Currently, we are making decisions about the next chemo we are going to try. Wednesday the decision will be made! The struggle is relentless. Conversations of long term side effects, short term side effects, possible results, timing of treatments, etc. seem to infiltrate discussion after discussion.
Relationally, a year ago, we had a sweet relationship with each other. However, over the past year, the relationship has struggled. Especially in the past three or four months marriage has just been exceptionally difficult. And for the past two weeks, we have lost count as to how many serious conversations/discussions we have had. And those discussions are physically draining. Healing and mending relationships take time! We have to remind ourselves we didn't get to this place over night! But at same time, so grateful for the improvements that are taking place and the healing that is in the works!
One of the things I have told Zine since we started dating is that he gave the best hugs!! And he did!! I have melted in his arms more times than I care to count! That's been my safe place! But...I think we need lessons on how to give hugs from a wheelchair. They just aren't the same! There's something different about your husband pulling you to himself and holding you than there is for me to bend down and let him put his arm around me. Just being real here....
Our children have become more impacted by MS over the past few months as well. And they all struggle so differently!! I'm sure the home environment has played a part. I think just accepting reality has played a part. As a parent, to watch your kids struggle is very difficult! I can't imagine the pain it must be for Zine to watch his kids struggle because of his disease! But I remind myself constantly and I remind Zine on occasion that these struggles make them the person they are today. (And I happen to love each one of these persons just the way they are!!) These struggles are preparing them for the plan God has for their lives. And we must remember it is not our job to be God in their lives! Our job is to love them through this season! It's God's job to protect them from unneeded pain!
Anyone who deals with a long term illness, understand this...your friends often disappear. They get tired! You get tired of needing things. Relationships just struggle. Friends don't know what to say. And if they do say something, it is sometimes greeted with frustration! You begin to feel that you are simply someone's mission project at times. Keeping relationships in tact is simply put...difficult. There is always a grief when I think of changing relationships. If I could only learn to just hold on during those times of change. God always is providing but I just don't want relationships to change.
I love the phrase that a sweet friend used to tell me all the time....this is for a season Karen and the seasons always change! I am so grateful for that truth she poured into me over and over and over again! Sometimes when we see the season changing, its scary! Sometimes we see the season changing and we're grateful. But there is one thing that remains constant even as the seasons change, and that is His presence is always with us! He goes before us, He stands with us, He walks behind us (and gives us some pushes periodically), and on occasion He simply shows Himself to us in very real and tangible ways.
So I am watching the seasons change these days. A relationship that was good, then struggled immensely, and now is working it's way back to more steady place. From changing sheets three and four times a night and lots of trip to a bathroom to a permanent cath. A disease that did not respond to chemo, but it did cause blood clots, and now a new chemo is on the horizon. From kids that have been accepting and loving to frustrated and angry. From kids who sometimes seem to have it all together to other times they are falling apart. From kids who didn't really understand to a time of intriguing questions and thoughts as they seek to comprehend. From feeling connected to feeling disconnected. From having time to focus on others to having to focus inwardly. The seasons are definitely changing!
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