In a funk!

I have been so grumpy, teary eyed, needy, overwhelmed since Thursday.  A funk does not even begin to describe it!!  But I have three friends that have simply hit my target in responding to my funk!  One I called literally frantic!  She told me later she sure was glad she had caller ID or she would not have had clue who she was talking to!  And I talk to this lady on a regular basis!  But I don't think I've ever called her that frantic feeling before!!  I'm still sad she moved away and doesn't live three miles from me anymore!!  But I'm super glad for telephones and text messages.   She didn't have any advice for me! She simply listened!  She cared!  She said I'm sorry!  Another friend got to hug me while I weeped.  I didn't hear quit crying.  I didn't hear words that tried to fix my situation.  Only silence and an affirmation that I would get through this next medical drama on the horizon.  And my third friend, well she was surprised for a moment at the chaos that was spinning up again.  And then she prayed the most powerful prayer ever!!  Isn't it amazing how God used three different people with three different responses to care for my tender heart?!  They are not the only three God has used!  God has used many of my friends for different purposes.  These were just the three I wrote about!!  So no one get your feelings hurt that I didn't talk about you!!

And Zine Smith has definitely been working hard to stay out of fix it mode.  That guy just wants to wrinkle his nose and make my jaw work with no pain and my ear not hurt.  After all...that is his role often in my life...the problem solver and fixer!  He wants to encourage me that when they stick a needle in my jaw and inject dye on Monday that it's not going to be bad.  He talked to someone else who had an MRI but they didn't have to have that done!  So he tries to give me hope that maybe it won't be as bad as I am expecting.  But then he looks at me and says, I want to respond appropriately!  And I'm so sorry you have to do this!

Definitely in a funk over this surgery thing!!!  It was not on my to do list to say the least!

Another way I am in a funk...

To blog or not to blog...I often ask myself that question over and over again!  I have been blessed by many people when I have blogged.  I have got to see how God has used my blog and my realness over and over again.  That's been really cool!

The downside to blogging is that now no one ever needs to call or check in to see what's going on in our lives. They read it on the blog.  So in a lot of ways, blogging has reduced our one on one connections that we might have had without the blog.  The good side of that though is I don't have to make five phone calls and say the exact same thing because I know those closest to me will read my blogs!

The most difficult part of blogging our personal lives to an extent is that you all know us better than we know you!  And so sometimes that feels very intimidating.

It's so weird how God works.  Yesterday, I was done with blogging.  I was frustrated!  And I wasn't going to write anymore.  And then today...I get message from a sweet friend from college years ago that came across our blog!  And God said see, I want you to keep blogging.  I think because of my blog, God has opened doors for me to talk to other people that I wouldn't have had otherwise.  A lady in my church and I have become very good messenger buddies.  We rarely are together in person but because we have shared some medical journeys at the same time God opened doors for us to communicate!  So God says keep blogging!  You're being obedient!  You're reaching people!  That's what you wanted!!  You want people to see your struggles but you want people to see your faith!  And I hope that we have showed both of those in our blogs!  We are human!  We are far from perfect!  We do not walk this road without mess ups!  But there is grace in those mess ups!  Some days our faith is strong.  Sometimes we simply come up for a big gulp of air before going back under.  It's just where we are!  And I have come to understand...it's okay to be in both of those places!  It's okay to have strong faith and it's okay to struggle!

But let me just say...sometimes blogging is difficult!!  Sometimes I edit posts a gazillion times.  Sometimes we converse over whether we really want to write on that topic or not.  Many times I will let a blog post sit for days to weeks at a time before publishing it.  Just because I have to sit on it for awhile before feeling freedom to post it.  Sometimes I write a blog post and then two days later, I don't feel that way at all!  I have one right now sitting waiting to be published.  It was about God as a good Father.  We all know that's one of my weak points.  And I was making some headway in that area, but then slam I go back sliding.  So...I will just have to hold onto that one for awhile longer and let God work in my heart some more so I can publish it!  But...I will publish it one day and it will bless someone!  And that will mean I've wrestled and learned something and someone else has benefitted from my wrestling!  If only I were a quick learner!!

Another way I'm in a funk...

Well I think it might be PMS!  Now that you've all laughed and can't believe that I said that!  It's a fact of life!  And despite my night sweats and crazy hormones, those female cycles still come on occasion!  So...I'm thinking maybe one is on the horizon!!  It really is a fact of life for females!  And males have to live with females.  So I'm not sure why it is socially unacceptable to mention in mixed company or in this case mixed readers!!  :-)

Another way I'm in a funk...

My son is growing up.  Tonight he went with his sweet little girlfriend to a dance.  Don't get me wrong, we love his girlfriend.  But this mama...she's just not ready to let him grow up!  I'm not old enough to have a child this old!  And he's surely not old enough to have a girlfriend and go to a dance!  Wow!   However, we did decide...he cleans up nicely!!  Except for those tennis shoes with a tie!!  But I'm told that's hip!

I think I will try to sleep some funk off now!!

Surgery Again UUGHH!!

So tonight I am mad, sad, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, tired, and weary.  We have an enemy.  He has been wreaking havoc all week.  My heart has been broken terribly for our youth pastor and wife who lost their 23 month old unexpectedly this week.  That grief has affected everyone and everything in my sphere of friends this week!

Today the enemy has been at my house.  And some sweet guys got to experience that at my house today.  Poor guys were trying to do something nice that turned into something difficult.  I told them welcome to my home.  Anything easy is automatically hard!!  Satan lives here!!

Tonight I am beat down!  Please just pray for God to breathe life back into me!  If you had been with me today these are some of the faces you might have seen!!  (Big thanks to bathroom at Sweet Frog for the emoticons!  Yes I made Chloe and Faith go in the bathroom to see the faces the other night!!!  I love these guys!  I might even have some more of these to share with you sometime!!)

Today I went to the oral surgeon with my jaw.  He told me what I didn't want to hear!!  I had surgery 11 years and 2 months ago on my jaw.  But now there is something wrong again.  I go back Monday for them to do a test.  I then take the test results right afterwards to the surgeon, he decides what all has to be done and surgery is scheduled.  So in all reality by the end of next week, I will probably have had surgery.   It seems that either the disc that they placed in my jaw joint has cracked or else scar tissue has built up and worn down the disc that they sewed in.  So depending on scar tissue or not depends on how in depth the surgery will be.  Yes, I am NOT a happy camper!!  If there is one thing that I have feared the most over the past months was...what if something happens to me?!?!  My children do not need their mother under the weather.  My husband needs me healthy.  I have been exercising to try and stay healthy for as long as possible. And then something like waking up two weeks ago with a lot of pain and a mouth that won't open very well happens.  I have known since that moment there was something wrong.  My jaw and ear have given me much pain.  Anti inflammatories have been my friend.  And I hate to swallow pills!!!

But really...I'm weary!  I'm weary of doctors appointments.  I'm weary of surgeries.  Since November my family has had 4 this makes 5 surgeries in less than a year!  Not to mention the horrible time with Zine and his blood clots a few weeks ago.  Also not to mention the chemo treatments and head shaving ceremony!  And MS wreaking havoc in Zine's body.  And having a child that struggles emotionally and physically as well!   Weary!  Weary!  Weary!  Satan and I are having lots of conversations tonight as my ear pounds in my head!   God and I are having a few words as well.  I wish I could say they were sweet words with God.  But...I don't think they are too sweet.  But that's okay with God!!  He doesn't mind!  God and I will keep talking and one day they will be sweet words again!!  And when they are sweet words again, I'm pretty sure our relationship will be sweeter because of it!!

Now when I am feeling this overwhelmed, weary, mad, sad, frustrated, tired...I always need comic relief.  You know Zine and I are great at making me people laugh.  Just this morning Zine miffed me a bit as I was trying to help him get loaded into the car.   But amidst my complaining I leaned over to kiss him goodbye and he jokingly wouldn't let me kiss him.  So I said fine!  You're loss!  Have a good day!!  And then he tried to kiss me and I refused! All in fun of course!!  And Zine said, oh Karen you would be so sad if you didn't kiss me and something happened to me on the way to work.  To which I quickly responded, I have already kissed you goodbye in case you have forgotten.  Kissing goodbye once is enough!  So we had a little sick humor giggle out of that!!  I was actually quite proud that I had come up with a zinger!  I don't do that very often!!  So I've gloated about that today!!  He's just shook his head everytime I say something about it!!  I'm grateful to have a hubby who tolerates my craziness.  Whether it be funny crazy, sad crazy, stress crazy, unreasonable thinking crazy, he takes it all in stride.  Sooooo thankful!!

But when it comes to fun and happiness... I had a friend a few years ago who said, God knew you were going to need some happiness and fun in your life so He gave you Krisann!  So...just to end my post on a happy note...this picture of Krisann makes me smile!  What a love for life this girl has!  And this picture may never be deleted from my phone.  I can't tell you how many times I have looked at this picture and smiled the past several days! So amidst my gloomy post, I hope this makes you smile!  

Where's our Fun Spirit?

I love this picture of our pastor, his wife, and Joshua!  What I love about this picture is the sheer happiness that I see in it!!  It looks like they are having so much fun!

MS has robbed my family of many things.  But the happiness and fun loving spirit is what I miss the most!  As Zine says, everything is hard now so it's just easier to stay home.  Often when I decide to make fun happen by the time we get home, I am exhausted! And I think...now why did I think that was a good idea??!!

As I sit here and realize how many nights we are at home now...it's kinda sad.  I can remember my father in law calling and leaving messages and being frustrated that we were never home!  You could hear it in his voice....I've tried to call you several times but you are never at home.  Another message might say...Do you all ever stay home?  Another message might sound like Ain't y'all ever at home?  Oh if only I had recorded those phone messages earlier in our married life!  But there was much truth to that!  We were never at home.  Even after we had two kids, we never were at home.  We were always gone!    Conner lived the life of a party for several years.  He was always on the go with us.  Chloe came and despite her muscular dystrophy, it didn't slow us down.  We kept going and doing!  Dinner out, professional mall walkers we were, and picnics/trips to the park were a norm for us.  Hikes around Monte Sano were some of our exceptionally fun outings!  Even if we did get lost!!  :-)  Zine says we weren't lost.  We are on a marked trail.  I still beg to differ with him.   Guess that hike could have been worse...I could have done that when I was six months pregnant!  Oh wait, that's what I did when we walked to all the monuments in Washington DC!!  :-)

Zine and I have always enjoyed going and doing.  Zine loves people.  I don't like people as much as he does but I do like to have a good time.  Zine loves to tell the story of the night I got escorted out of the mall with my best friend and yearbook advisor!  We really weren't bad!!  We were just simply having fun!  And fun is what I love!

MS has robbed that fun!  Despite the fact that I try to make a conscious choice to choose fun...it's hard to choose fun!  It's hard to create fun right now.  It doesn't matter how many positive thoughts I have, how many plans I make to create fun, it often just doesn't happen!

Some of the simple things like dining out is even difficult.  Last Sunday we decided to try out an eating place (we won't call it a restaurant more fast food oriented) after church on our way home.  Between parking, sidewalk entrance problems, too skinny sidewalks for wheelchairs, lots of people, booths no tables, Zine Smith was pitching a fit.  A loud one!  We had to stop and take a breath and remind ourselves that we just heard a sermon about putting on the new self and not the old self!  We did finally manage to eat our lunch.  But the impromptu fun was gone!  Even that turned out to be a difficult experience.

I actually had this post written before my counseling session this week.  It seems that this was a topic of discussion at counseling!!  The question was posed....what would you like to do for fun?  It was not a feeble attempt it was true...I don't know!!

So...I'm praying that even in the middle of MS, that God would revive our fun loving spirits!  That God himself would show us what fun is now!  That God would in his miraculous way drop fun in our lives!

It's Raining It's Pouring My Hair is Curling!

My life feels like a constant thunderstorm!  Sometimes there are moments when things seem quiet!  Life is just moving along!  And then out of the clear blue sky the storm clouds roll in, it rains like crazy...

 And I don't have an umbrella!  Which means, that nice straight hair that I worked so hard for just starts curling up like crazy!!

Yep that happened Wednesday!!  And on Wednesday, we received a piece of mail that sent our lives into a tailspin again!  It was so nice to have had a few days where we just did life and didn't think about anything extra!

However, despite the fact that we all got soaked to the bone from a nice little thunder storm and despite the fact that the rain did a number with my hair, as I was drying off in the church bathroom I was reminded of this sign in the Ronald McDonald House.

And today as I have gathered needed paperwork and pulled things together that needed to be pulled together, I have reminded myself of this sign over and over again!  Some storms may come and go, some storms may stay for awhile, but what am I going to do in the middle of the storm?   I want to dance in the rain!  I want to love others despite the chaos of my own life and I want to be loved by others!  I want to stand strong and not be blown around by the winds of life!  I want to find the happiness to dance in the rain and not be weighed down by the storm!  I want to not be scared by the storm, but rather walk in complete confidence!  I don't want to be overwhelmed by the storm, but I want to trust in a God who is bigger than a storm!  And when the storm has me confused and uncertain and answers are not in front of me, I want to trust that God is working all things out for my good and His glory.  IF I can do those things I think that might be a little bit like what dancing in the rain looks like!

What We Have Been Up To

A long awaited update...One would think that if it is quiet and I'm not writing that would mean things were quiet and nothing was going on.  But actually it is quite the opposite.  Several many things have been going on.

I did go back to work.  I was exceptionally worried about going back.  But it has gone well.  With a little bribing on my part, Krisann has really changed her schooling routine for me which is very helpful.  And the most helpful thing ever about going back is that I changed my work times.  So this year I work from 8 to 12 and then I'm done.  I was very worried about how this would work but it has been the biggest blessing.  It gives me afternoons to homeschool, run errands, go to doctors appointments, etc!  I had no clue how much this one change would free my schedule up and relieve stress.  I am soooooo thankful that God led me to do what seemed like a little change!!

Zine had a CAT scan for follow up on whether his blood thinners were working.  And the nurse was so excited to say Mrs. Smith, I never get to give you good news but Dr. L says Zine is having very good results with the blood thinners so I feel like for the first time ever I am giving you good news!  Now, his lungs still have a long ways to go and they will probably never be clot free!  But we will take progress!!

Last week we had a very emotion filled afternoon.  We had our wonderful rehabilitation friend come spend two and half hours with us as well as an occupational therapist.  One of the first questions the OT asked Zine was where was he?  He quickly spouted off 103 Blackwood Drive!  LOL!  That wasn't what she meant!  She looked at him and said well, you are in a manual chair...what's your aversion to a power chair?  His response, it says I am raising the white flag of surrender!  She quickly got all over that.  She told him for the first time ever in a power chair he could go watch his 6 year old daughter swing outside.  She reminded him that when his family left him here for an evening walk a power chair would make it easy and possible for him to go with us independently.  She told him that a power chair was a tool by which he fought the big bad ugly battle of MS.  Suffice it to say, they didn't see things eye to eye!!   They watched to see how Zine got up and down, how Zine got in and out of bed, how Zine took his shower, etc.  They joined together and brought so many ideas and resources together that we didn't even know existed.  I think they left my house with a list of about 9 pieces of medical equipment to bring here.  The afternoon was very well spent for sure.  But when they left, we were emotionally spent!  It is so difficult to just embrace and acknowledge where we are.  And I am not looking forward to my house looking like a hospital!!  But at the same time, I felt so much relief to have them on our side and to take some pressure off of me specifically!  God was definitely in the planning of the OT coming to our house.  Thankful for our rehab friend that has been with us for so many years.  Who would have ever known the first wheelchair I ordered from her when Chloe was three would begin a long term relationship with her that has definitely grown and emerged.  So thankful for God putting knowledgeable people into our lives who know exactly what we need when we don't have a clue.


And just like God sending people into our lives who know exactly what we need when we don't have a clue, God does the same for us.  There's plenty of times that I don't even know what to pray for us. But I'm so thankful that the Holy Spirit knows exactly what we need and He is interceding for us with words we can't even imagine!

I can't wait to share some things that God has done in our lives!  But that will wait for another post!