Inside the House (Behind Karen's Walls)

Now inside the walls of Karen's heart...

Zine is correct.  We have had our marriage struggles in life!  After all, about 6 years ago, I told him he could leave or go to counseling.  And I didn't even say it very nicely.  But I'm not sure the events leading up to that statement even compare to what has been going on behind closed doors lately.    If you have seen us and thought oh look at that sweet couple...well let me just chuckle now!  Because that would be the exact opposite of where we have been and really where we are.

I totally believe the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  And in the mind of my husband, he does that often!  I go through stages where I want life to change.  I want Zine to change.  But most of the time, I try to pretend I don't care.  That just makes marriage work better.   However, when a mama starts seeing her children struggle in their relationship with their dad, it sends me back on the warpath to try to help Zine see how Satan has stolen, killed and destroyed many things!

The hurts lately have been huge as we deal with the ever-changing disease called MS!  We each deal with the disease differently.  I can see a bigger picture than Zine.  Because Zine is the one struggling with a debilitating disease that is what he most often sees.  And because he just wants to beat a disease, he doesn't think of how he fights and what it does to his loved ones.  It can definitely leave a wife and family feeling very second or maybe even third place.  And after awhile of feeling this way, we begin to view spouse or dad as very selfish and we begin to erect walls around our heart.  I see it in my life and I see it in my big kids.  As we get hurt, we begin to protect.  As we begin to protect, we withdraw or lash out.  Sometimes we do both!  And needless to say, that has not been beneficial.

As Zine and I did sit in a parking lot and have an hour and half long discussion and numerous ones since then, it seems that we are in a vicious cycle!  However much I would like to hope that we have overcome this obstacle in our marriage forever, I have little hope that we won't be back here again. Zine finds very discouraging that I have such lack of hope!  And I say my heart has been hurt too many times for me to think otherwise.   We get along for a few days and everyone makes better choices but then it seems there is a slope backwards.  And it feels that each time we go backwards, we go further back than before!  It can be sooooooo frustrating.  And not only do I hate it for Zine and I...I hate it for our children!!  I think I hate it more for them than I do for me!

We are dedicated and committed to each other.  A divorce is not about to happen so don't worry!  Please don't think we don't love each other or care for each other.  It is exactly the opposite.  If we didn't care or didn't love, then this would be easy!  We are simply being very honest about how a disease can wreak havoc in a marriage and family!  

Welcome to behind the walls where things aren't always pretty...but where forgiveness is always offered.  Behind the walls where it seems that everything is falling apart...but where it is actually falling into place!  Behind the walls where the struggle is real today...but where there will be strength tomorrow.