The Short Bus

Several years ago, Zine and I came up with this phrase, we ride the short bus.  Was not meant in a condemning way at all!  But when we had worked and worked in counseling to apply principles but failed, we said we rode the short bus.  For those of you have children with handicaps, you understand this thought process.  Those special children rarely ride on a large bus.  They typically have a "special" bus that they ride on!  Or at least they did years ago when we did the special education department with our daughter.  It is a shorter bus that is accessible for wheelchairs and other special needs.  It definitely carries fewer children as well.  So when you ride the short bus, children can get the mentality that they are not as smart as others, or they are slower than other children.   So for us, when we said we rode the short bus it literally meant....we were a bit slow on the learning curve!  Unfortunately, the phrase has stuck!  And unfortunately, we often are slow to learn whatever it is we find ourselves in the midst of.

A few months before our lives fell apart in November, I had become very unsettled in how I was handling things.  I found myself very angry at everyone in my house most days.  I found myself struggling in my faith.  If I were a good Christian, then I would go through these circumstances with much confidence and much grace.  I wouldn't struggle because everything was allowed in our lives by God and He was going to use those things for our good...so evidently I must have little faith.  I struggled with my emotions.  The emotions were running everywhere.  I was struggling with my own health.  I had just recovered from a female laprascopic surgery that wasn't nearly as easy to recover from as I was told.  I was struggling with routine.  Homeschool needed to start back, it was time for me to go back to work as well...and it was a huge struggle.

During that time, our pastor began a series and it felt like every week he preached on healing!  I, in sort of a fun way, told him I was ready for him to find a new topic.  To which I got this response in an email, "I would like to meet with you and Zine on Wednesday or Thursday at 4:00 pm.  Please let me know if either of these dates will work in your schedule."  BUSTED!  Called to the principle's office!  That's at least how I felt.  After about 30 minutes of being in his office and trying to find a voice to speak, my heart began to spill.  Why was my faith so weak?  Why was I a disaster?  That day our pastor had words for us but today I have no clue what those words are.  These same conversations have continued for months now!  We have had numerous opportunities for these conversations.  I think he has said the same thing a gazillion different times in just a different way.  I, on the other hand, have said the same thing in the exact same fashion over and over again.  Why oh why do I feel so weak?  Why oh why is my faith so shallow?  Why oh why can I not just go through this life content?  I definitely ride the short bus!  I would hear the words and they would just not sink in!

But maybe...there's hope for those of us who ride the short bus.  I'm beginning to grasp some truth of the situation.  Yesterday our pastor was preaching out of Mark at the ending of the Parable of the Soils.  The Kingdom of God is about transformation was what he centered his message on.  The seed transformation initially takes place underground where there are no visible signs of transformation.  But deep down transformation is happening.  Then he went on to discuss the soil needed fertilizer.  In my life, fertilizer is simply pressing into God.  Waiting on God is the most difficult and most important thing I can do.  Transformation will not happen without me pressing into God.  And then he went on and said that the fruit is simple obedience.  And simple obedience to Him gives life to others.  What I took from his sermon...God sees where I am, my job is to press into Him, and transformation will come!  Ahh, life is about transformation!  And for the first time, I felt the struggle going on in my heart release a little yesterday.  God sees where I am and my job is to press into Him and transformation will come.  God sees where I am and my job is to press into Him and transformation will come.  God sees where I am and my job is to press into Him and transformation will come!

Yes, I wrote that three times!  Yes, I have said that to myself a hundred or more times today.  And I said it at least one hundred times yesterday!  The short bus I do ride, but sometimes I get a little understanding.  I think I have finally grasped...I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing.  What I am viewing as lack of faith and weakness are exactly what could be defined as pressing in to God and waiting on transformation.  If I walked through these difficult days without a struggle, my faith would not grow.  If I walked through this life, not feeling emotions, I could never grow in my understanding of how much God loves me.  If I walked through this life without ever asking questions such as why, then I would never have the opportunity to know God more deeply.  If I walked through this life content, then I would never know the peace that passes all understanding!

I'm waiting on the transformation!  I wish I knew why I had to wait so long!!  Some days I'm tired of waiting!  But my job is to remember, God sees where I am and my job is to press into Him and transformation will come!  I am to be still and know that He is God!  His plan is to prosper me and not to harm me but to give me a hope and a future.  My prayer is that I could continue to carry this little bit of truth in my heart and remember to be still and know that He is God!  He sees where I am and my job is to press into Him and transformation will come!  Waiting on transformation...