  I want my husband to fix my fence.  I want us to go and do as a family again like we used to!  I want to be a friend other than a texting friend.  I want to teach.  I want to organize.  I want my family to be busy on Halloween like we used to be.  And....I can't have life that way!

Despite my little grieving cycle I have found myself in today, I am slayed by how God orchestrates all the details in our lives together!  From counselors, to beloved men from church, to friends who love to do laundry, to a friend who knows what it is like to raise children of trauma, to a friend who unexpectedly drops Dunkin Donuts off at my house, to a friend who texts with me regularly and keeps me sane...God is always orchestrating details of our lives together! And I am super duper grateful for how He continues to orchestrate details together in our lives and how he weaves other people's lives into ours!