What's Wrong With Me?

This blog entry became a soul searching entry!  It has caused me to think and think and search and search.  Don't read it if you're going to judge me!  And don't read it unless you want to hear some of the inner thoughts in my head.  And...please don't think I'm writing about you!  I promise I am not!!

I have had several good weeks emotionally.  And then out of nowhere, bam, I am knocked to my knees...literally!  Back to that inner turmoil that consumes.  Nothing I can put my finger on and say this is what is wrong.  Just a general uncontrolled totally consuming turmoil. 

When I find myself here, I am constantly trying to figure out what has caused it, why the turmoil, what do I need to do to fix it.

I think the thing I keep coming back to is that alone feeling!!  When I first dissect that alone feeling, the things that come to my mind can seem very selfish.  Things such as I have no close friends, I am not connected, no one understands, etc.   I read blogs like this blog entry on Why Women Need Girlfriends and I all of a sudden can so identify with this blog!  When my teenagers were preschoolers I had play dates and close friends!  However as they have grown up, my friends dwindled or at least became much less involved with each other.  Our lives became busy and we let those relationships slip past us.  A couple of my closest friends moved away as well.

Fast forward to my current situation, I have become more and more introverted and withdrawn just due to the circumstances of life.  Then I think let's be real, people are busy.  For many of our chuch people, I live on the opposite side of town or "Egyptland" as it has been tagged.  So doing things together or being with people becomes difficult.  It's hard for Zine to be out and about so that means all entertaining has to be done in our home.  And then for me that gets tiresome.  So it's simply easier to stay at home and not socialize very much.  And in November when life first fell apart, people were all over here on my side of town bringing meals, visiting, praying, etc. and they truly are part of the reason we were able to keep going.  But as Zine said at the time, this is the long haul Karen.  This battle is new and people are interested.  Give it few months and it will slow down and be just us again.  There was much truth to that.  People will still bring us dinners if we desired.  But it felt to me like it was a hassle.  People stopped coming to visit and rather it was a duty to drop a meal off.  I will let the meal train start back when we go for our next round of chemo because that is helpful during that time.  But sometimes meals were more about connecting than eating.   Oh, we have people tell us all the time how they pray for us daily.  Sometimes I want to say, just stop praying!  I don't even care anymore!   Can you all just tell that I am in a MAJOR funk?!

In that blog entry I mentioned above there's the story of some girlfriends who take beach trips together.  And I know ladies who do that.  But I've never had that type of relationship with anyone other than Zine!!  There's another example of the lady who lost her husband.  The article talks about her friends who knew just what to do and blessed her tremendously.  I just cried when I read that article.  I don't think I have friends that could come in my house and know exactly what to do or know me well enough to write my spouse's obituary!  That is a totally scary overwhelming thought that one day I might find myself in that situation.  You think about these things when you are 70 and 80.  Not 40!  The thought of losing my spouse is a thought that I contemplate often.  As our emotional cups overflow, the need for friends becomes very real.  Oh, we have LOTS of people who would minister to us.  But ministering to us and having friends are two completely different things!  But part of that friendship issue is my problem... I don't allow people to know me and my family.  I have safely erected castle walls around us!  They are great protection!!

And I'm certain that since November, I have withdrawn more and more into my little turtle shell!  Being with people causes me much anxiety.  It's like I have totally forgotten how to relate to people.  I'm not even sure I know how to carry on conversations anymore!  So...I'm grateful that some people are talkers and can talk to a brick wall!  :-)  That definitely makes conversation easier!!  Go to church....that is one thing I often make myself do.  I simply want to go to church service, sing and worship, hear sermon, and come home.  I definitely do NOT want to be going to some Sunday School class and talking nor some ladies connecting class right now!   So...what is wrong with me?  Blogs like this one evokes that desire for friends.  However, I look at life and come up with a gazillion excuses why friendships just won't work out right now.  Then I listen to a couple of friends who say you just need to learn to trust people.  And I mix all these together in a mixing bowl and don't even know what's supposed to come out!  For that matter, I don't even know what I want.  What is wrong with me seems to come to my mind regularly lately.  And I'm not sure...

I simply  know my insides are all in turmoil.  I also know that I have stepped way outside my comfort zone this week.  I invited a sweet lady to hang out with me the day of Krisann's bday.  It was very comfortable and friendly.  I truly enjoyed the company and conversation.  I would have never thought to do that prior to the past couple of weeks!  Maybe God will open my eyes to more opportunities like that!  And maybe I will step out of my comfort spot more often.  Second thing I did outside my current comfort zone was I went to one of those ladies connecting prayer groups!  Didn't share any requests, but I went!  A tiny step forward...maybe??!  Third thing I did outside my current comfort zone was I also spent an entire day with another lady and her girls this week.  I even rode in the same car together for almost 2 hours over and 2 hours back and several hours letting our girls play and picnic together.  That was WAY out of my comfort zone.  But I did it.  And I survived!  And it was fun!  It would have been more fun if I could have taken my castle walls down and totally been myself! If I could find that fun loving girl I have always been and resurrect her somehow!  But...I'm not sure I know how to do that anymore!  They may be permanent walls!  And maybe life has changed my entire personality.  Maybe I'm just in a funk and I'm going to wake up to a new perspective tomorrow.  I don't have a clue!

I do know one thing for certain...next week, I have a big counseling session with some sweet ladies where we are going to learn how to break down Karen's castle walls and hopefully take some steps to help me become friendly again!  And I do know that it's not until Thursday, and my insides are quite the disaster already!  I have no idea what is to going to come from that counseling session.  So I am having to trust really hard that God is out to prosper me and not to harm me!  I'm not sure what God is up to in my life but I'm afraid He is at work!  And I'm not sure I like it!  I personally think I like hiding better!

I've got to learn in the blogging world how to give credit for pictures that aren't mine.  But I borrowed this picture from another blog post that I thought was a very interesting and right on target for how we hide.  You can read the post about Turtle Shells here.