Learning as we go

Well, if you've ever heard the phrase, can't live with insurance and can't live without it?  Well that's a reality in our lives right now.  We literally have been walking through this season of our lives blindly. Transitioning from working to short term disability to long term disability has come with many decisions.  And never walking this road before nor knowing anyone experienced to closely walk this road with us has left us just doing the best we can.  I assure you, we have made several mistakes in this process.  I have no problems playing dumb and asking hundreds of questions, but even at that we still don't make the best decision.  And each time we make a wrong decision, there are always hurdles to overcome!

On Saturday, when I opened my mail I discovered another letter outlining that our insurance has been appealed.  There are so many loops and holes in the Obamacare system.  Somehow when my husband goes on disability,  his lowest cost of insurance is COBRA for himself.  That idea is absurd!  This also means that I'm probably going to have to repay the past six months of our insurance!  Arghh!!!  It seems that I am most likely going to have to purchase an insurance policy for me, we will have to pay cobra for Zine, and my kids are on medicaid.  My life in many respects is governed by the government.  And it is not beautiful and it is not as wonderful as one could envision it to be.  It causes me much much stress.  It frustrates me beyond belief.   So I begin another battle...another insurance battle.  I find myself often praying that God would find favor for us in this process.  And sometimes He shows Himself powerful!  He is powerful all the time, I just don't always position myself to see His power.

I think I even blogged about it, we received letters a few weeks ago that Zine had to go to two different doctors, one in another town, for social security process.  I understood, but found it quite difficult and aggravating.  I prayed for favor in those appointments!  I prayed for smooth not difficult!  And you guys, I got two letters in the mail last week from my lovely social security office and they were letters canceling Zine's appointments.  Why?  I don't know.  But to me...God gave favor.  He gave me smooth not difficult!  I love it when God shows up like that!  And when I feel that God is not showing up, I need to take a moment to position myself, my emotions, my thoughts, so that His power can be seen! 

And as I dive into my next insurance battle this week, I pray for smooth not difficult.  I pray for great clarification!  I pray to NOT have to pay thousands of dollars only hundreds!!  Better yet, I will just pray I have to pay nothing!!

I hope that none of my friends ever have to walk through these waters of disability and insurance battles, but if you do, I will be honored to hold your hand!  I have wished for someone to hold my hand and help me through this season of paperwork upon paperwork, insurance battles, and appeals.  So I hope my wisdom is never needed but if it is, I will be honored to walk with you through this season.  And if you're someone reading this that I don't even know, please don't hesitate to comment! I would help perfect strangers to keep them from walking through the difficult waters alone!

Headaches and Hospital Visits

When you find yourself in a situation where there seems to be no answer....

That's where we have been the past month. 

Our sweet Chloe has been sick for a month. Literally she has done what was absolutely necessary to do and otherwise she has been in her bed. Most often asleep. She has had a headache that will not go away. We ended up in ER with her on her 16th bday. Brought her home, she felt better for week or so, we followed up with neurologist and was told if she had another headache to call.  On Aug. 31, I called and reported a headache.  We even saw the neurologist that morning and the neurologist then sent her to the ER.   Chloe was never 100% after this hospital visit.  On Sunday, Sept. 4 she began taking prescribed medicine for a headache.  She had already started some vitamins that are supposed to help with headaches.  All of this has helped but hasn't alleviated the pain.  She took that prescribed medicine until Thursday when she had to come off of it.   At that point, the neurologist wanted us to try a different medication which we did but it did not help!  So on Friday, Sept. 9, (Conner's 18th bday), the neurologist sent her back to ER!  

Can I just say I didn't even want to tell anyone we were at the ER.  I told two people and that was it!  Really...one would think I would have no pride left anymore but it must run deep in my soul!  I didn't even want to tell my friends we were there.  I was embarrassed. And then when we got a report that was disconcerting I didn't want to share that either!  Really those Smiths have so much going on to add one more thing would be crazy!  People are going to think we are hypochondriacs or they are going to think we must really be living in sin for all these bad things to be happening.  I didn't even go to church on Sunday!

Why do we convince ourselves of those things?  Probably not many, if any, would think that!  But I sure can convince myself of what I think people will think!!  And then Sunday night, Chloe cried and said mom what are people going to say about me?  My response...it doesn't matter Chloe!!  Let people say what they want.   Ummmm....thinking I need to take my own advice and apply it!


Please pray that we can figure out how to handle these crazy, terrible, horrible headaches.

This has become a regular site at our home.  She just has felt so bad!!

Sunday, Monday and today she has seemed better.  Her pain has been down...not gone but down.  When she gets out and tries to do things her pain comes right back up.  Yesterday I took her for a dr. appt. and an allergy shot and I ran an errand and she was back in bed as soon as I got home with her.  Today she got up did her online Spanish class and went back to bed.  She then got up again,  went to work and stayed for art class (which she's not done much the past month) but came home and felt bad again.  I went to check on her a bit ago and found her crying.  She was so pitiful.  She said mama I'm not well.  I think I'm better but then I try to do something and I feel rotten again.  She cried and said I'm ready to feel better!!  Broke this mama heart!

Her MRI at the hospital on Friday has revealed something new as well.  So please pray for a peace for all of us and that we would be able to understand clearly and have clear answers as to what's going on in that brain of hers!  This is new territory, new words, new meds, new diagnosis!  We have much to learn I think!  I don't even know the questions to ask most of the time.  And when I do ask questions, I feel like there is no answer.  So I'm not sure if we will ever understand exactly what is going on in that brain!  On a lighter note, she says she thinks too hard!  She just needs to quit school and her brain will be just fine!!

It is so hard to know what to say and how to deal with the stress this has brought in our lives.  I think we are on better ground emotionally and then something brings extra stress and it's like we are on overload again.   My body has entered slow motion today.  Just don't even feel like I have the energy to hold my head up.  Even if there is nothing wrong but migraines, learning to live with them is difficult!  Especially when you already have a disease that wreaks havoc in your body!!  So what normal people deal with as migraine, hers is compounded because it affects every part of her body and it definitely takes her longer to build back her strength when she's been down.  So the headaches and the muscular dystrophy aren't working well together.  Not to mention the medicines she takes and adding new ones and how they interact with each other, with her MD, and with her Central Nervous System is quite overwhelming not only for me but for the doctors we have encountered as well.   Please cover us in prayer right now as we muddle our way through this season!

Living with a 7 year old who suffers with anxiety

Just thought I'd give you a glimpse of what it is like to live with a 7 year old who struggles with anxiety.

My 7 year old typically starts her day somewhere around three am with her heart beating fast fast and her mind thinking scary thoughts.  Sometimes this happens as early as midnight.

Move to mom's bed so she can settle down and go back to sleep.

Food must be routine.  She gets her food and that's all she will eat for days, weeks, and sometimes months in a row.  So yes, sometimes cheese puffs are breakfast for months at a time.

There is this addiction to her Lovey.  If he is misplaced for even seconds she loses her cool!  And never mind Lovey getting washed anymore.  That totally sends her over the edge!  And if she goes anywhere with a backpack or bag, Lovey is very carefully placed in the bag.  And sometimes, Lovey has to stay in the car but trust me that is always an issue!

There are many moments when she is sitting and playing or creating so nicely and then something doesn't go exactly like she wants it to go or her line she drew isn't as straight as she wanted it to be and you might hear yelling, paper crumpling, wailing, or any other a sundry of outward expressions.

Oh wait, ask her to pick up her things...no way!  That overwhelms her and sends her over the edge. So you may only ask her to pick up one thing at a time to try to avoid this mental and emotional breakdown.

And because of feeling overwhelmed all the time, school work is very tedious...especially reading!  And literally, it is because everything is so hard for her to process and reading takes a lot of processing, she has trouble wanting to give reading the needed attention because there is too much work involved in it and her emotional system is over worked already!

There is a constant need to be with mom.  Mom seems to be her main security.  So when I say often I can't go to the bathroom, the store, the gas station, etc. alone I really mean that.  And if I do get out alone, I have to tell her I am leaving, give her hugs over and over again before leaving.  And even at that often she's crying when I leave.

Some of her fears have been very well founded...what if dad gets sick and dies...what if my dad falls when I am at home with him.  What if...those concerns are valid and we have had to try to deal with them as she has been able to voice them.

Cover school on Fridays...we finally gave that up.  It was too much drama.  She would literally sit in the hallway and cry the entire time she was there.

Church, dance, and other places we might go sometimes she would go and then even in some of her favorite places, there will be tears at times!

And can I say...that is literally a glimpse of what we have been dealing with.  I could keep adding to this list.  And you know we have to come through these seasons most of the time before we can share openly about them.  We struggled to share openly about these before.  We know that if you've had dealings with her over the past two years, you've probably encountered some of these issues.   We also know that some people can say well she just needs discipline.  But we know that is not true.  But well meaning people often judge incorrectly.  So we've not discussed much and we've done our best to try to protect her during this season.

We knew all these things we were seeing was not who Krisann was.  Krisann is the most fun-loving, sweetest child!  May be our sweetest child out of all three.  So when we slowly began to deal with all these issues at one time, you can imagine the emotional struggle we had.

So when I give you a glimpse of what we have been dealing with, I must give you an update.

Yes, I agreed to start my 7 year old on anxiety medicine.  Yes it killed my mommy heart.  Yes I take my 7 year old to see a psychiatrist.  Yes I take my 7 year old to counseling every other week.  But yes it made a difference! And yes, I am glad we made those decisions.  The counselor told me something that clicked and helped me see her in a new light.  Krisann is a product of trauma.  She is a trauma child.  Her formative years were classified by one trauma after another.  So I've been learning a lot about children of trauma.  I've been learning a lot about dealing with feelings and how we can learn to communicate feelings.

I'm happy to report that she has now slept in her bed 6 nights in a row.  Yes, we have rewards in place.  But she's doing it!  And that's huge.  I'm positive she would have never slept a night in bed without medication.

We successfully are going to cover school and to Classical Conversations.  I stay with her but we are going.  That's better than last school year.

She's not cried at church in quite awhile with the exception of one night.  She still needs to know when I am leaving but other than that she is good.

In the past month, she has chosen to stay at home while I go to the store and that is amazing progress.

I still seem to be her security a lot of times, but she is settling down some about that as well.

She has gone outside and swung on the swing set by herself.  Before medicine, she wouldn't step foot outside alone.

I am able to devote more time with her to school and in just a few weeks, I can see a huge difference in her.  I have no doubt, that over this year, she is going to blossom educationally!  This child will read well one day!  We are making progress for sure.  But once again, reducing her anxiety is allowing her to have more room to do hard things.

Continue to pray for our sweet girl and for our parenting skills as we seek to raise all three of our children in the middle of stress and trauma!

Whose battle line do I stand on?

It's no secret that marriage has seasons that are extremely difficult!  We've all been through them.  And if you haven't then please come counsel us!  I just think it is part of living with and loving each other.

I personally have had to do a lot of praying lately!  It's no secret that Zine has gotten on my nerves over the last couple of months!  In our relationship, I am constantly questioning is this from the disease or is this just part of being married or is this just a transition phase we are in.  I have prayed a lot that God would soften my heart!  I've asked God to show me where I have been dealing with things incorrectly and show me where improvements need to be made on my end.  I can't change Zine but I can change me with God's help!  So...I've been doing lots of soul searching and lots of praying.  Kinda like when my mom first had alzheimer's disease...the same questions over and over again would drive me bonkers.  So I did a lot of praying that God would help me love my mom well in the last years of her life!  And over time, God changed my heart and has allowed me to love well.  So the same thing has been going on in my heart over my marriage.  God help me love well.  Soften my heart Jesus.  Show me my wrongs!  Etc.

And oh my goodness, one morning this week God smacked me over the head!!!!  Zine and I were having our morning discussion over how much help he needed/wanted and what he didn't need/want.  We have a routine but sometimes Zine likes to improve routine!  Or at least thinks he is improving routine.  And the ending is never good when he does!  So here I sit and Zine opens the door like he's ready for me to come help him.  So instead of just getting up and going, I say do you want my help this morning?  Zine looks at me and says, Do I want your help?  No.  But I think we have discussed that help is the best option.  So why did you ask me that question?  My response was simply I just am making sure that you still want help!  And Zine replied, Get behind me Satan!

All of a sudden I felt like God smacked me over the head.  Here I have been blaming Zine this whole time for all these issues we've had going on here.  But once I began to pray that God would change my heart and show me where I was imperfect in our marriage, He did just that.  God said, look Karen, you thought in your mind you were being nice and considerate but in essence the enemy is using that little attitude to his advantage.  And you are allowing the enemy to use you on his side of the battle line!  Wow!  What a thought to process this week!

I have been on the enemy's battle line.  I have allowed the enemy to use me to create tension in our marriage.  I have not seen it that way at all.  I am so grateful that I began to pray that God would show me where I could improve and where I was wrong.  Seems it took a smack on the head for me to see my place in the enemy's line up!

I think I need to pray more regularly for God to show me where I am being used by the enemy.  Whose battle line do I stand on?  Just because my actions seem right and good in my mind doesn't mean that it is God working in my life.  I have a battle to fight and I do not want to fight from the enemy's line!  My prayer is that I begin everyday asking God to show me the battles of the enemy and ask Him to help me stand not on the enemy's line but rather stand so that my eyes are focused on Him but at same time never losing sight of my enemy and open my eyes to the ways of the enemy in my life!

Abraham Lincoln once said, "Sir my concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God's side, for God is always right."  God is always right.  And God promises to be on my side!  I need to be concerning myself with whose battle line I stand on each day and not allowing the enemy to use me for his schemes!

Sent to Hospital

That phrase seems to enter my vocabulary more and more lately.  Our home health nurse sent me to hospital with Zine one day.  The pediatrican sent us with Chloe a few weeks ago.  And today Chloe's neurologist sent her to hospital.   I have a love hate relationship with this place!  I hate to be here but I love that we have always received excellent care and compassionate nurses.

This girl started with a headache on Sunday.  On Monday her head was worse but not unbearable.  Yesterday her head got to hurting really bad.  She didn't even want to go to art class!  And when she passes up art class you know she is sick!  She stayed in her room basically all day in the dark!  So since I realized we were going down the same path we did a few weeks ago, I called the neurologist.  They told me what to do to try to help her sleep last night.  They saw her this morning!  One look from her neurologist today and she knew Chloe was sick!!

Sunglasses were not even good enough for the ride there.  Once there, she only wanted to lay with her head covered.  I'm thankful that she already has a neurologist that knows her and that we trust!

Dr. said that once a migraine had hung on this long that oral meds were probably not going to do anything for it.  So to get the pain under control she would just need to go to hospital and get some meds to get some relief and then we can treat from home.  And she also worked to try to come up with a plan to try to keep these headaches from getting so bad in the future.

She's such a trooper, especially when it comes to IVs.  I don't even think she flinched!

They started her out with the same drugs as last time.  But they didn't seem to make a bit of difference.  So they gave a second drug and that helped.  Took her pain from an 8 to a 6. Also made her feel drugged.  She just laid in the dark with her eyes closed for hours!  The doctor then suggested us giving her another drug to see if we could get her pain down a little more!  The nurse was surprised that the doctor had ordered this medicine.  She said, this is the big guns!  It was a drug that could lower her blood pressure and cause issues with her heart.  So they were very attentive during that process.  But she tolerated the medicine very well.  And it definitely helped the pain!  When we left her pain was almost gone.  And her sensitivity to the light and to sound was gone!

When you struggle with anxiety and depression already, and then you add drugs that affect the Central Nervous System, it always messes with existing anxiety and depression.  So I am praying against any side effects from the drugs she had today.  Also since she has muscular dystrophy, when she encounters things like this, it just wipes her out afterwards for several days.  Seems like it takes longer to get her strength back!

She's struggling with the fact that she has something else wrong with her.  We are both feeling pretty overwhelmed at learning to live with this.  How much we push, how much we rest, how long is too long, etc.  But I told her on the way home, there was one thing I knew...we would deal with it.  We would figure out how to live life with migraines.  We have figured out how to live with muscular dystrophy and a movement disorder and anxiety and depression...I was certain we would learn to live with even these crazy things!  

I've been working with her on taking thoughts captive.  We can dwell on the bad and imagine all possible bad scenarios.  Or we can choose to trust Jesus and look for the positives.   We have been practicing taking situations and looking at the bad  (which is her default most of the time) but then turning it around and looking for the good in the same situation!  We've also been looking for gratefuls every day!  I remind her of the song, if you keep your eyes on the storm, you will wonder if Jesus loves you.  But if you keep your eyes on the cross, you will know He always loved you.  I think we all need to double check our focus regularly!  Where's your focus today?

Changes

Changes are inevitable.  I love the picture Chloe made for me several years ago.  If life never changed ...there would be no butterflies!

I used to be afraid of changes.  I always thought change was bad!  But if there is something I have learned over the past year and that is not to fear change!  Changes are going to happen.  They are simply a part of life.  Sometimes they happen quickly and sometimes they are a slow gradual change. And sometimes I simply don't like the changes.  They don't scare me but I don't like them.  What I do like though is through changes in life, I like to look for how God has worked and is working in that change process.

As many of you have followed the journey of my family over the past year, it has been nothing but a year of changes!  Many of them heartbreaking!  And today marked a big change in our lives again.

I have loved my job!  I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that God gave me that job!   I loved teaching online.  I loved the opportunities God gave me to pour into the families of the students I had in my class.  I loved helping children that would come to me barely reading and writing and leave fluent readers and writers!  Work was also an escape for me.  When I got really stressed, I would go engross myself in my work for awhile and not think about things going on!

But with everything that went on last year, I missed numerous weeks of work.  When Zine was in the hospital the last time in May, it was decided that I wouldn't go back last year.  I was going to go back on the last day of school to say bye to my students.  During those last couple of weeks, I began to realize how much stress work added to me.  When I say I didn't eat because I didn't have time, that was no exaggeration!   I literally went from teaching to a doctors appoint or a therapy appointment literally almost everyday.  And it would soon be dinner and I hadn't put a thing to eat in my mouth.  Stress was a large culprit for my not eating as well.   And during those last weeks of being off, I realized how my job was playing a role in my poor health.  Also over those last few weeks, I begin to feel God say it was time to come home.  Now, I couldn't imagine giving it up.  I needed my job.  I needed my paycheck.  My husband is on disability.  I desperately needed my paycheck or so I thought!  And I needed my escape.

But I begin to pray about whether I signed another contract for this year.  I'm sure my boss was saying the same prayers!!!  Give me wisdom Lord!  Give me faith!  Help me not make a mistake!  The night before my contract was due which happened to be the last day of school, I was up ALL night praying and wrestling with the decision.  I begin my last day of school asking God to clarify for me what His will was.  And before lunch, God had spoken!  Not audibly but there could have been no other explanation!

About halfway into my class, the home health nurse shows up.  She needs some supplies that I had.  So while still teaching I'm getting supplies for her.  And then she runs into problems.  She needs more help.  And then we need more help because she is sending Zine to the ER.  I literally let my class out early so I could get him to the ER.  It was indeed an emergency.  He had a regular cath and his permanent cath and neither was giving any output.  So we had quite the scare and adventure.  And to this day, no one can really explain what happened and why.  But...it's not happened again.  And in the words of Zine...so all this is your fault!  You asked God to tell you what to do and He did!  And that is exactly how I felt.  God said on the day my contract was due, nope Karen, you are to be caretaker of your family!  And from the ER, I called my boss and said, I'm sorry I'm not signing my contract.  I will admit there were tears on both ends of that phone call!

Talk about a leap of faith.   An identity change for me.  A financial change for my family.  And a second grade teacher that had to be hired at the last minute!  Wow!

I am so grateful for that experience because I have been able to go back to it several times and remind myself that God spoke!  The day I mailed my school books to a new teacher, I sobbed for a couple of hours!  The poor lady in Mailstop will probably always remember me!  But I had an experience to remind myself that no matter how hard it was to mail half of my life away, I was walking in obedience.   Today was the first day of school for FPA.  I was supposed to start a new school year with new students and have a fun day!  That's what I was supposed to be doing today and I'm not.  Feeling quite a bit sad today!  But once again, even in that sadness, I can go back and remember God spoke and I'm walking in obedience.

As far as finances, we are still working on that!  We will get it all figured out and I have no doubt that God will provide and we will make it because I know I am walking in obedience.  I am much healthier than I was.  Nope, I've not gained much weight, but I am healthier.  I do eat some!  My heart is functioning much much better!

And what a sweet gift that God has given me today amidst the sadness of saying goodbye to a season in my life.  I had the blessing of spending this morning with Krisann at Classical Conversations.  Krisann is going to blossom I know.  She has that mommy security that she has so desperately needed.  It is time together for the two of us.  And, not working is letting me give Krisann those fun learning moments.  Unfortunately, while I was working I think she got the boring work and not much fun.  Some of the things we have done already this year...

Biome Polaroids!  This was Krisann's idea.  And she and I had the best time learning and making polaroid pictures!

And we also got a little bit more creative with our rainforest shoe box.

Our most recent project was talking about feudalism.  And it was very quickly that Krisann says this is not fair!  Our king pony has more candy than the other ponies!

Changes are inevitable.  Some are welcome.  Some are not welcome.  But even in those unwelcome changes, if we look for God at work, we will find Him.  Yes, I'm pretty sad today!  But...I've been blessed today to see God at work in our lives!  

And butterflies are beautiful!  Whether they are real, drawn, or made from recycled materials....they are all beautiful!

And the same is true about each of us...whether we are a mom, a homeschool mom, a teacher, a wife, a volunteer, doesn't matter.  And whether we are a dad, a working dad, a dad with a disability doesn't matter.  Each is beautiful.  And God wants us to be beautiful wherever we find ourselves!  And I'm working on finding the beauty in homeschooling Krisann and being a wife and mommy.  I'm finding beauty in being a healthier me!  And I'm finding beauty in trusting God and walking in obedience.  Zine's working on finding beauty in being at home.  Zine's working on finding beauty of not being a working dad.  And Zine is working on the beauty of being a dad with a disability.  Hoping that he will write a blog post soon on his journey of trying to find beauty along the way!

Nope, we're not perfect.  We've not arrived at the most gorgeous places yet!  But we must make choices to look for beauty along the way!

Emotional Table Tennis

I have felt like a terrible mom, friend, wife lately.  Just been feeling like a failure in many areas.   I have heard these words from others..."are you mad at me?  You were very distant today."  "What's going on...you're super quiet today?"  "Why didn't you call me?"  "I thought you didn't want me to come." "I feel like you've changed and I don't know how to respond."  If you know me, I have always been a pleaser!  I have always given and given and given to others,  so to have others say these words to me makes me feel pretty rotten.

Ping pong ball is now bounced to the other side of the table.

But then, I say, well Karen, that should make you feel loved that others want to know if you're mad at them.  You should feel love, not guilt, when people notice you are withdrawn and quiet!  So there's this constant battle in my heart and in my thoughts!

Ping pong ball bounces back to the other side of the table.

My internal thoughts say how can you let your daughter get a horrible headache for DAYS before you sought medical help?  You're a bad mom!  I often feel like a bad wife as my husband wrestles with his own emotions in where we are in this season and I get to be the receiver of anger and frustration.  As Krisann has melt downs and extreme insecurities, I sometimes think what in the world have I done wrong?

Ping pong ball bounces to the other side of the table.

Then I think...how could I have known Chloe was so sick?  I've never had a migraine before.  Really, you love your husband with all your heart.  You're not a bad wife.  And Krisann...she's the product of trauma.  Her entire life has been one trauma after another in the formative years of her life.  Why would you think you have messed up?  You have loved her well.

Ping pong bounces back to the other side of the table.

And then I am back with feelings of inadequacy, hopelessness, etc.

Reminds me of a game we used to play on the Wii.  We had Mario and Luigi Olympic Games.  And that's about how I feel sometimes.

I have decided that instead of letting life bounce me back and forth back and forth, I need to ground myself in the truths of what God says about me.

--I am His creation.  (Gen. 1:27)
--He knows how many hairs are on my head. (Matthew 10:30)  And I am constantly losing hair so that is an amazing fact!
--I am important. (Matthew 10:31)
--I am saved by grace not works. (Ephesians 2:8)  I don't have to perfect my performance for Him!
--I am a new creation. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
--There is no condemnation for me.  (Romans 8:1-2)
--I am being transformed into His image. (2 Corinthians 3:18)  This is a continual process.  A daily process.
--I am empowered with everything required for life and godliness.  (2 Peter 1:3)  I don't have to find more faith or more strength.  He has already given me what I need!
--I am filled with His Spirit.  (1 Corinthians 3:16)
--I have peace.  (Romans 5:1)
--I am loved so much that I was bought, set apart! (1 Corinthians 6:20) (Jeremiah 31:3)
--I was chosen, hand picked!  (John 15:16)
--I am heard. (1 John 5:14-15)
--I am forgiven. (1 John 1:9)
--I have abundant life. (John 10:10)  Not just get through life one day at a time...but abundant life!!
--I am blessed. (Ephesians 1:3)
--I abide in Him, and He in me, and I bear much fruit.  (John 15:5) Once again, I don't bear fruit because I have perfected my performance I bear fruit because I am connected to Him!

So the next time I start getting bounced around like a ping pong ball, I am going to try to stand firm in what God says about me!  Giving up perfected performances is so difficult!!