Work? School? Routine?

After several crazy weeks, this week seems a bit more normal in some ways!  There's not been 12 doctors appts!  There's not been 4 nights in ICU.  There's not been chemo!  There's not been a surgery!

Zine did have a CAT scan today to reassess his lungs!  Chloe has had a lot of pain and some problems with a new medicine we were trying.  But I think that's just going to be part of life now!

Zine has gone back to work this week after being off for 2 solid weeks!  Homeschooling is working out some days!  Some days...well...we won't talk about those!

Monday I start back to online teaching so we will really have to buckle down and dig in and find routine.  I can't say how nervous I am about going back to work.  It's been so crazy I can't imagine adding 4 hours a day on the computer into my world!!  Prep time...well...it's been very little!  But as I shared this with my boss this week how my anxiety was rising...she reminded me I had done this before.  She actually said, You're a professional.  You could do this blindfolded with your arms tied behind your back!  I so needed to hear those words.  After I laughed, those words did calm my anxious heart some.

Routine...that actually makes me laugh as well.  I don't think we will ever have routine around here anymore!  I think it will always be hold on for dear life, cry when you need to and dance in the rain when you can!  Add a little homeschooling here and there.  Take advantage of impromptu opportunities to love others despite our craziness!

Some days I really grieve the lifestyle changes we have experienced.  Krisann is being raised in a completely different environment than my other two!  And that makes me sad!!  And she is making us all sad as she begins to understand that her daddy is sick.  She is making statements that will kill a mama heart.  And the other night, I think she broke her brother's heart too!  Oh how we would love it if we could shelter her from the struggles and pain!

Some days I would give anything to go back to our old way of life...

Function Only Mode

This week...this week...is one for the record books!  Actually the past three weeks should go down in the record books for something!!  These past three weeks we have been in function mode only.  And I'm not even sure we've done that very well.

As many are awaiting an update from our trip to the neurologist, I simply have not had time to sit down and write!  Nor have I had the emotional stamina to write.  I am simply put...weary and worn out.  I am still struggling to function somewhat normal.  My brain is just foggy!  Details escape me regularly.  Simple decisions are very difficult to make!  Completing tasks seems impossible. But despite this...we have moved forward the best we could with life this week.

We did have an important drs appt with neurologist on Wednesday.  Our appt was at 4 pm.  Left home at 3.  Arrived back home at 10 pm!   A long night!!  Who knew that something as simple as going to the dr with you could be such a blessing?  That happened this week.  A dear friend went with us.  When I said I feel bad your skipping church to go with us, his response was I'm not skipping...I'm doing!  But I'm not sure Zine and I would have survived without him!!  Sooooooooo thankful!  Forever indebted!!

We arrived and was almost immediately called to the back.  But then the waiting began.  The nurse was quick to do her stuff.  But it seemed like forever before the nurse practitioner came in and did her evaluation.  Then it wasn't long before Dr. L came in.

When we went to this appt, Zine was pretty certain he was finished with all MS disease modifying drugs.  This chemo didn't work!  And it was the one with the best track record.  And after all we've been through and it hasn't helped MS, it doesn't really make you want to do anything else.  So we went, prepared to say we're done!

What Dr. L did do, was say we didn't need to do anything right now.  We need to give Zine's lungs some time to heal.  He has ordered a repeat CAT scan for Wednesday to assess if we are making progress with the clots reabsorbing.  But for at least three more months, we needed to take a break from treatments.   We still treat the symptoms of the disease but no chemo treatments or other drugs!

If after that we decide to treat the disease again, we will most likely be trying a chemo type drug that will be given 5 days in a row.  It will take about 8 hours each day.  We literally would go spend a week in Cullman, AL.  Now...after just getting out of hospital...that thought is overwhelming.

Dr. L is always good at encouraging you to stay in the fight.  But ultimately it is our decision whether we choose to proceed or not with the 5 day treatment in a few months down the road.   He said he would respect whatever decision we made.  And now...is simply not the time for us to make that decision.  Right now we are worn out and I think we are both ready to give in to the fight.  So I'm grateful that we didn't have to make that decision Wednesday night.  Grateful for a few months of not fighting a disease and just focused on allowing healing to take place in Zine's lungs.

We have a whole stack of prescriptions for medical equipment.  Words like power wheelchair, transfer boards, rolling shower chairs, a new bed, a taller toilet, grab bars, and patient lift were written on little papers that serve as an official documentation of our need.  Now we begin the hard part of implementing all those changes.  Once again, grateful for some knowledgeable people to walk beside us in these changes.

I would like to say I left feeling good and liked where we are.  Instead I left feeling very heartbroken.  This is not going away. I don't think there's anything we can do to make it go away.  It's forever here on this earth.  There's no relief.  It is.  It is our life.  It is our life forever.  And for that I am exceptionally sad.  And overwhelmed.  Oh I know that God could choose to heal!  And if He healed we would definitely be ecstatic and give Him all the glory.  But short of that miracle, this is.  And this is not the life we desired.  It is not we had planned.  It is not fun.  It is full of pain and grief.

Zine hates for me to be upset in his presence.  It is not okay for me to cry over him and MS in his presence.  I understand his thoughts and feelings regarding that.  But sometimes, I can not contain the tears!  I worked so hard to keep it together for him.  I did shed tears but I did not fall apart!  By the time we left the doctors office my head felt like it was going to explode.  And I think it was simply me trying to contain my emotions and stress just taking its toll in my physical body!

And there's been no time to process things emotionally yet.  We have lived in the function only mode all week!!  12 doctors appointments and a college visit all in a matter of five days!

And I know I've posted this picture before but it still remains as truth.

When Sleep Doesn't Come

It is 2:04 am.  I have yet to go to sleep! When I don't sleep that's because there are things bothering me deep in my heart!  And tonight is one of those nights.  I have laid in my bed and tried to be the good girl and close my eyes and rest!  But then...Krisann came and joined my bed and that was the end of me being a good girl.  I got up with sweet Krisann, gave her some Benadryl (yes her nose was a little stuffy), let her have the iPad and tucked the wide eyed girl back in her bed.  So what am I to do now?  I am now WIDE awake.  She's joined me up front several times now for various reasons, she has decided she would sleep on the sofa which I agreed to but that didn't last very long, and now she has gone back to bed.  But I'm waiting for her return up front at any moment and guess what...I don't even care.  She won't know what to think other than she has the nicest mommy in the world who doesn't even get frustrated when she gets up a gazillion times!  Not been a cross word out of my mouth tonight!   A rarity of a jewel for sure.  Most of the time in the middle of the night she gets a very grumpy mama!

Today (rather yesterday) was not a bad day.  Busy...yes!  But not bad!!  But it was one of those days that my mouth fell open as I looked to God and said, "REALLY???!!!!"  There are times when I just look around and think Satan is alive and well.  Other times, I struggle with what am I supposed to learn?  What is the purpose in the struggles?  But yesterday was one of those Satan is alive and well days.  And he's not just wreaking havoc in my life, he's getting my friends too!!  But three hours later I struggle with what am I supposed to be learning?  What's the purpose Jesus??

Let's just be real...life is hard, parenting is hard and marriage is hard!  Marriage is really hard sometimes!!  And it's one of those seasons in our lives!  Stress wreaks havoc in marriages.  And need I say...we have had more than our fair share of stress??!!   Oh please don't think we're about to divorce or anything like that!  Nope!  We are committed, we love deeply and when we love deeply we often hurt deeply.  Take that love and hurt and multiply it by 2 and viola...a perfect situation for struggles.  But one thing we both know...we will survive!


Parenting struggles...a child that is growing up way too fast with too much responsibility on his shoulders breaks my heart.  It is just not fair for my sidekick to feel so much responsibility!! But oh how deeply I love this child who feels so much responsibility.  I see myself in him all the time!!  And that's not always a good thing!!   A daughter that struggles with anxiety and depression and medical issues some days is way too much.  Last night was one of those pain nights.  Finally a warm bath to help those hurting legs.  How I wish I could take her physical pain away but also her emotional struggles!   And a lively 6 year old named Krisann...need I say anymore?  But this girl is beginning to process all going on in our lives and it's hard for my mommy heart.  She has said things like if I were God I would take daddy's MS away...but I'm not God!  This weekend she said my daddy isn't going to die because I'm not done with 5th grade yet.  Too too much for a mama heart!  As I sat and cried with  my pediatrician on Monday about how best to help her, I just felt totally overwhelmed.  It's one thing for teenagers to go through what we're going through but 6 year olds??  Really??!!

Life struggles...since the blood clots and the blood thinners...everything has changed.  Monday morning as Zine coughed and coughed I thought oh no....what's wrong??  Tonight as he has coughed on and off through the night I think...is this normal?  Why yes he could have congestion Karen and it's perfectly normal.  But wait, what if something is going on with his blood clots and it's causing him to cough?  Are we missing something?  Oh yes, the doctor told us over and over that he can not fall!  That's laughable almost!  Tell a guy with severe MS he can't fall?  Really??  My idea of safe and his idea don't always agree together to say the least!  My loving concerns aren't always appreciated to say the least.  I try hard, really hard, to not over react or over respond, but my goodness, it has been a constant battle this week.

A visit to the neurologist...that is most definitely a life struggle.  Our lives have been turned upside down on more than one occasion by a visit to a neurologist.  But this visit at 4 pm Wednesday...it might be way different. It has the potential to be a life changing visit in a different way.  There have been many discussions about moving forward between Zine and I.  Difficult conversations at that!  What will be the final outcome about moving forward...I guess we will know at some point after 4 pm!!  But I have some suspicions about what might be to come!!  Sometimes we think we are ready for things but when it comes right down to it, we're not so sure!!   So praying for God to go before us, with us and follow us home!!  Praying for God to give VERY clear direction!!  And praying that the final decision about moving forward would be made with much direction from the One who knows all, who sees all, who controls all things!  But can I just be real?  Just typing about this visit makes my body shake uncontrollably!

In my blog, I want to be honest.  It is my desire that others would get glimpses of the struggles we face!  Sometimes I feel that Christians paint way too pretty a picture about struggles.  I want to poke some Christians and ask if they are really real!!  I obviously have not arrived at that point.  But I also want others to see glimpses of our deep faith.  And tonight even as I wrestle with these struggles, I cling to my faith!

I love music!  Music can lead my heart to the Lord quicker than anything.  The past few days there's a song that I keep listening to.  It's called Arms That Hold the Universe.  You can click and listen.  This song reminds me of so many truths!  God is a God of strength.  He holds us and Zeph. 3:17 even says he sings over us.  Sometimes I just get this beautiful picture of a daddy who rocks their child and sings to them and calms them with his love and compassion.  That's exactly what God does for us.  We just have to be willing to climb up in His lap! And that is the part I struggle with..the climbing up and accepting what He offers! I'm often the child that just wants to be put in their bed with out that sweet time of rocking and connecting or sometimes I'm the child who kicks and screams when they are being comforted, rocked, and sang over!  You know that exasperated parent who after doing everything they can finally puts a screaming child in their bed because they don't know what else to do...yep...that's me a lot of times as well!

This song also reminds me that with three words God calmed a raging storm!!    And He can speak those three words into my life.  Peace be still!  So tonight amidst all these struggles, I'm just being still and listening to this song over and over again!  Reminding myself that God is in control.  I am His child!  He will never let me go!

Real life...real struggles...real faith! In the midst of real life, real struggles, and real faith, God is still God, God is still in control, and God still speaks and calms the raging seas!

PS:  It is now 3:36.  Yes this took me an hour and half to write and make my picture!  Sweet Krisann is now sound asleep on the sofa!!  And poor Amanda is getting her tomorrow after she's been up half the night!  I think we shall pray for Amanda!!  And...I still do not feel sleep coming on!! Soon...maybe soon it will come!

When Everyone But You Are Thankful

I don't know that I have ever experienced that feeling before.  Everyone else is excited and thankful but I wasn't.  That's a crazy feeling.  Yesterday, Zine was released from the hospital to come home.  The doctors and physical therapist have put the fear in us about what happens if Zine falls!!  We have gone over changes we need to make.  And we are in the process of making some changes.  It just takes awhile to get those done!  So in the meantime, we must be very careful of falls!

Yesterday, when he was released, my Facebook exploded with sentiments of gratefulness and thanks. I got text messages saying I'm so glad you're going home!  I'm so glad you are home!!

And I felt guilty for not being thankful and excited. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to be home and lay down in my bed.  A hospital recliner is not that awesome...if you try to turn over watch out because invariably I found myself sitting upright everytime I tried to roll over!  However, at the hospital there were other people there.  Zine was in bed for the most part.  There were people there if I had a question.  Zine was not trying to make unwise choices because he couldn't do much there.  Now, I'm bringing him home and everyone is excited but me.  Talk about feeling alone??!!

I went to pharmacy to get new meds after bringing him home.  And I made the pharmacy staff all cry.  They know me on first name basis there.  And even with them, I very openly shared how guilty I felt about coming home and not being excited.  And yes, the tears rolled.  They most definitely have never seen me cry!  But they did yesterday!  But the pharmacist looked at me and said, Karen I get it!  I understand!  And she assured me that she thought she would be the same way!!  That made me feel a bit better.  But...I really don't know that I've ever had something where everyone was excited besides me.  That might have been a first for me!

My husband told someone tonight that he's seen me cry more this week than he has in 21 years of marriage.   And I foresee another emotion filled week in my future next week!!  I think I counted 9 doctors appointments for my family this coming week.   If tears are healing, then I should well be on my way to healing!!!  And God has definitely had to get a larger bottle to hold these tears this week!

This week has forever changed me!!  I have been to places that no wife ever wants to go.  There are things that I haven't even managed to put voice to yet.  And I don't know that I will ever be able to do that.  But I know I have learned some things...God's grace is most definitely sufficient and His strength is made perfect in my weakness.  And I have experienced the love of our family like never before. And most of that had to do with my willingness to freely receive!  For the first time ever, I have not felt guilty about people taking care of my family and doing things at my house.  I never once begrudged the fact that people were loving us!  I'm sorry I had to get to the depths of despair as I did before I could freely accept love from others!!  I've also shared my life with others like never before! It's amazing what God can do in our lives when we are literally at the end of our rope! Thank goodness, when I reached the end of my rope this week that Jesus was there!!

Still a dream...it can't be real!

Zine has improved.  He is alert and awake most of the time.    He feels fine.  No headache or anything like that.  His blood has been contrary.  We hit the therapeutic dose on Tuesday afternoon which they said was really good.  That means he got to go longer than 6 hours without them testing his blood.  But then Wednesday morning early his blood was thicker and clotting factor was up.  So all day yesterday we spent increasing his heparin drip and giving him a bolus dose twice.  Last night they finally had his blood back in a good range.  It continued through the night and this morning it is still good.   So they are going to let him go all day without checking and see how it makes it on a longer time period. Hoping that it will stay where it needs to!

Physical Therapy came yesterday and helped him get up and move a little bit.  He also got up twice and sat in the chair.  He is very weak!  And I'm sure it will take time to build back up his strength!

We have been battling some emotional issues in our lives and this event has really brought them to the forefront.  We have let this disease get ahead of us due to the emotional issues.  We have not made the needed transitions to proper medical equipment for several reasons.  One, he has fought this disease tooth and nail and to get medical equipment or to do things differently is defeat.  Two, no one wants to turn their house into a hospital!  Three, it is expensive.  But I have definitely realized that we have allowed him to miss out on life due to lack of proper medical equipment.  So we have not only a long battle of emotional issues, we've got a long battle to explore exactly what we need.

And if there is one thing we know about Zine, he is a do it yourself guy!   And we have allowed him to rule the roost and do it himself even when it is unsafe.  He's tried to take his wheelchair down stairs (oops that one was on accident), he tries new things when no one is around and ends up in places he wasn't planning on, getting in the bed is a dangerous event in which I've let him do just because I didn't want to fight him.  Even putting on his socks and shoes is dangerous and on any given day he might nearly fall three or four times in that process.  Even as he has walked with his walker in the house he has become very unstable.  And...I have allowed him to do things that were unsafe because that was easier than battling.  I figured that all the harping in the world wouldn't change anything.

So here we find ourselves in a new situation...a simple fall could be exceptionally dangerous.  As a matter of fact, now if he takes a fall we are supposed to immediately come to the ER. Falls are quite normal part of his life.   Doctor and Physical Therapist have been talking strongly to us about safety.  Which safety means LOTS of changes on our side.  So we will begin the exploring stages of what we need to begin to implement.  And we can't do that on our own.  So help is on the way!!  But the harder part of this is our willingness to step out of our comfort zone.  Removing the comfort zone for not wanting our house to look like a hospital.  Removing the comfort zone of doing things that are unsafe because it is easier.  Removing the comfort zone of being a do it yourself person.  Removing the comfort zone of not knowing exactly how much things are going to cost but doing them because they are things that have the potential to breathe life back into our lives.  Those things my friends are hard and difficult!  And they are choices we have to make.  Not only those choices but also choices in our emotional world as well.

Wow!  There's a lot to take in and think about.  Not to mention the sheer thought that he almost died and the emotional toll that takes.    Can I just say that this all seems like a dream?  I'm pretty sure that we are going to wake up and it will be gone!  But dog gone it, we keep getting woke up at 4 am for bloodwork and it is stark reminder that it is not a dream!  But real often, I look at what has happened and what is ahead of us and I think it is a dream! If only....it were a dream that would be awesome!

Nightmare in Real Life

If we have ever lived a nightmare...it has been since Sunday at 5:30.  At noon, Zine arrived home from church and said I feel horrid.  Please fix me something to drink.  Maybe I'm dehydrated!  I gave him lots of glasses of water and lemonade.  Fixed him some lunch.  He went to sleep and three and half hours later he woke up.  He got up, rolled himself to the bathroom, and then came back to where I was.  Once again, he looked at me and said, Karen, I feel horrid!!  So I began to question what he was feeling and took his fever and blood pressure.  I quickly discovered his heart rate was high.  Got my Cancer Center paperwork to see what needed to be done.  Followed my instructions and called the oncologist answering service.  Within 4 minutes, the doctor called me back.  Asked me lots of questions and recommended a trip to the ER with Zine.  He told me on the phone he was worried Zine had a blood clot.  I thought he was wrong!!

We arrived at the hospital, waited just a few minutes to get into triage and then we were placed first for the next room that was available in about 3 minutes!  From that point on, it was CRAZY!!

Details are all mixed up in my head so I might not get them in right order.  But there was lots of blood work, chest X-rays, ultrasounds, and all those were done what seemed to be very quick!  Then the doctor returns and tells us they need to do a CAT scan.  There was a test called the d dimer test that was EXCEPTIONALLY elevated and that was indeed indicators for blood clots.  So immediately almost they took him to CAT scan.  And within minutes of returning Zine to the room the doctor reappeared.  Much faster than any doctor ever reappears at the ER!!  This time she pulls up the stool and sits down.  I've decided that's a bad sign!!  She proceeds to tell us that Zine has  multiple blood clots in his lungs.  They are moving him to ICU.  The question was she didn't know if they would keep him here.  He may have to be transferred to Huntsville.  I beg to stay in Madison!  She said she had to call the ICU doctor and see if they would be comfortable with him staying here.  Thankfully, he said Zine could stay here!

The next minutes were absolutely horrid.   I asked questions and the dr looked at me and said this is a matter of life and death.  We will not worry about future things.  I remember people coming.   I remember my son falling into my arms trying to be strong for his mama!  I remember coming up to ICU.  I remember I felt VERY loved by our friends!!

Now you would think if life is a matter of life and death the person would be non responsive.  Oh no, Zine was talking even on his possible deathbed.  He is rolling to ICU and I'm not sure what he's saying but he's making people laugh and his mouth is going!

About 3:00 things settled down.  Visitors were all gone.  It was me, him, and our nurse!  About 4ish, I watched as I was pretty certain my husband was about to leave this world.  When his vitals became not nearly as stable and his respirations went down to 3 I was pretty certain the end was near.  But God had different plans!  I am totally confident that God sustained his life that night!

What we know now, is that the doctors have NEVER seen someone with lungs like his alive!  We know that in the medical world multiple means too many to count!!  It means his lungs are FULL of clots.  We know that when clots enter the lungs that they typically think they've found a home and they stay there.  The amazing thing is over the past month or so he's been developing blood clots and they've been traveling from his legs to his lungs and no where else!!  A miracle for sure!   I'm totally confident chemo saved his life in an unimagineable way.  If he had not just had chemo I would have never taken him to the ER.  Only because he had chemo and I thought his blood counts were low did I call!  Zine asked the doctor if I had not made him come to the hospital, would he have died?  The doctor said most definitely! We know that we can look back at little details and are confirmed over and over again that we were in a very serious situation and confident that we received a miracle.  Not the one we have been praying for but most definitely understand that God does still work miracles!

As of this morning, we have a plan in place.  Now 5 more days here sounds like a daunting task...but we can do it!  But even going home is going to be hard because we seriously have to look at how we do life in a safer way than we have been doing it!!  But I'm sure there will be grace for those moments as well.

I would love to say that we are fine and wonderful!  But we would still LOVE for this cup of MS to pass away from us!  I am still emotional and so is Zine I just show mine more than he shows his!  We are still overwhelmed feeling.

Not the most favorite picture I've ever seen of us!  But exceptionally grateful that this guy is here and he was even willing to take a picture!!!

Broken Promise and the Hand

What happens when someone makes a promise and then they break their promise?  Well, I feel anger, frustration, that I'm not important, disrespected, unloved, etc.  And sometimes, I'm just not very forgiving!  That happened yesterday to me!  And those feelings crept right up in my heart with a vengeance!  I've struggled all night and all day with those negative emotions.    And once again I found myself saying...really God??   Sometimes God's plan and mine...well...let's just say...His plan doesn't always look like I want it to!! 

Today, I have been with my sweet girl at the hospital all day!!   Yep focusing on her and dealing with negative emotions...not a fun day for me!  But...my girl has been such a trooper.  She had a surgery in May and again in August!!  That's crazy!!!  But she is a warrior!!!  She just keeps on keeping on!!  She inspires me regularly.  Sometimes she exhausts me!!  

As I have sat with her today, I have laughed, I have cried, and God has spoken!   In hospital settings, Chloe's anxiety goes through the roof!  It escalades greatly!  So this time, we were prepared for that anxiety!!  And it was much better medical intervention than May!  From the moment she got up, her little body started shaking and the tears started rolling.  She was a basket case.  Once we got through registration, the wait was very short.  The nurses were super sweet and efficient.  Her blood pressure was elevated.  I thought it wasn't bad.  The nurses disagreed.  I told them I had seen it worse!  It didn't take long at all for them to get her some anxiety medicine.  Then this girl got happy!  Really happy!  She didn't say much she just smiled and smiled and smiled!  I don't think I've ever seen her that happy!!!  But in the middle of this she started doing this thing with her hand.  I was sitting beside her and she kept raising her hand up in my face!  We couldn't figure out any purpose.  But it was almost nonstop.  Once again, we waited so long the anxiety meds were wearing off.  So they had to come give her more.  But once again, once I requested it they were quick and efficient.  And this hand continued to be shoved in my face.   They came and took her to surgery soon after this.  Two hours later, surgery was complete!  Her time in recovery didn't last long before they were calling for me to come.  She was a bit agitated to say the least.  When I got to her what was the first thing to greet me...this hand!!!  This hand was on my face, in my hair, it was just everywhere.  She couldn't even see me but she could feel me and almost immediately she began to calm down and drifted back off to sleep. 

I definitely don't have an anxiety disorder...but I know what anxiety feels like.  I know my body shakes uncontrollably sometimes!  And I definitely don't understand anxiety! It's a crazy thing!! And I hate that she has to struggle with anxiety disorder and depression!

As I have sat here and just thought through our day...God has been speaking to my heart.  God has used this hand to talk to me!  God reminded me that this hand when it touched my face and touched my hair today found comfort!  That hand when it reached out to the right person found a peace!  And very quickly the franticness began to subside and rest began to come!  God just said Karen, I offer you the same thing.  Just reach your hand out and touch Me!  I can bring you comfort, peace, and rest!  And that was enticing because I need all three of those things in my life right now!

I am confident that God can do just that!  I think I have a problem...I'm not sure how to do that!  So...I've had to stop and just ask God to show me what it means to reach out and touch Him.  What exactly does that look like from my perspective??  How do I trust God??  After all...His plan looks nothing like I want it to!  It doesn't feel like a good plan! It actually feels like I have been overlooked and unloved a lot of times!   How do I trust God when the situation isn't pretty?  I know God is at work in my life, but I'm confident that as I struggle through these questions, God is going to show me exactly what that looks like!  And as I wrestle with spiritual questions such as these...it's going to make me a stronger person!  It's going to give me an insight into others who are struggling through these type situations.  And it's producing in me...a hope!  A hope that as I learn to reach out my hand, I am going to find those things such as comfort, peace, and rest!  A hope that there is purpose beyond what I can see!

And as I say all the time...partly for you...and mostly for me...just because we struggle with issues such as these doesn't make us less of a Christian!!  There's no reason for self condemnation when we struggle through these issues!  Maybe I shall repeat that for me...there's no reason for self condemnation when we struggle!