The journey to bald

This blog entry I have never voiced before.  Many of my updates I have taken from my facebook posts to help bring my blog up to date.  However, this blog post, is one I have never written before.  The pictures here are never before seen pictures because the pain was too raw to share.  This post is one I wish I could forget but know that I will go to my grave with images from this day etched in my mind.

Everyone said when you hair starts falling out shave it.  Zine's hair started falling out.  He came in from work 2 weeks from chemo and it was noticeable his hair was missing.  He got up the next morning and even more hair was missing.  Yes indeed watching your hair fall out is truly terrible!

Early that morning I happened upon our pastor and his wife as I was finishing up some Christmas shopping.  We discussed the hair loss.  Our pastor volunteered to come shave his head.  I so self reliantly said I could do it.  However, as the day progressed and Zine and I began to discuss the decision, I became more and more emotional about it.  I've cut his hair for years now but I've never shaved his head.  And the reason behind shaving was killing my heart.

Zine, being the loving husband he is, said, call Michael.  This is just too much for you...you don't have to do this so let's let Michael do it.  So, I texted our pastor and we set a time for him to come out.  When my doorbell rang, my heart stopped beating I'm pretty sure.  I opened the door because that's what your supposed to do.  I saw sweet Michael. And I don't know if he has ever had anyone slam the door in his face...but I so wanted to!  I wanted to say this isn't happening.  Life has reverted back to normal!  But...life hadn't.  So...I didn't slam the door.

There was a little bit of small talk but the tension was so great our pastor just said let's do this.  And before we start, let's pray.  No clue what he prayed because I only focused on not throwing up and remembering to breathe. And then life forever changed once again, or at least my heart forever changed in that moment.

So thankful for a pastor who loves so well.  Think this was a first for him to shave someone else's head because chemo was making it fall out!  And he was so pulled between shaving Zine's head and hugging me.  If there's one thing I have learned about Michael the past month...he doesn't want anyone to cry alone!  But on this particular night, he did the hard thing.  He did what needed to be done.  

When he was done, this is all the hair I had to sweep up.  Not much...

I have no words for the emotions that were so overwhelming me!  The moments after were some of the most difficult and awkward moments ever!!  What does one say at this point?   We just sort of looked at each other and no one said a word.   Eventually our pastor says to Krisann, what do you think of your dad's head??  Krisann very quickly said she didn't like it and it was ugly!  What do I say to that?  Actually, I said nothing!!  And neither did anyone else.   Finally our pastor says, let me go to the car and get your hat which another friend had bought for Zine.  When he walks out the door, I literally hang onto Zine and sob!  My heart is crushed for where we are!   My heart is crushed for my sweet husband having to endure so much.  My heart is crushed for my entire family who has to go through sooo much!!

The hat comes in!  So there was a bit of excitement as Zine tried on his new hat!

And then...I fall apart again!  In some ways this is a beautiful thing.  Zine and I had the perfect marriage, the perfect family despite having a daughter with muscular dystrophy.  Life was still good.  But when MS struck our home, it shattered our lives.  All of a sudden instead of sharing everything together we were grieving alone. We couldn't grieve with each other.  If I allowed him to see grief, he felt responsible for my grief.  When he grieved in my presence, then I would become grieved and we ended up at the same spot.  So the fact that I was able to just hold onto my husband and cry was a sweet picture of a lot of work we have put into our marriage.  And I am so grateful that God allowed us that moment together.

All the while this is going on Krisann was very bothered.  She has never been with our pastor very much but I noticed she was standing right beside him.  So...what does our pastor do?  One would never guess.  Or if you did, you might say his work was done and he left or you might suggest that he prayed with us or he hugged us.  But what happened next was a priceless moment!  Our pastor began to talk to Krisann and before I knew it, our pastor gave Zine and I some time to be with each other and he played with Krisann.  This picture will always be one that I cherish!!

What a sweet gift that Michael gave our family that night.  And what a priceless memory I have to cherish here.  And the beginning of a relationship between this child who in her lifetime is going to endure so many heartaches in her life to have this man sit in the floor and play with her.  What a blessing to have a man sit down in the floor with her.  But a tender spot in both our lives that Zine is not able to sit in the floor and play with own child!

God brings people into our lives at just the right time and this is an example of when we hired our pastor I had no clue the impact he was going to play in the life of my own family!!  Not to mention, his wife has poured much, much truth into my life!!

The journey to bald, has been a definite difficult journey!  A week later I am still crying nonstop.  Finally met with our pastor's wife and a counselor friend.  After discussion, we decided my emotional response to the bald head is that it is just a visual symbol of lack of control.  I never thought I needed to be in control but man, oh man, I think I do!  Trying to remember, God is in control...not me!  And all good Christians will say yes God is in control.  But I'm here to tell you, even when we say that, we don't really  mean it.  It's just a good Christian statement.  A shallow statement at that.  We have our lives planned out!  We know what they are supposed to look like...and this my friends, is NOT what my life is supposed to look like!  But whether this is what God intended it to look like or not doesn't matter.  Nothing comes to us that hasn't passed through Him!  And He will work good thru every situation in our lives. That I do believe.  I don't know what good God is going to work, but I know He is going to work good!  That's a promise in His Word.  Hanging on to that promise!!