I am typically very calm and laid back. But this surgery has sent me over the edge. I have been horribly stressed, grumpy, and emotional. Outpatient surgery should be easy. But...when your spouse has MS, it becomes a bit less easy and a bit more difficult. In an overwhelmed moment, it was nice to be able to sit down with my pastor and say things that I would never say to most people. And to have him speak truth, even if some of it was truth I didn't want to hear, was a huge blessing. And for someone to take what I see as a lose lose situation and show me there are other ways to help it not be an impossible situation. That definitely brought me some comfort. But dog gone it...all that receiving I learned to do when Zine was sick...well...it's not so easy to receive when it is for me!! It's all different when people are helping my family! But when they are helping me...I'm not too fond of that idea!! I am the strong one! I am the healthy person! I am NOT supposed to be down and out! And so with those thoughts in my mind, I've pitched a lot of temper tantrums this week! I've been quite angry and mad with God, with the enemy, and with the world! No one has been safe from my frustration! Heck, Krisann said one night she wished I would let her run away so I opened the door for her and told her I would miss her!!! I never do things like that!!
Another issue is I am scheduled to get on an airplane the following Sunday and head to Ohio with Chloe. She has NUMEROUS doctors appointments scheduled there that just can't be rescheduled easily. I consulted with my doctor at great length about this trip. We looked at his calendar and my calendar and contemplated and contemplated some more. And we all agreed that this was the best situation. I am VERY concerned about getting on a plane. No one is sure that I will be ready for a trip. But I do know that once I get to Ohio there will be rest time. The last time I had surgery, I got into big trouble with my heart as I got dehydrated and that caused issues. So, obviously, that is fresh on my mind as I enter this season as well. I do know that to do surgery after returning home would cause me to miss almost an entire month of work. That wasn't warming my heart either. So...if I can simply hold my head up and get to Ohio, I can work on some recovering while I am there. But I must admit, this trip right behind a pretty major surgery has me quite concerned. But I just keep reminding myself that this decision was made with much thought and discussion and that I need to trust that God's got even this!! But...I know this about me...I have major trust issues!!!
In Ohio, Chloe will see the neurologist as well as other doctors at the MDA clinic there. Chloe is also seeing a doctor to discuss the possibility of a baclofen pump. If we decide that this is the route to go, then that will be yet another surgery for the Smith Family! And that will make 3 for Chloe this year!! So we need heavy duty prayers the next two weeks!
I'd like to ask for all these specific requests but instead the only thing I can think to say is "Dear Jesus, please let us just survive the next two weeks." Then I see this picture...
and I think "Oh dear Jesus....we are in big trouble."
I'm totally certain when I look forward into the next two weeks I can't do this!! But here's what else I know...we will get through the next two weeks! We will do what needs to be done. And it will not be because we are strong. We are not!! But evidently, I'm learning God likes to show His strength in my weaknesses. And right now...I think I have a lot of those weak places for Him to work!
No comments:
Post a Comment